When this man in an 8 year relationship suddenly changes his mind about kids, he asks Reddit:
For context, I (M) have been in relationship with my partner for around 8 years now, we’ve known each other pretty much our entire lives and our families are extremely close.
Ever since the beginning of our relationship we made it quite clear that both of us did not want kids, I myself could not picture myself being a father figure at any point and she was pretty adamant that she never wanted to entertain the idea of kids.
Over the years it always was a laughing point for us, maybe we’d be out for dinner or doing the shopping and there would be kids screaming or causing havoc for their parents, we would always look at each other and say something like ah thankfully that’ll never be us!
I did not think I would ever entertain the idea of having kids or wanting to be a Father and the fact she was adamant on not having children was fine with me.
This all really began to change for me within the past 2 years I would say. My older Sister recently had a child, my niece. I don’t want to sound cliche when saying something changed with me when I held my Niece for the first time but I have to be honest and say it did.
Watching her grow over the past couple of years and watching how much closer it brought my Sister and her partner together made me realise I did want that, this wasn’t something I just decided one single day...
it’s something that’s been bothering me for an entire year and it’s only recently I’ve come to the real conclusion that I would like a family of my own, the only real issue is I can only picture me having that family with my partner.
So I came clean to my Partner and let her know how I was feeling. Let’s just say that did not go well at all. She believes that I have wasted 8 years of her life because I now have suddenly decided that I want kids and because she doesn’t I am going to leave her.
Now I didn’t say anything like this I only expressed how I was feeling about having children. We having been on great talking terms over the past 5 days since this conversation, but I’m starting to wonder if this really is all my fault, I mean people change but an 8 year relationship with a joint opinion on never wanting children to suddenly deciding i do…AITA?
NTA but honestly? Her fear here is valid. The fact is? Kids/no kids is a pretty important decision in a relationship and a lot of relationships fail if one party is staunchly in the “no kids” camp whilst the other wants them - either hidden the fact they want kids and lied or (as it is in your case) a change of mind.
It can cause a lot of resentment when someone wants kids and it isn’t ever going to be an option in that relationship.
Now, I know you’ve said you didn’t say you would leave her. However… As the years go on? Are you likely to resent the fact that she won’t change her mind like you did? Is it upsetting you that it isn’t ever going to happen? Are you able to live with the fact she will not ever change her mind and want to have children with you?
NAH but she has a point about an eventual breakup. If you desire kids, and she doesn't, that can lead to resentment which can hit toxic levels. 8 years into a serious relationship is very far along to switch gears.
So since she isn't entertaining the thought, which is absolutely her right, are you able to let it go? Or is this something you feel you need in your life? If you NEED to have kids, be honest, and move on. You cannot expect her to change her mind. She doesn't owe you that consideration at all. She was clear the entire time. You are the one who changed your mind.
NTA - you are entitled to change your mind. It is your life. However - what is not guaranteed is that your partner has to agree or change their mind. If this is truly a sticking point you may have to end the relationship and move on.