Woman struggles to break away from fundamentalist mom to be with 'love of her life.' CONCLUDED
'I (29F) am moving in with my BF of 3 years (33m) and my fundamentalist Mom (65F) is furious.'
My mom and I have always had a very close relationship. She tells me everything, I am her only daughter, her confidant since I was a small child (telling me everything from financial troubles to have issues with my dad/brothers, etc).
One of her points of pride has been that I have always been very mature for my age, being able to cook, clean, take care of my brother with ASD, being homeschooled, being active in my church, etc. So much so that people have always mistaken me for being 10+ years older then I was since I was 13-14 or so.
Please keep in mind I grew up in the fundamentalist world, think Duggars, IBLP, Bill Gothard, Quiver-full,etc. The vibe is ultra conservative, long skirts and hair, no TV and only select music, homeschooling, tons of kids and such. I have 6 brothers, for example. All homeschooled k-12.
I have always been extremely good at toeing the line between being compliant and being a silent rebel. I always did and said the right thing so as to not be in trouble and have privileges restricted but always questioning everything and pushing boundaries as far as I could.
I went to college; I got my AAS (Associate of Applied Science) and I work in healthcare. I moved out by myself (HUGE upset) and I am financially independent. I have lived on my own for years, and I am fully self sufficient.
I have slowly distanced myself from my fundamentalist background, I have lost almost all the friends I had growing up, as we were friends by necessity not really choice in most cases. We have rather just grown apart or it is because I left and they stayed.
Even leaving my church, I just slowly phased out, giving up responsibilities in college due to being busy and slowly showing up less and less. Again, I'm an excellent “quiet rebel”.
I met my BF right before Covid hit. We get along great, he is calm where I am anxious, absolutely hilarious and makes me feel like I'm home whenever I’m with him. I can honestly say he is the love of my life.
My mom had never liked him, feels like he doesn’t have his priorities straight (he is successful in his career and also fully self sufficient) because he likes sports too much. Doesn’t like his friends, who she has never met she just picks apart any story I tell her to find an issue with them.
They have been super kind and welcoming to me. She just “doesn’t like him” but is never really able to give me a solid reason. My dad and my brothers/in laws love him.
I told them we were moving in together in a few months. My dad told me he would prefer if we got married first but that it was ultimately my choice. My mon lost it, storming out of the house and then storming back in to tell me to get out. So I left and have heard nothing for days.
She texted me this AM saying we need to meet so we can talk before I make the “biggest mistake of my life”. Honestly I’m so emotionally exhausted. I’m tired, sad and numb. I fluctuate between trying to not cry and panic to just staring off and shutting down and trying to think of nothing at all.
I know I’m too old for this, I know I should be far past these growing pains and that I should just move on and cut her off. But I cant, who is she going have if Im gone?
Her life is so hard with my brother having medical issues and I have always been there to help amongst other things. I’m her support and feel so selfish. I do NOT want to talk to her but know I have to.
What the hell am I supposed to say? What would you say?
Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:
I'm not going to touch on the religious or moral aspects of this because I'm sure others will do so. I want to emphasize the fact that your mother relying on you as her soul confidant from such a young age is absolutely 100% inappropriate.
Your mother forced you into a position that no child should ever have to be in. The result is this overwhelming guilt as you try to establish normal boundaries. You may not have had a choice when you were young and being her support system but you have a choice now.
Please make the choice to reset this dysfunctional relationship with your mother and choose to be healthy instead.
Who is she going to have if you're gone? Your mother has a husband! And 6 other children! She is also a grown woman who is responsible for managing her own emotions. I get that that is obviously not her strong suit, since she parentified you and inappropriately used you as an emotional spouse since you were a child, but that is not your problem.
Now that you are an adult, you can, and should, refuse to discuss this topic with her. 'Mom, I have made my decision and won't be discussing this with you'. She gets upset? Leave or hang up the phone--'Mom, we can visit another time when you've had a chance to calm down'. Be proud of yourself and don't let her drag you down!
If the younger generations don’t take the reigns on their own beliefs then there will forever be a cycle of unwarranted (and crazy, in my opinion) religious boundaries set on each new generation.
Do you want your own family to grow up with that madness? Many people who leave the church have to abandon family, that’s just the reality. She’s made her choice, she is choosing the religion over you. You don’t need to support her- she can easily HAVE your support if she accepted the fact that you aren’t as religious.
You can’t change that.
You’ll have to let it go, and forge a new path for your own life and family.
It seemed like this story wasn't going to get an update but, six months later, the OP suddenly returned.
See link if you want the story again.
But for my update, My Mom tried everything; tears, threats, gaslighting, contacting people from my past to stop me. I cut contact, didn’t tell her where our new place was. She was texting my BF for weeks, he blocked her and never responded. Only recently have we started gently talking again.
My bf and I have been living together for more then 4 months. We adopted 2 dogs from a local rescue. We meal prep together, workout together, watch movies/sports and are obsessed with our neighborhood farmers market.
With the support of my friends, boyfriend, and brothers, I am going back to school this fall for a higher degree. I also started taking medication for my mental health and am seeing a therapist. I am so damn happy and excited for what the future holds.
Thank you to everyone for their support, I read every comment and cried through them all. Seriously thank you, you have no idea what everything meant to me.
Anyone wanting further context, you could watch Shiny Happy People. That unfortunately is my background.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this final update:
I am so proud of OP! Changing deeply ingrained habits is so hard, especially when someone you love is guilt tripping you. But she did it!
I hope she and her boyfriend are very happy and she enjoys her graduate program.
Also familiar with being mom's primary support person. Mine refused to seek help from any sort of professional, and didn't want to burden her friends. But for some reason her pre/early-teen daughter was the perfect person to advise her on relationship and spiritual matters.
Eventually I told her she should at least speak to one of the lady elders at our church. She was horrified, asked me if I'd be willing to ask one of them to help me change my tampon. I told her I would if I were severely disabled and needed the help.
She insisted her situation wasn't that severe, but for the next month or so any time she'd want to ask me about something I'd tell her I'd already given her the best advice I could and if she wasn't going to take it I couldn't help her. Then she switched to 'emotionally distancing for her own protection' aka snubbing me the moment I called her out on her behavior.
So very glad OP's gotten away from that. And at least her dad accepts her as an adult capable of making her own decisions.
OP is objectively wholesome. A normal person would be so proud of a daughter like her. I have also never met a happy or well-adujsted fundamentalist that is still in the church.
Ooof, this is a familiar dynamic. I grew up adjacent to the Fundie movement but not involved (small town) and I saw a LOT of this dynamic in my peers.
Mom doesn't get any support from her husband because she's supposed to be the one supporting him, and it would be selfish of her to ask for any support herself (whether emotional, psychological, or in regards to maintaining the home and raising children).
So instead the (usually eldest) daughter gets parentified and becomes a second mother in the family, and this is treated as good! and healthy!! because it's preparing the girl for her ~future~ perpetuating the exact same dynamic of popping out as many kids as possible in a dysfunctional marriage after being married off too young to someone her father chose for her.
It's f*cked up and depressing. In a very black comedy fashion it truly is as traditional as they claim, in a whole 'perpetuating systems of emotional abuse and dysfunction in order to maintain hierarchies and keep the community intact' kind of way.
And even the straight [mostly white] men who think they're benefiting from this shierarchy end up deeply f*cked up by the lack of healthy relationships.