Man sets HARD boundaries with parents about visiting him & GF's newborn. AITA?
When this man is frustrated with his family and friends, he asks Reddit:
"I set hard boundaries with my parents about visiting my newborn. AITA?"
Me and my GF are expecting our first baby soon. We have spoke amongst ourselves and decided we'd like a week of just us and the baby initially.
Her mother is going to be there at the birth, and she's offered to stay the first night so my GF and I can get some rest whilst she sees to the baby. We haven't taken her up on the offer, but we will see how we feel at the time.
The other day I told my mum and dad about a week with no visitors, and my mum got upset. She was shocked they couldn't see the baby first thing once we were back home.
I said it's all subject to change, as we don't know how the birth is going to go, and we don't know how my partner is going to feel after the birth, so we might not want to entertain people straight away.
My mum went from being sad to getting angry, saying I had no balls and this was all my GF's decision, and I need to tell her that my parents can come on the first day.
She then went to the toilet and cried and told me to be gone when she came out. My dad is dissappointed, but was much calmer, and said we should consider changing our minds for the sake of my mum, as she has done a lot for us. I left.
The next morning my sister calls and essentially tells me off for upsetting mum, and asking why my GF's mum can see the baby but ours can't. I called my mum that morning and said that I probably shouldn't have said a week as a timeframe, and specified that her and my dad were obviously priorities when it comes to meeting our daughter.
To avoid further drama, I told her that realistically they can come round sooner than a week, but we just wanted to say no visitors within that period so that no-one just turned up, and we had control over who was coming.
My mum then said that us wanting control was "BS" and went on to say "I've got four grandkids who I'm perfectly happy with, if this is how you're going to be!". She was very annoyed and said how she's been there for all my firsts, and that she can't believe we would do this to her and my father. She then said she is still angry and the conversation ended.
My GF spoke to my dad, and explained our situation, how we don't know how the birth is going to go, how she will feel, and that I am just supporting her in this decision.
She says this because I personally wouldn't have been bothered about people coming to our house the next day after we got back from hospital, as the rest of the women in my family had done this.
We haven't tried to upset anyone with this decision, we just wanted that time to be a new family for a bit uninterrupted without people coming over and wanting to hold the baby whilst my GF is potentially going to feel very raw.
My dad then called me, and said he'd try and talk to my mum and calm her down, and that what she said was out of order. He said that because she is hurt, she lashes out and wants me to hurt as well. He said he would calm her down, and arrange for me to go to their house to sort it out.
He called back this morning saying to give it a day or two as she is still angry. And she has said that when I do go to their house, she wants some questions answered. One of these being, "why were we at the back of the queue, and why now are we allowed to see the baby the next day".
The answer to this is that they were never at the back of the queue, we just wanted that time to ourselves. I know that because my GFs mum will be at the birth helping her, and has offered to stay to help out, my mum feels this is unfair on her, and that my GFs mum is at the front of the queue.
When my GF told her dad about us having a week his reply was "yeah, no worries, do what's right for you" and had no issues.
For those saying I'm not supporting my GF etc.... every decision made above is by both of us. We speak about everything with regards to this and I'm not making decisions without her.
Let's see what readers thought.
jamboreejunket writes:
NTA. Your girlfriend is the person going through a major medical event where her body is going to be pushed to the brink. That next week healing she is going to feel like she got hit by a truck.
It is her prerogative to decide who gets to see her healing with raw breasts and raw undercarriage. Your GF's mother has seen your GF's private bits while presumably your mother has not.
It is 100000000% your GF's choice to say sorry MIL I don't want you to see my private bits or see my breasts while I struggle through breastfeeding...
(if GF goes that route) or see me bleed through a giant post-partum pad and get blood all over the couch. Good job on you for standing up to your mom, but your mom's entitlement and her subsequent threats are really atrocious.
safedocument writes:
YTA but only because you back-peddled and forced your wife to compromise. Grow a spine! Stop arguing w your family. Just tell them “we’re not having guests until we’re ready” and walk away. THERE’S NO DEBATE, THIS ISN’T UP FOR DEBATE.
Your wife is having a medical procedure done. She gets to decide when she’s ready to see guests and who she’s ready to see. Your family has ZERO say in it. Yeesh.
swarden writes:
You’re NTA. Speaking as someone that had an overbearing MIL that tried to visit after I had a less than stellar birth experience and wasn’t really conscious, I feel your post acutely.
And I will tell you, your partner will appreciate you making her and your new kiddo a priority. You have created a family of your own, and they do need to come first. My hubby had to stand up to his mom that day, and I remember feeling so relieved that he chose what was right for us.