The most mainstream portrayal of having kids often shows pregnancy and birth as a smooth and magical ride into the world of parenthood. And while this can be the experience for some people, the reality for many is far more complicated.
Pregnancy and childbirth, even in the modern age, can still be a physically risky experience for both the mother and child. Miscarriages, stillbirths, and various complications are far more common than media depictions display. And the trauma people carry from it is often invisible.
AITA for ruining my sister's gender reveal?
I am going to keep this light on details to avoid being identified so if I left anything out I'll try to answer.
Background: I (30M) have a sister 'Layla' (28F). Both me and Layla are married, I to 'Pam' (29F) and Layla to 'Greg' (30M). Me and my sister had a grandma who sadly passed away when we were in high school. Since we are both married and both plan on having kids, the topic of names came up and we both said we wanted to name a child after our grandma, let's say her name was Victoria.
We didn't really fight about this per se and just agreed whoever had a daughter first could use the name. About a year ago Pam got pregnant which was very exciting. We found out it was a girl and did a gender reveal where we announced we were going to use the name Victoria.
My sister was not upset about this and jokingly said something along the lines of you beat me to the punch. A few weeks after this my sister announced that she was pregnant. Sadly, late into the pregnancy Pam miscarried and lost the baby. This was incredibly difficult on us and Pam suffered especially bad, both physically and mentally.
My family has been there to support us but we have asked Layla to give us some space as seeing her pregnant is a lot for us at this time. While she was upset about this, she understood. Recently, my parents threw my sister a gender reveal party similar to the one we had for Pam. My Mom convinced me and Pam to go and we felt we were in a good spot to go.
We get to the party and all is great until we get to the gender/name reveal. The way it was going to work was Greg's family was inside the garage holding a banner that would be pink or blue and say the baby's name. When the garage opened me and my wife were shocked to see a banner that said 'Welcome baby Victoria Greg's last name.'
I asked my sister WTF and she said since we weren't using the name it's only fair she should get to. My wife started sobbing and I took her to my car but not before telling my sister she is an evil human being who doesn't deserve to be a mother. Now my Mom is mad at me because Layla also has a high-risk pregnancy and this was very stressful for her.
Most of my family is saying I should apologize for what I said. AITA?
ETA: I think people may be confused about this and this is my fault for using the wrong words. When I say miscarried, my wife gave birth to a stillborn. while our daughter was never alive, my wife gave birth to her, it was just too early for the baby to live sadly. Our daughter is buried in a grave that says Victoria, which I think is part of the reason I was so upset.
I'm definitely going to say a NTA, what your sister did was definitely horrible, but has she actually experienced losing a child. She probably doesn't understand the feeling. I don't think you should have gone to begin with honestly.
'My Mom convinced me and Pam to go and we felt we were in a good spot to go.'
Did your mom know what your sister was going to do? If so it's clear who is the favorite. The fact that your mom is angry to me seems like she doesn't really care about your loss. I would ask your sister that if Pam did manage to give birth but V died as a toddler, if your sister would have named the next daughter she had Victoria. Your baby may not have seen the world but she was real.
She was there. She was loved. I would stop talking to any family members that are mad at you for a while. None of them really cared about your loss. I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you the best regards for your's and Pam's future.
NTA. I am utterly dumbfounded and appalled by your sister’s lack of care. You and your wife had a baby daughter named Victoria. The name “Victoria” is on her grave. Good Lord you two have suffered enough, I can’t believe your sister would be so cruel as to use the same name, without consulting you, so close in time to your loss. And to have it be revealed like this? I can’t even.
Anyone who tells you to get over it? Ask them how they’d feel if for the rest do their life at family gatherings they’d have to hear their deceased daughter’s name be called out. Hear about “Victoria’s” milestones on a close timeline to when your daughter’s would have been. I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to your sister again. It’s that bad and heartless.
NTA. Your wife gave birth to your child, a stillborn, who you named Victoria, and then buried. You lost your child. I am so sorry. Your sister saying ‘I’ll take your dead baby’s name cause you’re not using it’ is vile. F her.
Nope not an AH. It was very selfish of your sister to drop a bomb like that. Your sister should have approached you and your wife and asked how you felt about it. Seeing the sign was like re-living the fact your baby died.
Your family is being very cruel to you and your wife. Frankly it is very thoughtless of your sister and your Grandma would be very disappointed in your family. Take care of your wife and yourself, allow yourself to grieve.
OP is certainly not an AH, but his mom and sister could seriously benefit from a class in empathy.