'AITA for not wanting to give any money to my pregnant ex?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting to give any money to my pregnant ex?"
My ex (25f)and I (27M) were together about 6 months but during that time we were free to see other people. Things weren’t working out so we broke up. Over a month after that she finds out she’s pregnant and tells me baby is mine. But I already knew she was seeing other guys so it was also possible the baby isn’t.
She got mad that I was having doubts but I said if we got a paternity test and it showed I’m the dad then yeah I’ll 100% be involved. My Ex didn’t want that and she’d rather wait until after the baby is born to get a test done so I said that’s fine, it’s her choice. But I won’t get myself involved unless I know the baby is mine.
Like I already know I could be set up for child support if I start helping out now and then later it’s revealed I’m not the father. (I live in the US and have heard this stuff happens a lot) I’d rather not even risk it you know?
She’s about 8 months now and I have started saving up money, reading up some books, making shopping cart lists of baby clothes and furniture to buy in case I am the father so it’s not like I’m not preparing for this at all.
So right now money is tight with her since I know she’s only working part time. She doesn’t have the money for a baby bassinet or clothes because she practically lives paycheck to paycheck.
She started asking to let her borrow money for baby stuff but I’ve told her no. Far as I know she doesn’t have other family she’s close to and friends are the same as her with money.
But I already said I’ll start giving her money and helping out once I know her son is mine. Otherwise I’d rather not get involved. I’ve even told her to reach out to the other guys who could also be the dad’s but she said one is even more broke and the other she hasn’t been able to contact.
So for right now seems like I’m the only one actually able to offer financial support. We have a couple mutual friends and I’m getting shit from them because they know I have the money to help out. She could be the mom of my kid so the least I could do is provide.
They say they would if they had the money, since I do have the means and this baby could be mine I should already be helping. They have a point.
The baby could be mine and I’ll be happy to help out...once I know he is in fact mine. But everyone else is seeing it as I’m being too cold and inconsiderate. I don’t think I am but want to know what others believe. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say:
[deleted] said:
NTA. You don’t owe her anything until you’re sure of paternity. And TBH if she can’t afford to have a kid, regardless of who the father is, she shouldn’t be having a kid.
EffectivePath3 said:
You actually have “friends” who want you to give money to an ex-girlfriend who could be pregnant with another guy’s baby? Tell those people to give her their OWN money, then wait for the paternity test. NTA
Tired-of-this-world said:
Do not let her put your name on the birth certificate until you have had the paternity test or you will be screwed for money till the kid is 18 even if it is not yours
V0mitBucket said:
NTA. Your legal concerns are extremely valid. You’ve offered her a compromise and she doesn’t want it. Of course everyone around you “would help if they could”, but of course they also never will.
If you want them off your back EDIT: tell them that you cannot do anything for fear of there being legal repercussions.
Also get some legit legal advice
The_Curvy_Unicorn said:
NTA. That said, as a former child support worker, I have some suggestions for you:
1. Request a paternity test immediately. This can be done for little to no cost through your local child support enforcement office.
2. Do not sign ANYTHING AT ALL until you have results. Nothing. Especially do not sign something called an Affidavit of Paternity. These cannot be undone. Do. Not. Sign. Do not let the hospital tell you that you must sign.
3. Consult a family law attorney.
4. If you wanted to help her before the baby is here and without a DNA test, it will not change your child support obligations. It’s what’s done after birth that matters.
5. Again. Sign nothing. I cannot stress this enough. Nothing.
Oh, and NTA.
The man has since followed up with this major update:
Hasn’t been that long but thought I should update since many of you wanted to know. Following what a few here suggested I tried talking to my ex again about getting the prenatal paternity test done right now since she kept pressing me about giving her money.
I said if her situation is that bad then let’s have this test done already so if the baby is mine I can start helping now. Because if we waited until after birth she was going to have to wait for my support until the results came in.
Plus if she still refused a paternity test then, it would be more waiting around to get a court ordered test. Meaning no help from me at all for a while even after the baby is already here. So yeah she agreed to it in the end.
He’s not mine. I just got the results day before yesterday. My ex didn’t really have much to say. She only texted “fine then I wont bother you anymore.”
I told her I was sorry and wished her luck. Also told her about what u guys commented about Facebook posts selling or giving away used baby stuff, plus the WIC program that could help her out since she’s low income. But she didn’t respond after that and haven’t heard from her since so I don’t know if she’ll look into those.
Not gonna lie I’m a little disappointed. I know I was having my doubts about this baby being mine and was keeping my distance. But like I said, I was mentally and physically preparing in case he was so that I could be there as a father. Still feel that loss but at least now I know for sure. I appreciate everyone who commented and thanks for the info and advice.
[Maury voice] "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER"
Responses to OP's update:
I feel like OP dodged a bullet, since from the original post it seems like she only reached out to him because he was the only one financially stable. Even if it ended up being yours, she didn't know that, she just wanted the support. I do feel bad for her, but I would have felt worse for you if you were legally mandated to pay child support of a baby that's not yours.
Thanks for the update. I was curious about how this situation was going to turn out. Since you knew she was seeing other guys, you did the smartest thing you could have done - establish paternity as the first step.
It's understandable that you may be left with a feeling of loss. For a period of time, there was the potential that you brought another human into the world. That potential is now gone. You seem like a good guy and have never been the AH in this situation.
exandmoney OP responded:
Yeah exactly. Hard not to feel some sort of attachment at the possibility of having a kid. I know it’s not the same as actually losing a kid (he was never mine to begin with), but I guess there’s still that emptiness and sadness. I know I’ll get over it in time. The news is still fresh and all
Just a suggestion, could y'all throw her a baby shower? Especially the friends who told you off for not helping her, what are they doing now? Funny how people clam up when they could indeed help.
exandmoney OP responded:
Maybe yeah. Probably won’t be able to actually meet, plus she’s due soon. Their issue was they were all just as broke as her but don’t see why pitching in on a gift would be a problem for them.