'AITA for telling my wife she can no longer be a SAHM now that our kid is in daycare?'
"AITA for telling my wife she no longer has an excuse to not work?"
My wife and I had our first child two years ago, a beautiful little girl. My wife and I agreed that her being a SAHM was worth it, and I can sustain the household on my income.
I started to notice about a year in she was getting overwhelmed and asked what I could to help. She claimed to be fine, but I started to price around childcare options. Spoke with, friends, family, and colleagues looking for any suggestions, recommendations, and resources. That is when my boss told me our job has childcare benefits.
Awesome! I start the paperwork, get the approval, and got put on a waitlist. I brought it up with my wife we toured the place with our daughter she loved it. About 4 months a spot opened up, and our daughter is now in daycare. It is run in the same office building I work at, so it is super convenient I drop her off when I head to work and pick her up when I leave. Perfect!
Here is where the issue arrives, my wife is not doing anything. We split the household chores. That is how it was in my family growing up and I find cleaning and cooking relaxing. So I am fine with it. That being said my wife has not done much with her day since our daughter started daycare.
I understand adjustments take time, that being said the original agreement was for her to be a SAHM, with our daughter in daycare not being rude staying home to be a mom is not happening. I brought up the million-dollar question 'When are you going back to work?'
This may have been a miscalculation on my part, but I figured I am in this deep let's see it to the end. She gave me a glare of death and tried to change the subject. I kindly interjected, not trying to push you but practically speaking I told her that she has no excuse to not be working.
This was my tactical error she blew up. Thankfully, during this daughter was at my parent's house so she did hear or see the yelling. We went back and forth using the classic lines from both sides of the camp. She used the good husband provides the option for their wife to stay home.
I said if you want to be then either watch our daughter or do the housework. Your being home is not a free pass to do nothing. She clapped back with your coworkers' wives get to stay home and do nothing. I told her I agree but they have cheated on their wives want me to start doing that? I am sure you piece together the rest.
The comment about cheating was not a threat, she was using the fact the wives of my coworkers get to be home even though their kids are also in daycare. I pointed out that the husbands are cheating on them.
My coworkers' situation is skewed, they have found it is more beneficial to stay together from the wives' side. We live in a state where spousal support has caps and does not matter how many years you were married before. Husbands stick around cause the status quo is just easier.
It was just to state that is not the life she thinks it is. Please it was not meant as a threat, she had envy of other families she knows and wanted what they had. I just told her the truth about what was hiding behind their walls.
It was not me saying I would cheat, just me saying the life she is envying is not all sunshine and rainbows. The wives she sees are paying a price that she was unaware of and I know she does not want to pay. She was also a software engineer.
She was 100% on board, and I confirmed with her if she was okay with the daycare options, and if not that is perfectly okay.
She does not have any mental health issues I am aware of. I have suggested she does speak with her doctor but that is something she has to do, I cannot force her. She did enjoy her line of work or at the very least that is what she told me.
I also agree with the things said did not have to be said and that it was not a proper way to handle the situation. Just wanted to clarify that I have no intention or thought of cheating. It was simply a response to her asking why she cannot have what she sees my coworkers wives have. AITA?
Let's see what internet users had to say.
kronklasworda writes:
NTA. She wants you to take on the 1950s role as sole provider for the family but finds the role of 1950s house wife insulting. She can't have her cake and eat it, too. She either does 80%+ of the household chores or she gets a job.
hungryfish3 writes:
NTA. You’re wife’s being selfish, and she seriously does have no excuse to stay home and do nothing. Maybe she misses taking care of your kid, though? It’s not an excuse for her, but that could put her in a bad mood.
genguiskhan writes:
NTA, it seems like your cheating comment is one of those things where an argument gets heated and escalated to the point of both of you going for zingers to score points rather than achieving consensus.
While it's a poor argument to make and also a bad thing to say, at the end of the day it's a communication error, and the crux of the issue is that your wife appears to want the benefits of SAH without the work.
But I can't agree with the E S H votes for the simple reason that being not proficient at effectively communication doesn't make you an AH. Only not communicating does.