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'I am pregnant with my ex's baby and don't want to tell him the truth, AITA?' UPDATED 2X

'I am pregnant with my ex's baby and don't want to tell him the truth, AITA?' UPDATED 2X


"I (26F) lied about who my baby daddy (26M) is. Do I tell him the truth now?"​​​​​​

I (26F) grew up in the midwest but went to college in California. There I met and dated Jeff (26M) for our final two years of undergraduate. After graduation I stayed in California to get my master’s degree while Jeff entered the workforce. We were happy together and we planned to get married after I got my master’s.

After I finished my schooling Jeff got cold feet about getting married and eventually becoming a father (abandonment issues from his bio dad leaving) so he broke up with me. Heartbroken feels like it would barely scratch the surface on how I felt. I had a great job in California so I stayed in hopes that Jeff would come to his senses and we’d get back together. We never did.

He met Grace (25F) and started dating her about 5 months after we broke up. I started planning on moving back to my home state once I realized it was actually over. Then he and Grace broke up at the beginning of this year. Jeff and I ended up sleeping together a few times while they were broken up (it was a very public breakup, no cheating involved).

About a week after the last time we had sex he told me that he and Grace were getting back together. He said he couldn’t remain friends with me because he still had feelings for me and he had to let them fade to be fair to Grace. His final words to me were to not call him unless I was literally dying and just wanting to say goodbye.

I left California behind three weeks later. Two weeks after I had returned home I found out that I was pregnant. It’s Jeff’s. I wasn’t gonna be that girl that uses a pregnancy to get a man back so I deleted all my social media accounts and made new ones that don’t have my name attached to them. The only Cali people I added were trusted friends who I knew either had no connection to Jeff

or who were loyal to me and wouldn’t tell him my new accounts. Early in my pregnancy I made the mistake of checking out Jeff and Grace’s respective profiles and saw that they refer to each other as “loml” and Jeff even had a picture of them captioned saying he was gonna marry that girl. That broke me all over again and I have since blocked them both and decided I had to move on with my life.

I’m now 6.5 months pregnant. Since moving back I have bought my own house in my home state and have been busy building a nursery for my baby. I already love this little baby in my belly and I feel 100% confident that I can raise and provide for him on my own with minor help from my family. One of my best friends back in California was having an engagement party.

I won’t be able to attend the wedding as I’ll be busy with a newborn when it happens so I decided to fly out to see my friends and offer my congratulations to the couple before my life becomes baby-centric. I got into town on Thursday and honestly had a blast seeing all my friends yesterday even though it’s only been about 6 months since I last saw them.

They were all respectful of my wishes not to take pictures of me below the chest. They did post some pictures of me online but from the angles it just looks like I gained some weight in my face. Nothing that would give away my pregnancy. It’s a couple days before my flight back home and the friend that I’m staying with suggested we go to the store

because she wanted to get a scrapbook for our engaged friend. So we went to the store and as we were getting ready to leave I saw Jeff’s cousin Tanya (22ish?F) walk in. I’d talked to her several times at Jeff’s family gatherings over the years but we never really got along. She was always a bit too gossipy for me to like her. So of course she was the last person I wanted to see.

The first thing she did was loudly announce that I was pregnant as if everyone in the store couldn’t tell just by looking at me. Then she starts grilling me asking if Jeff knows. I said no and that he doesn’t need to know as it’s not his. That was a lie, obviously, but I didn’t want to open a can of worms.

Tanya then tells me with how big my belly is that I’m far along and asked how could I move on so quickly. I told her that Jeff and I broke up a long time ago. She responded saying that everyone knows we were still hooking up at the beginning of this year. I did not know that was common knowledge. I figured Jeff would’ve kept his mouth shut about that.

Anyway I lied and told her that I already had a new boyfriend and that I was 5 months pregnant. She seemed to accept that and awkwardly congratulated me. My friend and I paid for her stuff and left immediately after that. I prayed that would be the end of it.

Like I said, Tanya is a gossip so of course she went and ran her mouth about seeing me pregnant just a few hours later. Now a bunch of my friends have messaged me saying that Jeff is blowing up their inboxes trying to reach me. None of them have told him my new number or social media so he has no way of reaching me himself. My flight back home isn’t for another two days and I’m freaking out.

Some of my friends are saying that I should just tell him the truth now that he knows I’m pregnant. I still say I can get by pretending it’s someone else’s and that I’m not far enough along for it to be his. I honestly just want to ignore him and go back home. However I’m having some doubts that that's the right choice and there isn’t a consensus on what to do so I’m turning to internet strangers.

TLDR; I got pregnant by my ex. Moved away, planning to raise the child myself. His cousin saw me and told him I'm pregnant. Now he's trying to get ahold of me and I just wanna go home and ignore him. Should I tell him the truth or just go home?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Justpassingthru63 said:

You should tell him. It would not be fair to your child to someday tell him who his father is without the father knowing. You risk your child being rejected and hurt.

ExaminationFine1945 said:

You’re 26 and bringing life into the world, you are not a child. You know what to do.

Angel-4077 said:

At this point he will know its not a thing you did to 'get him back' so he won't be able to throw that back at you and he clearly already knows so you might as well pick up the phone. You don't know that you & your child won't ever need his money so better get a legal agreement in place from the get go.

I suspect a guy with "abandonment ' issues is going to have some pretty strong feelings about being in his childs life either one way or the other so you should find out if is "all in " or "all out". + Grace has a right to know her partner is a Dad. What if she is infertile or would HATE him being in contact with you re your kid. He KNOWS and you need to do the adult thing now for YOUR child

Assia_Penryn said:

You should tell him the truth and then if he decides he doesn't want to be in their life, he doesn't have to be and that's on him. This isn't about what you want anymore, it is what is best for your child. He's not abusive and you should try to coparent together in a healthy way for the child's sake.

PolygonMan said:

Unless you specifically don't want him in your life for your sake, you should tell him the truth. "I need to move on so please don't contact me unless you're on your death bed" also includes "Or it turns out you're pregnant" as an asterisk.

Verdict: YTA. Commenters overwhelmingly agree she should tell him the truth.

She later shared this first update:

Hi everyone. So the consensus on my post was to tell Jeff about the baby being his. Even from just the first few comments that seemed clear. We did end up meeting up. It wasn't particularly interesting or dramatic but if anyone cares, here's what happened: He got ahold of the friend I was staying with on Instagram. I wanted to just talk to him on the phone but he insisted we talk in person asap.

In retrospect I should’ve just waited until the next day but I kind of just wanted to get it over with and it seemed like he did too. Tbh I thought he was gonna tell me that he wanted nothing to do with the kid because I didn’t see any other reason why he wanted to talk in person right that second. Keep in mind it was almost 10 at night at the time.

So my friend and I went to his parents’ house where he was waiting. His parents always treated me like family so I guess I felt comfortable being there even though we probably should've met at a neutral location. When we got there Jeff’s mom answered the door. She hugged me and I could tell she wanted to touch my stomach but she restrained herself and didn’t even ask, thankfully.

I always liked her. We made awkward small talk as she led me to the living room. It was clear that they had just had a party as it was still messy with a bunch of drinking cups lying around and confetti on the floor. On the couch was Jeff and Grace holding each other’s hands. I was surprised that I honestly felt nothing for him at first.

His stepdad offered me a seat but I chose to stand. I wasn't planning on being there long anyway. Jeff started off saying that I might be able to fool Tanya but he knows there’s no way I would’ve ever met a new guy and gotten pregnant that fast. So he asked why I didn’t tell him. I told him the truth, that the last time we spoke he told me not to contact him unless I was literally dying...and I’m not dying.

He told me that he was trying to be respectful to Grace and that obviously this would’ve been an exception. Grace chimed in to tell me that I ruined her proposal. I found out later (third hand info but knowing Tanya I believe it) that the party at his parents house was for him to propose to Grace in front of all their friends and families.

Tanya waited until after the proposal and when people were giving speeches she told Jeff she was so glad he got away from me and wasn’t gonna be stuck raising my baby. Then all hell broke loose at the party apparently. I had no idea that happened at the time or I honestly would not have went to see him at all. But hearing that he proposed was when it hurt.

He broke up with me cause he was scared of marriage and kids but he dated her not even half as long as we did and she got a ring. I put on a brave face, or at least I think I did, and acted like it didn’t bother me but it absolutely did. His mom told Grace that it’s not my fault and now wasn’t the time for that. Then Jeff told me that “obviously [I] can’t move now.”

I told him that I already did and I was only in California for the weekend. He countered saying that I have to move back. I told him no, I’m not doing that. He said well I can’t just leave. At that point I got frustrated and told him that I left months ago. My job is in my home state. I bought a house.

All my doctor’s appointments have been there. I established residency there a long time ago. California isn’t my home anymore and hasn’t been for half a year now. So then he got frustrated and got up to approach me asking if he’s just supposed to send a paycheck once a month and saying this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

I don’t really know what he meant by that second part cause he just found out I was pregnant a few hours before, but I assumed he was taking about his life plans? I forced myself to calm down and try to be empathetic. I told him that if he was worried about this screwing up his plans for the future that he had nothing to worry about. I don’t want or need anything from him.

I’ve planned everything out from finances to childcare when I return to work to even setting up my baby’s college fund. It’s all taken care of already. He didn’t really say anything. I didn’t know if he was thinking or just relieved that I had it all handled. I told him he can still get married to Grace and have his own family someday. I promised I wouldn’t bother or blame him for anything.

My baby will be loved and cared for. Jeff got teary eyed and told me that I know how he feels about this. He was referring to when he broke up with me and said that he didn’t wanna be a dad because he didn’t think he’d be a good one. He also has abandonment issues from his bio dad walking out on him, his siblings, and his mom when he was 6.

I told Jeff that he’s not him (his bio dad). That he’s better than him and always will be. His mom started crying at this point I guess from seeing how his dad’s abandonment still affects him to this day. I promised Jeff that I wouldn’t let my baby think that Jeff was a deadbeat. I’d be honest that we just weren’t meant to be together and we live thousands of miles apart.

He told me that he can’t just not be in his kid’s life and that I don’t understand what it could do to them. He asked if we could please just figure something out together. I asked him what did he realistically expect would be a solution. Because I’m not moving back to California and I highly doubt he and Grace wanted to pack their bags and move that far away from their own families and friends.

I said I’m not gonna be sending my kid on a plane every few months either because that’s too much. Jeff didn’t say anything to that so I told him maybe that could be an option when he’s older and has more independence but right now it’s not happening. Jeff’s eyes lit up and he asked, “It’s a boy?” I’d been careful not to reveal the gender up until then but I messed up there.

I nodded and he nervously asked if he could feel the baby. Before I could even respond Grace let out this loud wail and stormed off to the kitchen. Jeff apologized to me and then went to go comfort her. His mom excused herself as well as she was still crying. So she left and her husband followed her.

That left me and my friend awkwardly standing alone in the living room. All we hear is his mom sniffling in the hallway and Grace sobbing while talking to Jeff in the kitchen. It was so incredibly uncomfortable. And I know many will hate me for this but I just felt overwhelmed by the whole thing.

Maybe it makes me pathetic but having to stand in the room where a party was just held to celebrate Jeff proposing to another woman hurt so damn bad. So I left. I told my friend let’s get the hell out of here and we quietly walked out.

We ended up staying in a hotel and I was able to get an earlier flight home on Sunday. Now I’m back home and putting my focus back on the nursery. I told my friends that I had talked to Jeff and I apologized if he still tried to reach me through them. I advised them to block him if it’s too much.

I know this isn’t the end of things. I’m planning on reaching out to him again eventually. Even if he broke my heart I still care about him and I won’t deny him a relationship with his kid if that’s what he really wants. I have no idea how it’s gonna work and I’m only allowed to update once so I apologize that I won’t be able to tell anyone who cares how it all turns out.

Thank you for the advice on my last post. Even though everyone was downvoting me and the post itself it was nice to get opinions without bias.

Update 2:

I’m a little surprised to be writing this. I thought my update post was one and done but I guess it got reposted on another sub yesterday and gained traction there so a bunch of people have requested another update. I wasn't aware that people could make posts on their own profile either so I feel dumb for thinking that I could only update once, but here we are.

I greatly appreciate the newer comments supporting me. The few comments I got from the relationship advice sub were all in support of Jeff and downvoting everything I commented. I felt like I was crowned the queen of Hell over there tbh. I haven't replied to any of the new comments because while most of you just read about the incident yesterday, for me it was 2 weeks ago.

My hormones are all over the place due to my pregnancy but thankfully I'm past the headspace I was in that day and when I first returned home. I do appreciate all the well wishes for me and my baby though! Before I give an update I wanted to clear a few things up.

First, I’ve seen a lot of comments saying that Jeff proposed to Grace within a few months after they started dating. That’s not true. Aside from the one month break up where Jeff and I conceived the baby they were together roughly a year and a half before the engagement (assuming they had no more break ups after. Idk their full history nor do I care to).

Second, I feel like people were being a bit harsh on Jeff. I can honestly say he is not an abusive or controlling person. The man never so much as raised his voice at me in the four years we dated. He was a bit overbearing by demanding that I had to stay in California because that’s where he is, but he just found out about the baby and was panicking that I'd disappear and he wouldn't be able to contact me.

Which to be fair, that's exactly what I did so I get it. I had a million thoughts, some wildly ridiculous when I think about it now, running through my own head when I found out too. Third, he wasn’t juggling Grace and I at the same time like people think. She broke up with him; they both thought for good at the time.

He and I started having sex again but it wasn’t like we were in a sequel of the lovey dovey honeymoon phase. It was a weird and confusing time. We weren’t talking about getting back together. I already had a start date for my new job back home and my move was scheduled (he didn’t know any of that).

I was still in love with him of course and I hoped he’d tell me he wanted to get back together and I would've stayed but he didn’t. Finding out he was getting back with Grace hurt but I can’t say I felt used for sex. I don’t think either of us knew what the hell we were doing by sleeping together again in the first place.

Jeff is a simple man overall. I promise he’s not some supervillain taking advantage of women and playing with their emotions. I'm not making excuses for him. I wish it were that easy to say that he's a dirtbag and you should give me all your sympathy. In reality I know who Jeff is as a person, anyone who read my posts knows him as just a collection of bad and/or questionable choices he made.

If you summarize anyone up to just the bad shit they've done of course they'd come off as an unlikable person. Jeff's not evil or manipulative. He's just got some stuff he probably should’ve worked through years ago and admittedly I never thought his issues were that prevalent until we broke up. Plus I’m positive that Grace knew we slept together while they were broken up.

There’s no way that was a shock to her. He would’ve told her himself and even if he somehow hadn’t, if Tanya knew then everyone else knew shortly after. Guaranteed. Lastly, I appreciate everyone concerned about any custody issues that may arise from this.

I was also amused by the people who were hyping themselves up thinking that I was delusional and actually gonna be forced to put my baby on a plane by court order. I’m not sure why so many people on Reddit are used to dysfunctional relationships where judges and a huge custody battle need to be involved, but that’s not us. Jeff and I were together and very much in love for years.

It might be hard to picture that when you’ve only read about the shitty end of our relationship but everything before the break up was an ideal relationship which is exactly why it hurt me so much when he ended it. Things are weird now but we don’t hate each other. Our default option, even in a complicated situation like this, is not “We’re taking this to court!”

That would be the last resort. I’m sure we’ll work it out between ourselves long before it ever gets there. So on to the actual update... I planned on contacting Jeff after a couple weeks. I wanted to take time to gather my own thoughts and figure out what I wanted to say. Instead, I got phone calls from his number about a week after I returned home.

He left a voicemail asking me to call him so we could talk. I was honestly furious because there’s no way he should’ve been able to find my number unless somebody told him. It might not seem like it’s a big deal but to me I saw it as there being somebody who betrayed my trust in them. I texted him asking how he got my number.

He said it wasn’t important and that he wanted to talk. I said it is important to me but he still didn’t wanna tell me. I told him we can talk when he tells me who he got my number from. So finally he told me who it was and sent a screenshot of the conversation when I asked for proof. It was the second least likely friend I would have expected to break my trust. That’s a whole other story though.

So we talked over FaceTime and he told me that he absolutely wants to be in our son’s life. He doesn’t know how it’s gonna work long term and neither do I. There was no threat of lawyers or his mom shouting “grandparent’s rights” in the background like people were expecting. We’re adults and we’ll figure it out. The situation is not any easier to handle logistically,

but emotions from that night have died down and we have clearer heads to move forward with. He did however have the audacity to tell me that he hates that I didn't tell him much sooner and that I wasn't planning to tell him at all until Tanya found out because he "thought we meant more to each other than that." I told him I thought we did to until he told me not to contact him unless I was dying.

That shut him up quickly because he knows now that it was an extreme and unnecessary thing to say even if he wanted to cut contact with me. He's apologized for it and I apologized for not telling him about the baby myself. That's all we can really do. We're about to co-parent a child together so we don't get the luxury of holding a grudge with one another over past slights.

He also told me that he and Grace are no longer together. He claims that it was a mutual decision but that sounds too easy to me. How do you go from newly engaged to broken up in 18 hours with it being a completely clean process? I’m guessing he’s just sparing me the ugly details on what must have actually happened. I do feel bad for Grace.

Other than incorrectly assigning blame for her ruined engagement party she didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know her personally but her proposal night should’ve been one of the best nights of her life and it was ruined. I wouldn’t want that for any woman. And because I know what everyone is gonna say, no I am not seeing this as an opportunity to get back together with Jeff.

Honestly my focus is on my son right now. I’m not thinking about jumping into a relationship with anyone, much less the man who broke my heart once already. I think Jeff and I need to figure out how we’re gonna co-parent first and foremost. And tbh I want a man who loves me and chooses me for the person that I am, not because I happen to have given birth to his child.

Plus I don't know that I could ever get over that he proposed to Grace over me. Even if they broke off their engagement I still wanna know why she got a ring and I didn't. And I am going to ask eventually, but I don't think any answer will ever make it okay to me. A lot of people said it wasn't that he didn't want marriage, he just didn't want it with me.

I find that hard to believe because as I said above we really had an ideal relationship. Our breakup wasn't a buildup of issues. It really was as simple as "You want marriage and kids, I don't" which I think most would agree is just the natural end of a relationship. If it really is as simple as I just wasn't the one then I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me that himself.

Jeff is a terrible liar even when he's lying for a good reason like a special surprise. He fidgets his fingers and can't maintain eye contact when he's lying. So if he looks me in the eyes and tells me his reason for why he chose to marry her and not me, I'll know if he's being honest.

Jeff also told me that his mom wanted to send me stuff for the baby so he asked for my address. I declined. I’m positive that there are no nefarious reasons and she’s just excited and wants to help. This will be her first grandchild. However I still felt a little uncomfortable giving them my home address.

He’s been texting me every day and calls me every night to say goodnight. Sometimes he wants to “talk” to the baby. It’s a bit confusing for me because he broke up with me because he didn’t want a kid but now he wants to be involved to the point where he’s going out of his way to contact me and ask if I need anything.

It’s strange and I don’t really understand how his brain works but like I said in my last post I won’t deny him a relationship with his kid if he wants one. Jeff wants to visit me in person to talk properly, but I told him I’m not sure if that’s necessary right now. He asked to come last weekend and I said no.

Then he asked again about possibly coming this weekend but I told him I can’t because I’m having my baby shower on Saturday. He wants to come. I’m not sure if that’s a great idea. I’m not worried that he would say or do anything bad and we're getting along over text/vc. I can tell that he just wants to be involved but part of me feels like it’s sort of... idk “playing house” almost?

I guess it wouldn’t be a big deal if I made it clear he would be here as a friend and the father of the baby but not as anything more. My parents don’t think it’s a good idea but I know that’s just because they don’t like Jeff ever since he broke up with me. My sister who is more level-headed says that it could be a show of good faith that I’m serious about having a healthy co-parenting relationship

and it’ll probably be easier to build that foundation now before the baby comes. My brothers don’t care either way but they say they’re ready to beat up Jeff if he does or says anything stupid. (He won’t, but I love my brothers for always looking out for me) I’m not sure what I’m going to decide but I know Jeff needs an answer soon so he can book a flight and a hotel room if I do say yes. I’m open to suggestions.

Sources: Reddit
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