My (43f) daughter Lara (17f) has been struggling to focus on her studies with her brothers Kyle (12m) and Ryan (9m) constantly disrespecting her privacy. A few days ago, she was yelling for Kyle to come to her room.
I asked her what happened. She explained that Kyle flipped all her items upside down. I called Kyle to come and flip everything right side up.
Yesterday, Ryan was running into her room and kept stealing her stuff, while she ran to get them back. On the night of the same day, Lara was trying to sleep, when the brothers suddenly barged in and ran through it, resulting in her screaming at them to stay out and close the door while she was sleeping, to give a few examples.
Today in the morning, her father (48m) told her he didn't like the way she was screaming. She said that she was trying to sleep and her brothers were making all kinds of ruckus. He told her that they are kids and they will learn. She said that they will never learn and the only way for them to learn is to have locks installed for her room.
He did not want her to and they went back and forth on this until she threatened she would move out as soon as she became financially independent since she wasn't going to wait for them to mature and they should already know to respect her privacy to which he said to wait to include me in the conversation.
I overheard, and when she went to her room, I told her she wasn't going to have locks set up because she already wastes her time without the need for locks and I don't want her to fail. Lara said that they were never going to listen without them and I told her that I would make sure they wouldn't enter her room.
This evening, I heard her shouting for me. We were all in the living room. Her father explained what was going on. Lara said that she was making Kyle tea which he's not allowed to do. She said that she was going to tell on them and he said that if she promises to not tell, he and Ryan will never go into her room again. She didn't say anything so they ran upstairs to her room.
I told her that she has no right to complain since she always sleeps in Kyle's room after school. Her brothers all agree and Lara calls all of us the worst, none of us are allowed in her room, and leaves.
She comes back after a minute and says that she only sleeps in Kyle's room because he never uses it aside from sleeping at night, and if he was to use it for studying, then she would never go there. Meanwhile, they constantly disturb her, mess with her stuff, and made her unable to sleep just last night.
I told her if they ever go into her room, she needs to go to me. Then Kyle starts saying that they had the right to go into her room while she was trying to sleep because they were playing.
Lara yelled at him, then said that she couldn't wait to move out soon so she no longer has to deal with them. She also called me an awful mother for not giving her her bedroom locks.
Maybe they believe that if she can lock her room she can be doing anything in there other than studying and parents would have no way to find out. It's possible that they frequently check up to make sure she's studying instead of wasting her time on her phone, or something and probably believe that their constant supervision is the only thing that makes her work hard
No let me fix that 'I don't want Laura to have locks because I want to control her and don't want to ACTUALLY fix the the problem'
And what exactly are you doing to stop your sons acting like assholes? They wreck her room, ignore her right to privacy, and barge in when she's sleeping. What exactly have you done to impress on your sons that this behaviour is not acceptable? They're old enough to know better so why don't they?
I grew up in a similar situation.
Lara is the bad kid. Doesn't matter if she's never done anything wrong, she's the bad one. Anything she does on her own is rooted in her bad behavior. Everything they do to her is excused because she's the bad one.
Her brothers, either both or just one of them, is the GC. That kid can do no wrong. Putting locks on Lara's door so he can't torture her would be taking something away from the good kid. That is something that can never be done.
Lara can't have a lock on her door because she's bad and can't be trusted, everyone in the family knows she's bad, and if she had the lock she'd obviously use it to do bad things.
Poor Laura. You and your husband are failing her in more ways than one. I can't believe somehow she's the one basically getting punished here. Also, why does she need to come get you next time they go into her room? So you can just tell her 'Boys will be boys'? YTA.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP, your sons are acting like assholes. At 9 and 12 they definitely should know to behave better, which to me suggests that they've never really had consequences for their actions. There is WAY too much drama at your house. Get your sons under control, so you daughter AND you and your hubby can have some peace. YTA