'AITA for not staying home with my daughter while my wife goes out with friends?'
"AITA for not staying home with my daughter while my wife goes out with friends?"
Background: My wife rarely goes out with friends (~6 times/year) and has never been very social and prefers spending time with me. I am more social, but that has declined as we have focused on our family (we have a 2-year-old daughter), and I spend time with the same three friends once/week for games night (sometimes in person, sometimes online).
I have another three friends that I see only once every two months, also for games night. If I go out my wife will tend to our daughter (I often still help with dinner/bedtime, but sometimes leave earlier than this). Our daughter's bedtime is 7:30pm, and she often sleeps through the night without fuss (wakes up fussing maybe 5% of the time).
I always offer for my wife to sleep in the next day, or something similar in exchange for me going out so that it's not a one-sided thing.
Scenario: My wife made plans to spend an evening this weekend out with friends, she would be out from 6pm until late. After she made those plans, I was invited to my friend's birthday thing with my "second" friend group. If I went I would be gone from 5pm until late. Last time I saw them was exactly one month ago.
I brought this plan up with my wife as I wanted to make arrangements for a family member to take our daughter for the evening. She was irritated by this, and argued that I should stay home. I have since spoken with a family member who is happy to take our daughter at 5pm and have her stay the night and I have communicated this to my wife.
I made it clear that this will not affect her plans at all, I will be responsible for drop-off and pickup of our daughter, and will not ask anything of my wife because I understand that it is rare for her to have a night out like this and so I don't want her to change her plans at all. She still thinks that I should stay home.
Her arguments:
• She says that since she always covers for me that I should also cover for her
• She doesn't want to ask this family member to have our daughter for the night because she thinks we ask too much of them
My arguments:
• I am covering for her as she does not have to change her plans and doesn't have to do anything for our daughter
• This family member loves watching our daughter, and my wife is often quick to agree to leave our daughter there for sleepovers plenty of other evenings out of convenience (eg: we will be there for dinner and put our daughter to sleep there so we can visit longer, then we will leave her there for the night) so I don't see why this time it's too much to ask.
I feel like she wants me to stay home as a form of punishment for going out more frequently than she would prefer. "Punishment" feels too strong of a word, I don't think there is any major resentment behind this or anything, I just don't know how else to describe the feeling.
So, AITA here for making plans to go out the same night my wife also already had plans to go out, even though I am covering all arrangements for our daughter for the evening?
People weighed in with all of the thoughts.
EmpressJainaSolo wrote:
YTA.
Not a big one, but this is more about the emotional load than logical reasoning.
Your wife is likely not going to be enjoying herself the same way she would if you had stayed at home. She isn’t necessarily going to worry all night, but she will be aware that your daughter is out of the house. She’s going to mentally check in - now they are driving over, now she’s likely settling down, now you are picking her up, time for bed again.
irregularunreliable wrote:
YTA - Really inconsiderate here. Parenting your daughter isn’t a punishment, it’s what happens when you decide to have a child with your wife. You go out much more often than she does. Your wife understandably wants you to take care of her for one night, and I totally understand not trusting even family with her, if that’s the issue.
Most CSA comes from family...disregarding any of that, you’re her FATHER and she’s your DAUGHTER. Why is it so hard for you to watch her? Shirking the responsibility onto someone else instead of watching her for one night is wrong. Your friends should understand you have a child and can’t go out whenever. Grow up, she’s your child too.
fizzbangwhiz wrote:
YTA. You see your friends far more frequently than your wife sees hers. You’re long overdue to take more turns staying home. When’s the last time you and your wife went out together? You should save your babysitting credits with your family members for date nights, not just nights where you go hang out with your friends by yourself like usual.
The fact that you think it’s a punishment to stay at home with your own child while your wife has an extremely rare night out is really telling. Stay home with the kid, apologize to your wife, and plan a date night soon where the family member can babysit.
avatarjulius wrote:
YTA.
You calling parenting a punishment, make you the AH. You guys having nights out is whatever, but parenting your child isn't a punishment.
This is definitely not going the way OP planned. He genuinely thought there would be an echo chamber here
lucksterluke16 OP responded:
I will agree I am somewhat surprised at the number of Y T A responses. But I did not come here looking for an echo chamber. I value the input from unbiased parties. It gives me a different perspective and something to reflect on. I am being argumentative where I genuinely think people are jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about things that are not included in my post.
ValleySparkles wrote:
Just based on this, NTA. But you are quick to dismiss major resentment. Try to figure out what is really going on. Your wife is caring for your daughter alone once a week and you are never doing it? What does making it feel more even look like? A gym night?
Another hobby? A few hours entirely alone when she can sit in a dark room and watch a movie with her favorite cocktail? Even if your wife is an introvert, she is still missing out on something from her pre-kid life by being primary parent and she still gets your support to replace that.
After reading the comments OP added these edits:
• Not sure why everyone thinks I'm planning on getting drunk, but I would not be drinking if I went to the birthday.
• I would also be the "on-call" parent and would tend to our daughter in case of any emergency
• I used the word "cover" to describe solo-parenting as that is the word my wife used when we spoke. Neither of us are the type of people to call parenting "babysitting" when it is solo.
• The "punishment" I am referring to is about missing out on celebrating with a friend, it is NOT referring to spending time with my daughter
• Just because my wife only goes out 6 times a year does not mean that is her only free time. We have 5 evenings free every week where she can either do her own thing or we can spend it together. We share the evening "on-duty" time equally
• The vast majority (like 90% or more) of my time out is spent after my daughter is asleep, the normal routine is for both of us to do dinner/bath/bed routine, and then for me to leave afterwards
• The family member I am referring to is on my wife's side, however we are very close with them and it is normal for me to talk to them directly, they feel just as much my family at this point as they are hers
• The family member is also very experienced putting our daughter to bed without us being there
• My daughter has her own room at this family members house, as well as another's. This is because they care for our daughter on the 3 days a week where both my wife and I work so that we don't have to pay for daycare.
We are extremely lucky to have such helpful family, and the reason she has her own room/bed at these places isn't because we "pawn her off" there frequently, it is because she naps at these places 3 days a week, and on occasional evenings.
Both family members are empty nesters who admittedly love caring for our daughter, and other young family members. We try to compensate them but they often refuse, and they even go so far as to ask to have our daughter over.
OP and other people like this VERY LONG response:
i think you're getting a lot of unfair flack OP, but my judgement is a very, very soft YTA. like, here's the thing — your description and explanation of everything is extremely logical. i read your post and spent so much time scrolling through all the comments completely unable to understand why everyone was attacking you and making assumptions.
i genuinely could not comprehend how you could be in the wrong, given that neither of you would have to give up your night out and your daughter would be well taken care of. and if i were in your position, id absolutely want to go out and be completely stumped as to why so many thought i couldn't.
but then i thought some more, and another commenter mentioned something about how this is about emotions, not logic, which was what helped me realize why you should stay home. lemme explain:
your wife doesn't just want to go out with her friends, she wants you to stay home with your daughter when she does. not as punishment, because you're always going out and she's always staying home with her. she wants you to stay home with her for three reasons, as far as i can tell: first, the one she told you about how this family member already does so much for you guys.
i know that you asked them and they said they'd be happy to, i know you have a routine set up where you do this all the time, and i know that because of this it seems ridiculous to assume that you'd be putting this family member out by asking for their help one more night.
but here's the thing: she was probably already worried that you guys rely on this family member too much, and now here's a situation where you don't have to rely on them, so to her it probably feels that much more egregious and entitled to choose to take advantage of their kindness just so that you can have a night out.
so to her, this is not an isolated event that can be looked at in a vacuum, it's the straw that breaks the camels back. or rather, it's the iron pipe that you throw on top of all the straws. so, regardless of whether or not your family member is happy to take care of your daughter that night, it will still stress your wife out that you're asking them to, and she won't be able to enjoy her night out.
that alone is enough of a reason for me to think you should stay home, but there's two more. the second reason is that she wants YOU to stay home with your daughter. i know in other comments you said you spend a lot of time with her, i know you said you'd only have dinner and bedtime with her even if you did stay home, but i want you to look at it from your wife's perspective.
she stays home alone with your daughter a lot more than you do. i'm sure that those nights alone with her entail the same dinner and bedtime, so not a whole lot of time on any given night. however, these nights add up. your daughter is spending more time with your wife than you, and as a result they are building a deeper connection/relationship.
does your wife PERCEIVE herself to be the primary caregiver? emphasis on the perceive -- it's not about whether she is based off a logical breakdown of time/chores, it's about whether she thinks she is. and if she does -- why? further -- who does your DAUGHTER perceive to be her "main parent"? who does she go to when she's hurt, or has a question, or has a nightmare, or needs something?
is it possible that the time/chores/stuff you do for your daughter/household is more practical and less emotional, and therefore does not build as deep of a bond with your daughter as the work your wife does? basically, i think your wife wants you to take this chance when you're alone with your daughter to build the same relationship with her that your wife has.
she wants you and your daughter to have a closer relationship, for your daughter to know and rely on you as much as she does your wife. it's also possible she's tired of being the primary/main, and wants you to be equal parents. this night is just step one in that direction.
(side note/observation: your wife might be looking at things in the long term/trends, while you seem to be looking at things in an isolated, individual way. keep that in mind for future disagreements).
the last reason, and imo the most important one, is that she wants you to stay home. it honestly doesn't really matter if it's logical, it doesn't really matter if you don't need to, it doesn't really matter if someone else can watch her and you can both have your night out. she's asking you to stay home, staying home would make her happy, you should do it. it's a small ask, and doesn't put you out too much.
yeah it sucks you won't get to see your friends and celebrate their birthday, but if they mean that much to you then you should organize another night out for you to spend with them to make up for it.
i know that just on principle it seems unreasonable, and you still might not Get It, and maybe you're even worried about slippery slopes and not wanting to entertain crazy demands just to make the wife happy. but ask yourself — does she always make unreasonable demands? is this a running theme?
or is it that every so often she asks for something that you can't understand why, but it wouldn't be the hardest thing for you to do? because there are times where we can't really understand the reason why someone does something, but we can accept that they do and respond accordingly.
your choice here is to use logic to deny your wife's feelings, or to accept that she feels the way she does and do what you can to make her happy.
that's why my judgment is YTA and not NAH. it's because while logically you may be right (and that's only if the first two reasons i offered were wrong), your wife is having emotions and the kind thing to do would be to acknowledge that and do what you can to help, even if it involves a bit of sacrifice.
this tiktok about logic, emotions, and empathy is some good food for thought and informed a lot of my perspective. hope it helps :)
lucksterluke16 OP responded:
This was incredibly helpful and insightful. And as much as I hate TikTok, that was also very helpful lol.
camzeee added:
This is one of the best responses to a AITA thread I've read. Well done. Sometimes doing the right thing is to make sacrifices to appease the ones we love even while logically there's a solution where everyone wins. It's something I struggle with and this is a wonderful reminder that it's better to be kind than to be right.