Father punishes 12 yo son for using his mom's lecherous secret against her. AITA?
When this father is furious with his son for demonizing his mother's lascivious past, he asks Reddit:
"AITA for telling my son that his mom's personal life is none of his business?"
I (M43) have been married to my wife (F40) for 15 years. We have a son who is 12 years old.
I really love my wife. I adore and idolize her. Seriously, she is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I think I am willing to give my life for her and her happiness.
All this time we have been living a really happy life with her and we have never had any arguments or misunderstandings. But there was one incident. As it turned out, when our son was 8 years old, my wife had an affair partner.
I didn't know about him. Their relationship continued until last year when our son turned 11. That's when my son told me about this POS. My wife was taking him home to her ap and our son saw their relationship but was afraid to tell me for three years.
It's been a tough year since everything came to light. First I dealt with this asshole, then my wife and I had a long talk with each other and figured out what brought us to this situation. We moved to another city, changed jobs. And finally, we're living a happy life again. I just my wife and I will never leave her.
Yesterday my son had a fight with my wife. The teacher at school complained about our son's behavior to my wife, my wife at home began to reprimand our son, and he only snapped, defended himself, claimed that the teacher misunderstood everything and he did nothing wrong.
And all this time he did not want to listen to what was being said to him. I, of course, also intervened in the argument and defended my wife. Finally, my wife couldn't stand it and told him that he should go to his room immediately. My son snapped back: "Command your John (that's what I'll call her ex-ap's name)".
Rage immediately boiled up in me and I told our son that his mom was right and he should go to his room immediately. I also deprived him of his PS, phone and pocket money.
When he asked what the punishment was for, I told him that his mom's personal life was none of his business and who was he to judge his mom. I'm a husband and I have to deal with these things. Not a 12-year-old boy. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
aggressivecup87 writes:
So your wife made your son an accomplice to her affair and he's had to deal with that for 3 years. And now because you want to forget that your wife cheated on you for 3 years and took your son to John's house while doing it, your child also has to just "get over it".
Your child does not respect his mother, that is the consequence of HER actions.Your son does not respect you, that is the consequence of your reaction to everything.
You're punishing your son for reacting to the mess YOU as his parents made. YTA.
sorrything797 writes:
ESH except your son. But your wife? She is the biggest AH in all of this. Not only did she have a 3 year long affair, she had the audacity to introduce your son to her affair partner.
Do you have any idea how damaging that would have been for him? Keeping a secret from his dad for 3 years out of fear? No child should ever be put in such a position.
His mums personal life became his business the minute she involved him in her affair. You may have forgiven your wife for whatever reason but that doesn’t mean you son is expected to.
I mean what exactly did your wife expect? Move to a new city, get new jobs play happy families and expect your child to be happy that she decided to stop getting Fed by another guy?
Get your son into therapy and start trying to understand where he’s coming from.
otherwisewallaby writes:
NTA - I'm going out on a limb with this one because a part of what you said is right. Normally a parent's personal life is not the child's business.
The problem with this situation, is your wife wrongly made her affair of 3 years your son's business, forcing him to carry that lie and live with the guilt of not being able to tell his father, who, he would love and respect and look up too.
The trauma this would cause an 8-year-old boy is devastating and just because he is young, doesn't mean he can't feel adult pain. Your entire family should seek counseling for the trauma this situation has caused your son.
Just because you chose to forgive your wife for her infidelity, doesn't mean your son can so easily do the same. He doesn't respect his mother for the poor choice that she made, and you as the husband need to understand what your son has endured also; it wasn't just about you and her.
As her husband, yes you have to deal with these things, but as the child who had to keep this a secret from you, he is dealing with some serious emotions and anger because of her choice, so it's up to you both to be more understanding; he may be a child, but he's already faced adult situations not of his making.
If your son hadn't come forward and finally told you about the ap, your wife would probably still be in that relationship. Moving to another city will not change the outcome of what she did to your son and won't change her either.
I would like to say that your wife won't cheat on you again, but usually a leopard doesn't change their spots. Take your family to counseling, your son deserved better.
antiquead7 writes:
So your wife cheats on you, your son knows. He never tells you for 3 years and you don't think this affects him. ThAt his mother's actions have no effect on her son.
You are a very naive person. You don't think your son lying to you for 3 years affects him. Your wife lie to you for 3 years and you decide that it's okay. We'll move away. Nothing will ever happen. Well guess what? Your wife's private life does affect her son.
You're right. It is your position to take care of whatever's going on with you and your wife's personal life. But guess what? It affects your son and it's his life also. You are so infatuated and needy of your wife that your punishing your son for something your wife did.
Yta, and just remember that when Your son turns 18 and never talks to you again that you will be alone with the woman who for 3 years didn't want to be with you.
zzealous0 writes:
YTA. Your son was exposed and traumatized by your wife's affair. For 3 years. He lived with that guilt for so long only for you to uproot his life then telling him it has nothing to do with him.
Punishing him for lashing out will cause hate and resentment. My mother cheated, I've been there. I feel sorry for your son.
You are letting your grief and fears from the betrayal affect him and it seems unlikely that you will change. Be a FATHER to him. Go to therapy. This IS is his business.