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'AITA for wanting to meet my 'daughter' after giving up my parental rights?'

'AITA for wanting to meet my 'daughter' after giving up my parental rights?'

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Long story short: in my twenties I (40f) had a one night stand with this guy 'Nathan' (now 41m), and got pregnant. I first thought of having an abortion, but Nathan had come from a conservative religious background (not Christian) and wanted the baby.

So we made a deal: I would give birth to the child and sign away my parental rights (my name is not even in her birth certificate, it's a possibility in my country), and he would pay all the medical expenses plus some extra for my troubles. That's what we did and didn't keep contact after his daughter was born.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine who has the same religion as Nathan sent me a post from her temple's youth group (they were asking for donations for the homeless) and one of the girls from the picture looked a lot like me. I searched for her profile and found out that she had Nathan's surname and had the right age to be the baby I gave away.

She's 17 now and seems to be doing fine: she is involved in charity work, apparently loves music, and has lots of pictures with friends and family (Nathan, his wife, and her half-siblings).

I never wanted nor want to be a mother, but I became curious to know more about this human I put in the world, so I texted Nathan's old phone number, which he has not changed, and asked if he would allow me to meet his daughter, since I gave birth to her.

I made my intentions clear: I do not want to interfere with his family, just to know her. He then wrote a long text which basically said that I am an asshole for wanting to know his daughter now after I 'abandoned' her and that this meeting would only mess up with her head.

I told him I was telling him out of courtesy because soon the girl will be an adult and will be able to choose for herself if she wants to meet me. He then blocked me.

Am I being the asshole here? I don't think there is any harm in meeting my 'daughter'; she already has a great family and it would only be beneficial to her to know about her own history. But maybe I am not seeing the full picture.

Clarifications:

When I said I don’t want to be a mother I didn’t mean I didn’t want a relationship with Nathan's daughter. I am not her mother since I didn’t raise and don’t want to take this place from the person who truly did: his wife. I also chose not to have children of my own.

I live in France. What I did is called accouchement sous X, the law here allows women to given birth anonymously.

Nathan told me that she knows her mom is not her birth mom but I don't know what he told her about me

Here's what people think:

Smart-Bake713 says:

So you didn’t want her then, you don’t want her now but you’re curious to see how she turned out? YTA. You have no desire to be in her life but want to meet her…. Do you not think that would be upsetting to meet the woman who gave you away and learn she still doesn’t care about you? Leave her alone

VinnyCapistrano says:

Soft YTA. You signed away your parental rights. You didn't want this child. You don't get to change your mind 17 years later and decide you want to insert yourself into her life, any more than any other stranger off the street should get to insert themselves into her life.

If she wants to meet you after she turns 18, then that's her decision. But you already made your decision, and that was to not have this child in your life.

karenna89 says:

NAH. You asked, he said no and it’s over until the daughter wants to reach out. I do think it is natural for the child to desire to meet a bio parent, but it’s completely up to her. She may be perfectly satisfied with her family and have no curiosity whatsoever about her birth parent. Either way, it’s not about you, it’s about your bio daughter’s needs and choices.

Bulky-Engineering471 says:

I think the 'why now' is obvious: OP found out that the girl she acted as surrogate for (seriously, the compensation bit makes it very much surrogacy) has actually turned out very well, quite likely in direct contrast to her expectations. She wants a piece of credit for that even though all she did was carry and birth the girl and do absolutely none of the actual raising.

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