Man cares for ex-wife's dying second husband after she abandons him, bans ex from funeral.

Death and grief can expose people's true colors, for better and for worse.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for banning his son's mom from the memorial of her second husband. He wrote:

"AITA for banning my son's mom from a memorial?"

My ex-wife Diana has three boys who are 16, 12, and 10. We divorced pretty much after the youngest was born. We also both remarried. She married Christopher and got a divorce last year after seven years of marriage. I'm still happily married to my wife Jessica. Christopher and my boys were pretty close and they were bummed when the divorce happened. I always got along with the dude.

A few months after the divorce, Christopher disclosed that the divorce was over his being diagnosed over adenocarcinoma and Diana not wanting to be his nursemaid or responsible for his medical bills. Checks out. He told me this because he wanted to leave whatever he had to my kids. Unfortunately, he had no family of his own. Obviously I said of course and signed paperwork.

A few months ago, I got a call from a social worker saying that Christopher was a few months from dying and unable to care for himself. He gave her my number. Basically, they needed someone to help with end of life. He had made me his power of attorney. He was living in a county hospice and my wife and I moved him into our home because he deserved to live his final days in dignity.

It also taught my kids about compassion. Unfortunately he died after two weeks. He was cremated a few days ago and me, my wife, my kids and a few of our friends are planning to spread his ashes at the beach this weekend. Diana asked if she could attend and I told her to kick rocks. She wanted nothing to do with him when he was dying.

I'm not saying Christopher was a burden but that's really sad that this dude had to reach out to his ex-wife's first husband like he did. It was clearly more her responsibility. I said she can't sit there and let us do all the hard work so she can come in at the end as the grieving widow.

My older son thinks I should let her come and I told him to mind his own business and mouth. I'm not going to sugarcoat your mom for you. Your mom is a witch and will be treated the same way she treated your stepdad.

The internet weighed in with their thoughts.

teresajs wrote:

NTA. If she wouldn't stay by his side while he fought cancer, she doesn't get to be at the memorial service you're arranging. She can mourn without doing so in front of the people who actually gave this man a passing filled with caring and love. Explain to your eldest that if she wishes, his mother is perfectly capable of arranging her own memorial with the boys and whomever else she might wish to invite.

You aren't keeping her from grieving, but can't bear to watch her cry when you feel she abandoned her husband in his time of need.

I recommend that you also explain to your sons, when it is age appropriate, that their mother divorced their stepdad so she wouldn't have to care for, or pay for, his medical care; that she received her fair share of assets at the time of the divorce, and that it would be best if they use their inheritance to benefit their own life goals.

Explain that the money should be used for things like advanced education, a down payment for a future home purchase, etc...not to just give away to anyone who didn't know or didn't support Stepdad in his time of need. That would include not giving money to Mom, but also not giving it to a SO or using it to buy drinks for their buddies.

And OP responded:

He left them $10,000 each. He requested half go to a charity and the other half be used for something fun. Some of it will be saved.

TheCanvasAssassin wrote:

YTA. Don't demean your children. They have voices and opinions too. Your ex-wife doesn't deserve to be at the memorial, but your son doesn't deserve to be talked down to like that either.

9inkski3s wrote:

NTA similar happened to my dad. His partner of over 20 years abandoned him when he was hospitalized the last time and it was clear he was going to die. He spent months in the hospital with his legs cut asking to see her, we tried to lie to him about why she wasn’t there but after a bit he didn’t believe it anymore and refused to take any more medicine if she didn’t come.

She was called and said she had nothing to do there. He died 2 days later. When I went to her house to get his form 214 so his body could be given to the funeral home, she acted so hurt and surprised that he died, and asked me about the funeral. I told her we would be going by ourselves to the cemetery to put him to rest and she had the nerve to say “even a dog deserves a funeral.”

I told her even a dog deserves to be accompanied when he is at the vet, so if someone could not be there when he needed it, then no reason to now want to be there after he died. The reason why she refused to see him at the hospital…because me and my sister visited him there.

She said if we went, she was not going. She always hated us for no reason, the type of woman that gets with a man with kids then pushes for him to abandon his kids but wants him to raise her kids.

Thequiet01 wrote:

ESH - you should not have handled it that way with your son. He deserves understanding and compassion, not your anger secondhand.

XataTempest wrote:

NTA for saying no. Massive AH for how you spoke to your son, period. Way to give a lesson in compassion, then completely undermine it when your son showed compassion for someone you don't like.

Clearly, no one can agree on this one.