Daughter's social life in jeopardy thanks to dad's repeated 'creepy antics' with friends' moms.
"My ex-husband creeps all our daughter’s friends' moms out."
So with my divorce, we have 50-50 custody of our daughter “Maggie”. And I always try to prioritize her needs over mine. Before I got divorced, I was already friends with a couple of the moms of her friends (“Amber” and “Stacy” - both single at the time of the divorce).
After the divorce, I really struggled with whether or not I should maintain the friendships with Amber and Stacy because I didn’t want him to feel sidelined. But ultimately, I continued the friendships.
I figured if I stopped being friends with them, it would make it harder on Maggie because it would be harder to maintain the friendships with her friends (Ambers daughter “Brooke” and Stacy’s daughter “Amberlee”).
I actively tried in the beginning to encourage Amber and Stacy to get to know him better and arrange with him plans when Maggie was with him. Well, with Amber, he just decided he was going to randomly start showing up at her house with Maggie, and he would just try to make himself at home.
And then she would just call me and be like why the frick is he just staying here, I didn’t invite him in (he would drop Maggie off and then ask to use the restroom, or something along those lines). He stopped doing that once Amber got a boyfriend.
Well then recently Stacy decided to invite Maggie over to hang out with Amberlee on a weekend that she is with her dad/my ex, and he showed up to drop her off and Stacy was in the bathroom when they got there and when she came out, he was chilling out on her patio and had made himself at home, having gone through her refrigerator.
And on top of all of that, he’s just awkward and judgmental and can’t carry a conversation. I’m afraid he’s going to jeopardize Maggie’s friendships because he just weirds her friends parents out (even other friends parents not mentioned here, including the dads).
Well today Stacy had decided she wanted to go to the local carnival and I had mentioned to my daughter about the carnival and them going (ex drops her off with me during the day on his weeks while he works). I was thinking that maybe Stacy could just pick my daughter up and take her (she’d already told me she’d be fine with that), but now my ex has decided he’s gonna go.
Stacy is just panicking because she just does not like my daughter’s dad and does not wanna have to walk around the carnival with him. So now she has asked me to come along, and him and I are not on speaking terms.
Why the heck can’t he just be an average guy and not weird people the frick out. He used to do crap like this when we were married, we’d be out having done errands or something and just decide that he wanted to go stop by a friend‘s house and then expect them to invite us in, and it would always be so freaking awkward.
EDIT: Amber and Stacie and a couple of other friends are already at the point where they’re not going to be bothering with him anymore. My daughter has a new friend, whose parents I’m getting to know, I’m just going to arrange for hangouts on my weeks.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I hate to say it, if only because this does mean that your ex husband is going to end up being excluded over time- but you need to stop encouraging anybody to hang out with him, even if it's in theory for your daughter's sake. He's supremely invasive, and he is practically a home invader at this point with the stunts that he's pulled.
And I think you need to tell him that to his face- you should tell Amber and Stacy that they don't have to interact with him anymore, and to feel free to tell him to F right off; you sincerely need to tell them that they have the power to cut him out, and YOU need to explain to him that he's a creepy little boundary Pusher and nobody likes him for what he's doing.
jlynny1811 (OP)
I appreciate your perspective. Stacie had only agreed because she was starting to see somebody, and the day that my ex dropped Maggie off, her boyfriend was supposed to be there, but he ended up having to go out of town. But you’ve got an extremely valid point, thank you.
Your first mistake was giving a darn about him feeling excluded. Honestly, good luck fixing this mess.
Can’t someone just politely tell him that “You’re welcome to drop off your daughter but we’re not looking for more company so just head out and we’ll let you know when she’s ready to leave,” or whatever? Your post makes it sound like you all have no agency to just talk to him and set boundaries.
I got second hand embarrassment just reading this. I am soooo sorry. On one hand he's your ex so I get why they're coming to you about it... but on the other hand, he's your ex - which means he isn't your problem and your friends need to grow a backbone and tell him he can't show up... Or just keep the door locked... Or call the cops.
You could say something, but if he lacks self awareness this badly he's going to tell you that you're just being jealous/crazy. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Ultimately your kid is going to lose her friends because your ex is a creeper.
Has anyone told him this isn't appropriate? You said, when you were married he'd just decide to call around his friends' houses. Did you ever say, we can't just turn up, that's rude, they might have plans etc. If no one calls him out for this he won't know he's not picking up the social cues. The daughters friends mums need to say something.
jlynny1811 (OP)
Omg I used to tell him that all the time. He’d say “if they didn’t want us there, they’d say so.” We’d argue up until we got to whoever’s house. It got to where I just started refusing to go places with him so he wouldn’t do that to me.
You aren’t married to him- DROP THE ROPE. Tell the others- “listen- here are the days I have kiddo. We can do things these days. Do not engage with her dad on his time. Yes he’s a weirdo. I’m sorry he’s a weirdo. You don’t have to have contact with him it’s ok. There are valid reasons I left him.” Kiddo will just have to suck it up on dad’s time.