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Dad won't buy daughter a car after she 'publicly humiliates him,' wife sides w/ daughter. AITA? UPDATED 3X

Dad won't buy daughter a car after she 'publicly humiliates him,' wife sides w/ daughter. AITA? UPDATED 3X


When this father is conflicted about how he punished his 23 year old daughter, he asks Reddit:

On top of that, OP provides three lengthy updates to this unsettling story.

So last week, me, my wife and 2 kids went out to the zoo for my daughters 23rd birthday. We were having a great time. While leaving an enclosure some woman sort of cut us off and pushed in front of us to get out first.

She didn’t actually touch us, and it wasn’t that big a deal but was a little obnoxious, and I said “there’s no need to push ahead love”. She responded with something like “how did I push ahead, it’s not like theres a queue”. I just tutted and thought “whatever, not worth it”.

But then some giant guy, who was apparently her son (I didn’t realise this because they looked very different IE she was white he was mixed, not that it matters). Said to her “what does someone have a problem mum?”, and she pointed me out.

Her son then turned around and started aggressively antagonising me for no reason, telling me to keep my comments to myself, called me a b&ch, a “karen”, and he kept calling me tiny, saying I had little man syndrome. Just really off the wall stuff for what I thought was a benign comment.

Then for some reason my daughter, (22f) felt the need to take up for this guy, and started saying stuff like “why are you like this, why do you feel the need to say something” and then started apologising to the guy, and agreed with him that I’m a “karen”.

I was really taken aback by this. Then the guy asks how old she is and she tells him, and he asks for her number, and she GIVES IT TO HIM. He hands his phone over to her, and she types in her number, whole time this guy is staring at me with a shit eating-grin on his face.

When my daughter comes back over to us, I ask her what the hell was that and she just says “what? he’s cute, and you need to be put in your place every once in a while”.

I said since that’s what she thinks she can buy her own car for her birthday. She clearly thought I wasn’t serious because when she asked if we can look at cars and I told her she can look herself, because I’m still not paying for it.

This has divided my house with my son taking my side, saying she was out of line, and my wife saying it’s not worth ruining my relationship with her over. I feel like if not getting her a car as punishment is enough to ruin her relationship with me then I probably spoiled her too much anyway.

She already has a car that I bought her 2 years ago which works fine, so it’s not like I’m exactly depriving her. AITA?


UPDATE 1: I have skimmed the comments and will address a few things I feel relevant.

The car I bought her 2 years ago was a run-around Fiat 500, second hand. It is in fine shape but not exactly the nicest car. I had promised my daughter an Audi as my son is going travelling for his 21st birthday which I am paying for. The car she wanted was (roughly) the same cost.

She doesn’t live at home. She hasn’t since she moved out for uni at 18. I don’t feel like I am a “karen” but I’m not shy to speak up/complain if I feel I must. If people are rude, or something is not up to my standard I will happily say something.

I realistically couldn’t “beat up” the 6ft4 or whatever 20 something year old mouthing off to me. I am 47 years old, and have worked an office job for the last 20-30 years, and have a bad back.

Then, OP talks to his wife and provides UPDATE 2:

So I got home about an hour ago, and my wife called me into the room to talk. She gave me an ultimatum. She said I can either swallow my pride and buy my daughter the car, or she will buy the car out of her own money. My wife doesn’t earn as much as me, but still has a well paying job and can afford it.

She said that everyone is sick of my attitude in public, that every time we go out I get in some sort of altercation or disagreement with someone over some petty sh&. I think this is a gross over-exaggeration, but my wife showed me texts from my daughter asking if she can go out with just my wife because I “always do something to embarrass everyone”.

My wife refused, and defended me saying that’s not true, and thats why when I got in that argument my wife said nothing about my daughters actions.

She said she isn’t going to punish my daughter because I can never keep my mouth shut, especially when my daughter said she didn’t want me there because something like this would happen and she defended me only to be made to look like a fool.

She says that my daughter “barely likes me” as it is, and if I do this I shouldn’t be shocked when she stops talking to me completely. I asked my wife if all I am to my daughter is a piggy bank and she told me to “stop playing the victim”.

She said it’s up to me what I do with my money, but my daughter will be getting the car one way or another so I can either make her hate me for no reason, or I can swallow my pride and get her the car myself. Don’t really know where to go from here.

OP is horrified by what happens next; UPDATE 3:

Sorry I didn’t really respond a lot happened yesterday. After everything I called my daughter and over because I wanted to talk about everything. My wife said to just let it go, but clearly “everyone” had a problem with me that I didn’t know about so I wanted to get to the bottom of it.

So I waited for my son to get home, and my daughter drove round a little later. We all sat down and decided to talk. I started by doing what many of you suggested, and asked for actual examples, rather than just accepting their word for it. And honestly a lot of it sounded ridiculous.

The fact that I sent back a steak twice because both times it was undercooked (as if it’s a crime to want a £180 steak cooked correctly), the fact that I argued with someone who sat in our assigned seats at a cinema even though it was nearly empty...

(again, as if it’s a crime to want to sit in the seat I paid for when there’s dozens of other places for these people to sit) and other equally silly things which I can’t be bothered to get into and don’t even really remember as a result of the insignificance of it.

Despite me thinking that it was all ridiculous, I said I would do my best to be a meek pushover in public if that was the only way to get them to like me. And that I would get the car on one condition; that my daughter hadn’t actually texted the guy who abused me.

I asked to look at her messages, and she said not to even bother, because she had texted him and I didn’t have the right to control who she talks to. I said that is true, but I do have the right to spend my money on whatever I want, and I’m not getting my daughter a car.

She has one that works fine, and even if I am an ass, in a situation where her family is getting threatened, she sided with the aggressor and then doubled down on that. And that is unforgivable.

My daughter blew up at me, and said that I am “a petty little pig headed man, with a Napoleon complex, and that all the money in the world hasn’t stopped me from being a f--ing loser”. My wife SMIRKED. I said “oh yeah, because the guy who screams at old men is such a winner”.

And she screamed at me that I’m not a victim, and then something about how cathartic it was to watch someone stand up to me, and that how the second he did she watched me “shrink back into the little b&tch I’d always been growing up”.

That was the last straw. I told her to get out. But she doubled down and told me that my wife had told them about me being bullied growing up, and that “that was why I am the way I am”.

I saw my wife turn pale as a ghost at this comment. This is something I confided in her in private. Clearly this is why my daughter stopped respecting me. Obviously I wasn’t “cool enough” for her or whatever.

I was speechless, but my daughter carried on. She said “make a genuine promise to Jake he can still go to Cambodia, and ask him what he really thinks”. I just nodded. Her brother begged not to be put in the middle of this but I insisted.

All he said was “sometimes you can be a bit much, dad”. My daughter called him a pussy, and just walked out. My son ran off to his room, and my wife drove off after my daughter.

She didn’t come back last night. I’ve not heard from my wife or daughter since. I’ve called out of work. My son left for university without saying a word to me. I’ve barely slept a wink. I can’t believe it. I’m a cliche. A rich old man whose family hates him. If I was lost before, now I’m genuinely clueless about what I’m supposed to do. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought of this harrowing story.

myfuntimes writes:

I mean. ESH? But more YTA. If you are always having confrontations and everyone around you is calling you an ass then maybe you are the problem?

I would take a good, honest look at myself and try to see things from their perspective. Talk to someone you trust to give you an honest opinion -- maybe even a professional.

As for the car, you bought her a car at 21 and are gonna buy her another at 23. Why can't she buy herself a car? PS -- I can fully appreciate feeling like I am nothing but an ATM to people. It sucks. So stop being one.

wikkidywitchy writes:

Therapy. You need to go to therapy. Ever heard that saying "If you run into one asshole a day, you ran into an asshole. But if everyone you run into is the asshole, maybe the common denominator is you".

You're confrontational. You're expected to cause a scene. And you play into that very well. So much so that you genuinely think you're not at fault.

Go to therapy. You either have communication issues or a blind spot and if you want to keep your marriage and any kind of relationship with your children, it's something to work on.

Not to mention that it has to be f-g stressful to constantly be at war with the general public when you go out. Aren't you TIRED of always getting in fights? Aren't you exhausted at the stress of it? Then do something about it.

floorthrowaway writes:

Dude. Look in the mirror. If your daughter doesn't want to go out with you because she says you make a scene, your wife defends you and brings you out, and then you make a scene ANYWAY, you need a reality check. You were trying to make yourself a victim with the piggybank comment. YTA.

palecondition0 writes:

YTA. My friend was like this for a very long time – she'd loudly complain about something if it didn't go her way or take it out on those around her. Constantly getting into petty arguments or disputes with strangers.

Get therapy dude, and quit making your entire family miserable. You almost never need to comment on something, unless someone is making a direct threat to you or your family.

Anything else is just stroking your ego or taking out your frustration on other people. The world does not revolve around you. Try to live with the mindset that the person in front of you could be having the worst day or their life – treat people with compassion and an open-heart.

Looks like OP is TA here. Any advice for this dad?

Sources: Reddit
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