Man refuses to marry formerly homeless GF unless she meets certain requirements. AITA?
When this man gives his GF an ultimatum, he asks Reddit:
"AITA for not being willing to marry my gf until she meets certain requirements?"
My(49m) girlfriend(44F) have been together for 5 years. When we we had first got together she had been though some terrible emotional and physical abuse. She was unemployed, living in her car, only sleeping a little every couple days, having multiple daily panic attacks and serious short term memory issues.
I wasn't looking for a relationship and neither was she but she booty called me one night and basically never left. What started as fiends with benefits and a place to crash developed fairly quickly into a full blown relationship.
Early in the relationship both clearly stated that neither of us wanted to get married again. However in the last year or 2 she had been indicating that she is no longer content with being just a live in girlfriend.
In the last 5 years she has done an amazing amount of healing her panic attacks have almost completely gone away. Her memory and sleep cycles have returned to normal. She has started working part time.
She still isn't contributing to household expenses yet but, I am in no rush and not demanding anything from her. I own my home and make enough that I can support us both without much trouble.
I am willing to consider marriage but still feel that the dynamic of how things started is holding me back. A part of me still worries that she is with me because I supported her in a difficult part of her life and that when she no longer needs me she will no longer want me.
15 years before we got together we went on one date and had a nice time and she politely told me that she didn't fee a spark and did not want to pursue things. I was fine with that we remained friends both of us got married to and divorced from other people in the intervening time.
I wasn't what she wanted back then but when she was at her lowest I was. It makes me wonder if she loves me or the sense of security I provided her.
I don't want to marry her until she is in a place where she could support herself without me me. I want her to have a decent job and enough money put away the she could go out and get her own place if she wanted to. I need to know that she is with me by choice rather than for shelter. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
scarcity6 writes:
NTA. Man your post made me want to cry. I don’t want to marry her until she can live without me.. so the decision is rational and of her own free will. You’re wonderful. You understand love and true support.
Love is you wanting independence for her and the ability to make decisions free of coercion regarding her stability. You’re a keeper dude. This is what’s best. You’re giving her room to heal and make truly good choices free of external forces that may push her to make a bad move one.
mutualbuzzaueen writes:
You are not wrong and quite frankly I would be surprised if she ever made it to self sufficiency. She doesn't need to when you're content paying her way. I'm highly suspicious of her motivations given your history with her. I predict her plan is to coast on you forever, or to get married then leave with half your money. DO NOT GET MARRIED.
localgazelle0 writes:
You’re not wrong for feeling this way. Marriage should definitely not be on the table yet. I think you need to have a conversation with her about it, either 1:1 or with the help of a therapist.
I would suggest talking to the therapist first yourself to find the best way to position what you’re saying to make it about HER - being independent and in a good place mentally/emotionally/financially so that she’s making choices for the right reasons.
Rather than talking about your doubts and concerns, no one will ever take it well if you tell them you wonder if she’s with you for shelter and your $ support. It’s just about re-framing the conversation so they hear what you’re saying and you can get the best outcome.
As someone else said, what you want in your 40’s is very different from in your 20’s. (Eg Personality vs just a hot bod!). She may not have been interested then, but can now see you for the compassionate, caring and kind partner you are now, that’s helped her recover from her trauma.
It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s with you for mercenary reasons. However, she maybe should have started therapy a few years ago to help her build some independence earlier. But now is a good time to start.
jehabo writes:
You're NTA for waiting until she can independently stand on her own 2 feet. F here. I've experienced financial dependency from 2 of my exs. One was in school fulltime, had part time job making a few cents more than minimum wage and was living with family.
I paid for 95% the food and 85-90% of the vet bills. He didnt gift me anything at all. i was the gifter. I loved him so i stuck with it. I'm GRATEFUL I'm no longer with him. In the end, i wondered if he truly did love me for he barely spent any money me. I feel i provided him wayyy too much.
I kind of regret it otherwise I'd be well off. Lolol! The other ex, he had 2 part time jobs, when he lost 1 of them, he looked at me with puppy eyes asking if i can support him. Ummm.. WTF?!? How long has it been since she started working part time? Has she tried looking for fulltime employment?
Perhaps you may suggest that you both start to budget together that way you can see her finances...