When this father makes his DIL really uncomofortable, he asks Reddit:
I have two daughters when they were younger my wife and I realized that I spent more time with the boys and she spent more time with the girls. So we made father-daughter dates for me and she does son-mom dates.
They are all adults now but we still do those dates but they are just less often. So my two daughters and I are going to have tea house, the youngest picked it and just catch up. Now my oldest son got married to Sue. She is a nice girl and I see her at holidays and other events.
I got a call from Sue asking about times for tea. I was confused and asked what she was talking about. She explained the daughter-father date and I am her daughter in law.
I told her this is just a thing between me and my daughters. She repeated that she is my daughter in law. This went on for a few time until I told her that she isn’t my kid and that she is not invited.
She hung up and now I am getting calls from my oldest ( my son, her husband) for being a jerk and not welcoming her into the family. AITA?
NTA - there's a difference between keeping something between you and your daughters and "not welcoming her to the family". Those dates were set up so you could spend time with your kids, not her.
There is no reason that she would be going. I'm not sure if it's entitlement or what, but I never expected my FIL to treat me the same as his actual daughter.
YTA for how you handled it. You referred to it as her demanding, but I don’t see that in what you typed.
You could have explained this is a tradition with just your daughters to keep in touch with them and your wife does the same with the sons - like you explained it to us. Instead you told her she isn’t your kid.
You’ve now laid the ground work for your future relationship with your DIL. She isn’t your kid so she owes you absolutely nothing that most kids would do for a parents. And newsflash for you - the wives do most of the family relationship maintenance.
Gifts at birthdays and holidays, favors, planning events - you should get NOTHING from this woman ever again. From the sounds of it you probably can’t expect much from your son either.
Yes, you were right in that she doesn’t need to be included, but you totally screwed the delivery.
ESH. You suck for not being more tactful and trying to find out who made her believe she was invited. She sucks for not backing down immediately and going straight back to the person who made her believe that she was invited.
Whoever made her believe that she was invited sucks for not talking to you first. However, if you wish to be a part of the lives of any grandchildren from her...
you need to step back and get to the bottom of this and learn to be kinder when faced with something like this, especially if YOUR son is causing this triangulation.