Mom tells 'mildly' injured daughter her grades matter more than her pain. AITA?
In post on Reddit a mom who was concerned about her daughter's grades decided to give her tough love. It didn't go well, so she asked Reddit for help. Here's her story.
Preface: if I come off as callous it’s because I’m trying to be succinct I (46f) have a 16 year old daughter. In July, she was in a car accident. Most of her injuries were mild. She went to the hospital but they let her go home after a few days of observation. But even after we got home, she still complained a lot about pain.
I was concerned and took her to our GP but they couldn’t find anything wrong. I told her it was probably in her head and in response to the traumatic event and that she’d be fine in a few days. She stopped complaining about it after that and everything seemed good.
Fast forward to yesterday and I got an email from her teacher that’s she’s constantly despondent in class and laying her head down and not participating. I was already seeing red from that and I decided to check on her grades. She turned in multiple assignments late and lost points on them, which is not at all on par with her typical performance.
I confronted her about it and she was really quiet at first, like she didn’t know what to say. I pushed her on it and she started talking about pain again which I frankly think is bulls**t. She hasn’t said a peep about it for two months, only when her grades are slipping. We started arguing about it and I said that her grades matter more than her “pain.” She’s a junior this year, it is not the time to be slacking.
She’s been in her room since, refusing to talk to anyone. She wouldn’t even go to school today. I’m at a loss, she’s never been so difficult. And I’m questioning whether or not I’m in the right here. AITA?
Comments:
So she stopped complaining of pain because you told her to shut up about it. You assumed because she shut up about her pain, because you told her to, that it no longer exists. And you're using her silence on it as proof, while ignoring that you told her to stop talking about it.
Yeah. YTA. Whether this pain is physical or psychological, it's still incredibly real pain. She needs help, not an asshole parent telling her to shut up and then throwing her silence back in her face. Do better.
YTA - And a horrible mother. Newsflash, she stayed quiet about her pain for two months because you invalidated her by saying it’s “all in her head.” She no longer felt safe telling HER MOTHER that she was in DEBILITATING PAIN. YOU DID THAT.
YTA. Your daughter could easily have post-concussion symptoms or other issues. Or PTSD. In any case, the world already has a full complement of people who minimize medical issues for women. You’re not needed for that. Support your child.
I was left disabled after a car accident, but I was out of the ER in a couple HOURS. She was in for a COUPLE DAYS?! How does OP not realize how serious that is? OP, why did you dismiss and ignore her pain? Why didn't her GP refer her to a pain specialist and neurologist? Why didn't you advocate for her? Fight for her?
Women/girls are not treated as equals in the medical field. She needed you to believe her, and you told her it was in her head. Could you be any more dismissive and condescending? Do you know how many doctors said that to me?
Occupational therapist and brain injury specialist here! If she was in the hospital for a few days from a MVA, she likely has at least a mTBI. Get her into a neurologist for that, a neuro optometrist to assess her vision, and a mental health professional with TBI experience.
Brain injuries cause deficits in what’s called executive functioning, which is decision making, prioritizing, getting things done on time etc. I’m curious about her vestibular function, as well. So going to an audiologist would be smart and a physical therapist.
She may benefit from Neurofeedback to improve emotional lability, cognition, and executive function, but try a few things out first. All of these services should be covered by your car insurance if you are in the US. There are great support groups for folks with TBIs, too.
Response from OP:
I get it, I’m an awful person. I wasn’t seeing past the grades and I treated my daughter horribly. Thank you especially to the medical professionals who replied, I had no idea this could be so serious
I’ve already booked a specialist for two weeks from now (earliest appointment) and apologized to my daughter. I know I still have a lot of making up to do. We’re going out for ice cream.