Mom asks if she's wrong to not let ex throw grounded daughter a birthday party.

My 15 year old daughter did something that warranted a 4 - day punishment. Her bday is tomorrow. And this is her 2nd of punishment. I cancelled her birthday as part of punishment and the other part is not allowing her to go out for 4 days. She still has electronics available.

Isn't being stuck in your room for four days with all our electronics every kid's dream?

Earlier today, My ex contacted me and asked about the bday cancellation. I told him what happened and he said that he'll throw her the bday party since I cancelled. I said that he can't throw her the party when she's grounded and isn't allowed to leave the house for days.

Was the daughter supposed to stay at dad's during those four days?

He called me ridoculous but I told him that he was encouraging bad behavior and acting like the cool parent instead of working with me on fixing these behavioral issues. He said that since he's also the parent then I cannot stop him from throwing her a party and he'll do it tomorrow. We got into a big argument and my husband agrees that my ex is being an enabler.

Dad is kind of right, depending on what their custody terms are, but if it's not his days he can only throw the birthday at a later date.

But my daughter's grandparents got involved as well and told me I can't stop her dad from celebrating her bday and said that I needed to let it go and suggested I put off the rest of punishment til after the bday. But I refused. I feel like he's undermining my parenting and deliberately going against my input.

INFO:

Ok_Job_9417 asks:

Info - what did your daughter do exactly?

Editing to say YTA - Your daughter broke a vase by accident, you don’t believe her because she called it ugly a single time. So she’s on a 4 day grounding with a canceled birthday. But you still allow her to be on her electronics.

There’s so much dysfunction in this. Even if you wanted to punish her for talking back (which may have just been defending herself depending on how stepdad was talking) it’s an extreme overreaction.

throw9779965 OP responded:

She broke her stepfather's antique vase. She swore it was an accident but my husband said it was deliberate because she called it 'ugly' once. I felt hasitant about cancelling the birthday til she started talking back to her stepdad.

I let her have the electronics so she could stay in touch with family since her dad and his family cried abuse when I took her electronics and limited contact.

From the comments:

bloseja writes:

Holy Crap! Her birthday party was cancelled as part of a punishment over a broken vase that nobody can confirm 100% whether it was an accident or not?!?!?! That is insane! This poor girl!

The only way this punishment would be close to acceptable is if the vase broke because the 15 year old threw it at her stepfather! ETA: OP, YTA!!! My heart breaks for your daughter.

NUT-me-SHELL writes:

YTA. What kind of punishment let’s a child still have access to their electronics but doesn’t let them celebrate their birthday? That’s ridiculous.

EmeraldBlueZen writes:

100% YES. YTA. OP needs to talk to husband about him accusing her of intentionally breaking a vase, for like NO REASON. That was out of line. Instead she punishes daughter who denied happened therefore got accused of 'talking back.' What was she supposed to do? Agree she did it not to offend OP and her hubby with her 'attitude'?

elfn1 writes:

If she took the electronics away, her child might bother her, right? :(

JeepersCreepers74 writes'

YTA. If your daughter did something bad enough that it warrants cancelling a birthday party and grounding her on her birthday, then it's bad enough that you and your ex need to discuss the appropriate punishment before giving it and generally get on the same page.

You didn't do this. You acted unilaterally in deciding how to deal with her and he is merely doing the exact same thing. In other words, you undermined his parenting, too.