'AITA for telling my kids I don't care if their mom passes and I don't love them?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my kids I don't care if their mom passes and I don't love them?"
I (56M) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer back when I was 37. They caught it relatively early but I was not expected to survive. About a month after my diagnosis my exwife (Sara, 55F) divorced me, took the kids, house and most of our savings.
She even turned the kids (at the time 14M, 12F, 11F) against me and I was alone (only child and my parents died in my 20s so no other family) to deal with my seemingly inevitable death. Well except 1 person, my coworker, Jane.
She was the only person in the world who seemed to care about me. Before you ask, there was no infidelity, Sara divorced me because "she couldn't be my nurse as she watched me die". Anyways, the doctors wanted to try to removed the tumor after a few courses of chemo, and I went into remission after the surgery and some more chemo.
I tried to be there for my kids, but Sara remarried and my spot was taken by her new husband. After a while I stopped calling on bdays and holidays, stopped giving gifts, stopped trying to be involved in their lives.
It hurt almost as much as the cancer when I realized I didn't mean anything to them. I ended up marrying Jane and we have 2 kids. It still hurts but I love my new family and they actually give a shit about me.
Anyways, Sara recently got diagnosed with terminal heart disease and they are struggling financially. My kids called me for the first time in over a decade to ask me out for lunch.
I didn't want to go but Jane said they're extending an olive branch and to at least hear what they want to say. At lunch they didn't even both with pleasantries, they immediately jumped into asking me to help out their mom with medical bills.
I said no and got up to leave, but my son said that even if I didn't love their mom, they did and if I loved them I needed to help.
I asked them what their half siblings names were, when the last time they called, who they spent the last 2 decades worth of father's days with, why tf I should give a shit about a woman who took everything and left me alone while facing my death or about the kids who wouldn't even see me before my surgery or at any point when I was dying.
They were silent. So I said, "I don't care about your mom, nor do I give a single shit if she dies. And I don't care how bad her dying hurts you guys because I care about you all as much as you care about me, not in the slightest. I won't help because I don't love her or you guys" and left.
I have been getting calls from my ex's family telling me how awful I am for saying that to my own flesh and blood. I wouldn't care but my wife told me that even though I'm right, I was too harsh on them. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
bateltactec writes:
It might not be your children’s fault for abandoning you, however their mother turned them against you, and they probably did the lunch on her bidding. Besides, you have no reason to help someone who abandoned you in your most vulnerable time.
Also (sorry if I missed something but) where’s the stepfather in all of this? Overall, not the asshole for not wanting to care for your ex-wife. She didn’t want to care for you, and it’s outrageous for her to expect it from you.
gonebabyback writes:
NTA. While it’s true that Sara likely strongly influenced the kids in how they interacted with you when she left, they’re all adults now and had plenty of time to reconnect with you prior to her terminal diagnosis.
They didn’t. They came to you because they wanted something from you, not because they care about you as a person.
I think you were honest, and even if they’re upset you’re not the bad guy here. They might not see it that way, but that’s ok. Did you have to phrase it the way you did? Maybe not.
There was probably a part of you that wanted to return some of the hurt you felt over the last ~20 years, you had the opportunity and you took it. But they baited you with the “if you love us” line, and that sort of emotional blackmail is the reason why I just can’t call you TA.
All of those people calling you now, trying to make you feel bad…how about they pony up to try to help Sara and the kids instead of spending time and energy berating you?
These people are nothing to you. Let them get off on their indignation until the next thing that irks them comes along. Don’t bother engaging, as it will only drag you down.
I’m sorry things went this way for you in life, and I hope you’ll lean on Jane and maybe a professional to process some of the feelings you have about this latest development.
Then, OP offers these two updates.
Sara remarried about a year after I went into remission. I tried for 11 years but all I'd get on the calls was a thank you and one word answers about what's going on in their lives.
As time went on the calls got shorter and shorter, if they answered at all. I stopped calling after 11 years because not one of them answered on christmas.
I tried spending time with them in person over the years but it was always short because the kids were busy, or at least that's what I was told." I fought for my kids until the youngest was 22.
Then, OP adds another update.
When I signed the divorce papers I gave my ex full custody in exchange for her not taking everything in our accounts. After the remission I voluntarily paid child support but didn't seek custody because because all three of them wanted to live with their mom.
At the time I thought the kids were scared of me dying and that's why they didn't want to see me. I didn't want to believe she turned them against me for a long time, and by the time I realized it seemed to me like forcing them to live with me would just push them even further away. I think Sara told them I was having an affair but I don't know.