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Brothers of late dad offer to pay for niece's tuition, infuriating the family.

Brothers of late dad offer to pay for niece's tuition, infuriating the family.

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When the mother of blended family posted to Reddit asking for advice, the internet was happy to oblige. You decide who the a-hole is, or if there's even one...

AITA (Am I the A-hole) for telling my husband I’m not going to tell my ex-BILs to stop spoiling our daughters?

u/NorthStar8378 writes:

My ex and I (44f) divorced when our daughters (Stacy 17f and Emily 14f) were young. About a year after the divorce, he passed away. My ex was paying child support but that stopped the day he died. The girls inherited their father’s estate but since he was fresh into his career, it wasn’t much. Things could have been rough as a single mother but his brothers stepped into his shoes.

They took the girls on the weekends and basically bought the girls anything they needed from clothing to school supplies and bought our groceries. They also indulged the girls’ every whim. Stacy loved horses when she was little so uncle John paid for her lessons and riding fees. Emily thought she wanted to play the piano so uncle Jeff paid for her lessons and bought her a piano.

When the girls grew out of those phases and got interested in something else, their uncles were there ready to indulged them. I tried talking to the uncles about not spoiling my girls but they said that their nieces needed to explore their own interests and those explorations will help their brain developments.

I disagree but was not in a financial situation to push too hard because they were paying so much for the girls, I was basically responsible for only the rent.

I later remarried a wonderful man who brought 2 kids into the family. We had 1 more kid together and things are good for the most part. However kids are smart so my daughters’ step and half siblings started to notice their sisters having more experiences and things than they do. My husband didn’t like the situation and we had some arguments about it over the years.

Things came to a boiling point recently when we were discussing how to pay for our two oldest kids’ colleges (Stacy and her step brother Rick 18m). Both are good students and while they haven’t gotten their acceptance letters, I have no doubt they’ll get into good schools.

My husband and I make enough money to live a middle class lifestyle with 5 kids but not enough to put them through college. The reality is that they’ll have to take out school loans. We talked to both of them about loans and this is when I found out Stacy had already talked to her uncles and they’re paying for her tuition and cost of living wherever she wants to go.

This floored us and made my husband extremely mad. He got red and started to scream how it’s not fair Stacy and Emily will get to go to expensive colleges and graduate with no loans while our other kids will have to go to state schools and take out loans. He wanted me to call John and Jeff to tell them to stop spoiling the girls.

On one hand I agree 100% with my husband that it’s not fair to my other kids but on the other hand I can’t hold my daughters back from something so wonderful. In the end, I told my husband I’m not going to tell my ex-BILs to stop spoiling our daughters. Was I wrong to tell him that?

What do you think? Should OP give in to her husband's request, or is life just not fair sometimes?

All and all, free college is not the worst problem to have. Reddit users had a lot to say on this one, but their ruling was ultimately NTA (Not the a-hole).

jammy913 says:

NTA. Your daughters shouldn't miss out from their paternal relatives just because your husband and the other children might be super jealous. Those other kids have something your oldest girls don't... THEIR DAD. You'd be a gigantic AH if you were anything besides grateful for the generosity of your former husband's brothers towards your oldest children.

yet_another_sock writes:

Your daughters will never, ever forgive you if you sabotage their chance to graduate without debt. Nor should they. That would be an incredibly cruel and spiteful thing to do to your children. And ironically, your husband's bitterness is making him shortsighted about the other kids' well-being. Having your girls' uncles assume the financial burden for their living expenses will free you up to help the other kids, where you can.

Finally, is it normal for your husband to 'get red and scream' about financial stress or the realities of a blended family? The substance of his demands, that you sabotage your kids' opportunities, is unacceptable itself, but the way he's expressing himself is also creating an atmosphere of fear and distrust.

Personally, I wouldn't consider him a 'wonderful man' until he agrees to therapy to figure out how to cope with his frustrations without harming his family.

Madbettalady speaks from personal experience:

Hijacking this to say my dad died and left me money that lets me have things most people in pay grade (PhD student on a scholarship) don't get to have. Like buying my own flat and because of that having actual disposable income. But there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do to have my dad back. Having some material things and cool experiences do not ever make up for the loss you suffered.

While having a stable home life and a good step parent can help you heal, there will always be the one days that never happened and the questions that will always go unanswered. I hope your partner can see stuff doesn't equal lost love and hurt that comes with it. they are only inadequate consolation prizes.

There will be a whole new wave of 'one days' they don't get to do with their dad, like graduation and question about life and growing older that will go unanswered. Graduating debt free helps even the playing field for them. NTA.

PompeyLulu agrees:

NTA - It’s not fair. It’s not fair that a grown man is having a temper tantrum. It’s not fair he’s putting this on you. But most of all it’s not fair that he sees the girls as having luxury when really it’s compensating for the loss of their father. I’m sure you’d all trade that money in a heartbeat to bring him back.

Sources: Reddit
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