Man cuts off 'cheating' son's stepdaughter from will, son says 'that's unfair.' UPDATED

Nothing sets off a family discussion quite like excluding someone from the will.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for not including his son's adopted kid in the will. He wrote:

"AITA for not including my son's adopted child in my will?"

My wife and I are in our sixties, we are thinking of retiring soon and we are trying to get our finances and everything we own in order. For example we're finally selling our old house because it's too big and we don't need it, we want to live in a quieter place and a smaller house. We have three kids, all adults by now. Each of our kids have their own kids as well.

We have a daughter with one kid, a son with two and another son with two biological kids and a stepdaughter. Our youngest son was married, about ten or so years ago he cheated on his wife and they got divorced. He cheated with his current wife, then he adopted her daughter. We want to divide our state between our children and our grandchildren.

We had a family gathering to talk about some of these things, especially the house in case any of our children wanted to buy it themselves. Our son got very angry when he heard that we're cutting off his adopted child from the will. We told him she's not our family and we don't support his life choices and how he ruined his family.

He told us to stop holding a grudge for something that happened years ago and accept the child, or cut him and his family off. My wife and I think that his new wife and the child are living proof of him ruining his family. Do you think we are wrong in this? She is a child and he's right that she's "his", but does that automatically makes her our family?

He said we're treating his wife and daughter poorly and we're acting like AHs towards a kid. The step daughter and the adopted daughter are the same girl. My son married her mother and then adopted her.

People had a lot of thoughts.

Stardust_Shinah wrote:

NTA. It's your money and you get to decide how it's split. I do think it's unfair tho to exclude the kid and not your son, after all he is the one that nuked his previous family not the kid. I'd personally write him out and include the kid but that's me.

Ambroisie_Cy wrote:

So let me get this straight...you "don't support your son's life choices and how he ruined his family", yet you give him an inheritance (objects, money, whatever) and not his adopted daughter... because of what your adult son has done? Your money, your choice. But honestly, I'm still going with AH because of how you treat a child who has nothing to do with whatever her adoptive dad did.

It's not just about the inheritance, the way you write about her, makes you an AH: "My wife and I think that his new wife and the child are living proof of him ruining his family." Don't get me wrong, your son is a major AH for cheating. But in my opinion, you are as much an AH by blaming a kid and treating her differently only because she "reminds" you of what your own son did.

You act as if you were a victim in this whole story..."Poor us, this child is a constant reminder of how OUR son, that WE RAISED, acted badly towards his wives."

ChiltonGains wrote:

YTA. It's your money, you can do what you want, etc. etc. But your son is right: You're treating his wife and daughter like s#$t. They are also his family now, even though you won't accept them. If you want him to be a part of your family, then his wife and adopted daughter are part of your family too. Either accept them or cut off your son entirely.

BexclamationPoint wrote:

YTA. It's your money, you have the right to decide what to do with it, it's up to you who you consider family, and all that, sure. But you called a family meeting to tell your son, in front of everyone else (not the grandkids, right?

Please tell me this meeting was adults only!), that exactly one of his children is being excluded from your will because you don't like his choices? You're either totally oblivious or you were actively seeking drama.

After receiving a lot of criticism, OP jumped on with an update.

Update/answers to questions:

The girl was 1 or 2 years old when my son and his mother started their relationship. We don't see or talk to each other often, only in family gatherings. They live in another state. She doesn't call us her grandparents. What each of our kids is getting are family heirlooms and not money. All the money will be distributed between our grandkids in our will to hopefully help them get their education paid.

My son doesn't have contact with his ex wife or his biological kids, he cut them off and didn't even want to pay child support. My wife and I helped our daughter in law and our grandchildren. To make it clear. What my son is getting from us is some photos and items from his childhood that we keep. It's essentially "trash" but we like to look at them every once in a while to remember our kid's childhoods.

He isn't getting money or jewellery. I'm getting a lot of comments, sorry if I can't answer all the questions. For those who wonder if the girl could actually be biologically my son's daughter, i don't know and it doesn't make a difference to me or my wife. For those who say that love should be unconditional, I disagree. Love is always conditional to the bare minimum to maintain a bond, that's my opinion.

Yes, my son's two biological kids (the kids he had with his first wife) are in the will along with our two other kids' children. Our grandchildren are getting some heirlooms too, the things we're giving to our son aren't things that our other two kids would want. For those who are saying that I would neglect a child adopted by my children under different circumstances, no.

This is all about the circumstances in which this girl and my son's new wife came into the family. I don't care if she's adopted or biological, it'll be the same for me. The circumstances in which my son cheated (which is bad enough) and proceeded to kick his family out and abandon them are the reason why neither my wife, me or the rest of our family has a good relationship with the three of them.

My two other kids agree with us and aren't close to their brother either.

Clearly, this isn't a pretty situation no matter how you slice it.