'AITA for starting to hate my wife?' UPDATED
"AITA for starting to hate my wife?"
Might be kinda long. I’m (38m) and my wife (36f). We are married but it doesn’t feel like it after 4 years. My wife has really shown me her true colors. She quit her job right after we got married and went back to school. We had an agreement about it but she didn’t live up to the terms she said it would be. I co-signed the loan before we were married.
She said she’d still pay a certain amount of rent and such, before the first semester was over, she said she could only afford half of what she said. Then in the spring, she stopped paying entirely but said it was my fault because of her taxes. She was screwing around with getting stuff together to file taxes so I filed as married, filing separately.
She ended up owing because she wasn’t having enough taken out of her checks but is still convinced this is my fault, years later. Doesn’t matter how many time I explain taxes don’t work that way- I didn’t get her refund.
We tried marriage counseling but she didn’t even make an effort. All through school, even though that’s all she was doing, she treated me like I didn’t exist and that everyone owed her something because she was stressed out about school.
Meanwhile, I’m working 60+ hours a week as an executive chef and paying all the bills, including her car insurance. And for the record, this was never the agreement.
Some time later, we both decided we wanted to leave Atlanta. Right as I landed a job in Chicago, we found out she was pregnant. She was absolutely miserable during pregnancy. Complained all the time. Fussed all the time.
Meanwhile, I’m in a very chaotic job with a toxic organization, literally fighting to breathe. On top of that, I managed to sustain a pretty significant hip injury- tore my hamstring tendon and both of the smaller glute muscles.
I can barely walk but I’m having to fight through 12 hour days on my feet. One day, right after I’d first injured it, I got home in so much pain I walked straight to the bedroom, feel face first into the bed and didn’t move for 4 hours. She didn’t check on me or even ask if I was ok.
We have the baby and then she’s even more miserable. She’s angry all the time. Complaining all the time. At some point in this I start making her student loan payments. Wasn’t happy about it but I did it.
She didn’t show even the slightest bit of appreciation. I give her a credit card. Same thing. She can’t even try to complain a little less. I get home and she’s literally just thrown a bag of garbage on the floor. 12 hour days, torn hip, and I get home to that and her complaining.
A few months later, the job is too toxic, I have to leave. Wife isn’t back to work yet. I land a job in upstate ny. She says she’s supportive and then when we’re going to look at places to live she tells me she’s probably going to stay in Chicago, with the intention of moving later but she’s gonna look for jobs in NY.
Oh, another big thing… just weeks before this, she left me home alone while she was with her family for Christmas. She spent most of the month of December with them and was scheduled to fly back on the 24th.
Her flight was never delayed and weather issues were minimal that day but she said she didn’t want to go because of the weather. Real issue here is that weeks prior, she slipped up and was talking about going to see other family for Christmas elsewhere.
I pointed out that that would put us apart on my sons first Christmas. Then she was like “oh, right…” Then she basically does what she’d been planning to do anyway. On top of that, on Christmas Day, her sister posts a picture of my wife and the entire family together in matching pajamas. And I’m supposed to believe that wasn’t planned.
Anyway, She waits until after I’ve accepted the job to tell me she’s not coming. Not once in any conversation leading upto that does she say any of this. On top of that, I made contacts in her field in NY that can help her land something. She never once reached out to either of them.
So we’ve been living apart for almost 6 months. She claims she needs time for reflection, to work on herself, and to become financially independent. Some of that makes sense. Going back to school turned her into someone I don’t recognize.
She’s angry with everyone all the time and blames everyone else for the fact that every single relationship in her life is strained. We talk a lot, sporadic, and she admits she’s been pretty screwed up, toxic even, and that I was right about a lot of things. Not to sound arrogant, but I already know all that. Her saying this stuff doesn’t fix anything.
We also talk about the fact that what she’s doing right now is destroying our marriage. She acknowledges it and it doesn’t seem to bother her. I’ve seen my son precisely 3 times in 6 months. After the Christmas thing, it’s like she is deliberately trying to undermine my relationship with my son.
Beyond all this is the financial stuff. She’s still not financially independent- I pay her health insurance and cell phone. We’re paying her mom to babysit and I pay twice as much as my wife does. She also has a credit card of mine. All the while she is keeping my son from me.
We want to buy a house but I’m insistent that my wife needs to make a contribution to that. When we got together, it was all about doing things together. Somewhere that changed. Months ago, without even talking to me about it, she made a double student loan payment using my account. I was incensed.
OP provides this update:
My wife tried to do the payment thing again a week ago, but I’ve essentially closed the account and it couldn’t go through. She’s also in a new apartment in Chicago, paying $1k a month more than our previous apartment.
Because of this, she is broke and can’t save anything for a house but expects me to. Can’t make this stuff up, but she’s also planning a tip to Europe with her mom next year. She has free ticket credits, but there’s still hotels, meals, etc. She never has any money for anything to do with us, but is making decisions like this.
I’m at the point where I absolutely hate her. After giving birth, everything was different. She is the most vile, selfish, disgusting person I can imagine and I regret the day I met her. I'm honestly convinced she's a sociopath. Am I wrong?
Readers were baffled by this. Some seem to think that OP is lying. Others take his side. Take a look!
accomplisehdad9 writes:
Just get a divorce. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave living where my mother was if I were feeling overwhelmed with a small child and my mother was trusted childcare. You say you initially got the job in NY and she agreed to go with.
However you also say you BOTH wanted to leave Atlanta, you never said there was any discussion ahead of time about looking for a job out of state when you were in Chicago. You are both acting like single people so may as well be single.
livinginternet writes:
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted into oblivion, but this sounds extremely one-sided and like there’s a lot more to the story.
She started to go back to school (presumably to better your family and financial situation) and your response was to split your finances out and hold her accountable for bills even though she was going to school and you were working 60 hours a week.
You then split finances out further and didn’t even file taxes as a couple - not by her choice, by yours. Did you give her a heads-up that you were going to file on your own or did you just drop that out of nowhere and surprise her? You wanted to move to Chicago - sounds like she followed you.
\You get her pregnant and then complain that she had a miserable pregnancy - you were mad that she didn’t check up on you when you had an injury but it sure doesn’t sound like you were doing anything to take care of her when she was pregnant with your kid?
Frankly, it sounds like you have hated her for a really long time, and we don’t have the other half of the story to know whether it’s justified. It seems like you hated her even before things went sour.
And now you’re shocked that she doesn’t want to be around you. Your post makes it sound like you contribute financially and that’s it, and then you’re mad that she allows you to contribute financially.
Do you make those payments then use it as an excuse to be hateful to her? I wouldn’t be appreciative of someone contributing financially if they held it over my head and treated me poorly for it.
This sounds like the relationship is done for and you need to get on with it, but I’d be willing to bet your next relationship is going to be the same way if you don’t figure yourself out.
bellydancer4 writes:
Thank God someone caught onto this. Doesn't excuse her behavior, but complaining about paying for her insurance? This isn't his roommate. Something didn't sit right with me with this post.
She seemed alone A LOT and was being treated like a parent-child relationship rather than a spouse. It isn't abnormal to have one spouse be more proficient at finances, but he's holding it over her head and keeping tabs like he's the company accounting dept making her feel shitty about it.
And leaving his kid for a job? He's taking her away from maybe the only support system and familiarity she might have. He treats this like a corporation not a marriage. Did she get any input to being moved yet again? I dunno, he isn't innocent in all this.
spicypoeticjustic writes:
Actually, I think he is the one carrying more narcissistic traits. Too much me, me, me. NPD, though a growing diagnosis, is still not as common as Social Media portrays it to be.
A lot of people are pretty traumatized and this can manifest in several way. Sounds like she was struggling to get through school, and she struggles with organizing, some type of disability that causes executive dysfunction.