'I'm meeting my 16-year-old son for the VERY first time tomorrow.' + UPDATE
"I'm meeting my 16-year-old son for the VERY first time tomorrow."
To make a long story short, 17 years ago, my GF at the time came to me and informed me that she was pregnant. We were in the process of splitting up when we found out.
She already had one child (from another gentleman) and was undecided about her next moves, but it was LIKELY that she was moving back with her parents to get some life things sorted. Her parents are approx. 14 hours away.
We discuss options and what each of us would like with respects to the child. It was agreed upon that our number one intent was to provide the child with a safe and stable household in which to grow up. Adoption was the direction we were leaning.
Fast forward about 6 months into the pregnancy. She makes the decision to get back together with her first Childs father and to attempt to repair that relationship. We discussed what would happen with the Childs upbringing and that Father 1 would be willing to accept full responsibility for the child and would accept him as if he were Father 1's own.
Fast forward again to the child being around 1 year old. I receive a phone call from the Childs mother asking if I would like to meet, just her and I to discuss things and catch up. I agree.
We meet and catch up. She gives me a couple of photos from the first year life. I am also informed that the move back to be closer to the mothers parents is happening at the end of that month.
The only other contact that was made was approximately 5 years ago, when I got an email with an updated email address for the mother. No other details were provided to me.
One final fast forward to Sunday of last week. I receive a notification that the Childs mother would like to connect with me via LinkedIn. It is of note that neither of us keep any real social media presence as neither of us really see a point to it. Accept the invitation and get a message via linked in:
Hi (Whynz),
I apologize for seeking you out through your business, but this was the only way I could find to contact you. This must be a bit of a surprise to hear from me out of the blue. I hope you are well!
(Childs name here) is 16 years old. He has been asking questions about his birth father and genetics…I think he would like to meet you. If perhaps you might also be interested, please contact me at (phone number) or (email address). (I only joined LinkedIn to be able to reach you)
If, you have concerns or would not like to meet, I would still appreciate a short reply, just so I know you received this message. Again, I hope this finds you well:) (Mother's name)
I am completely shaken at this point. I have ebbed and flowed on a desire to reach out for YEARS, but have not done so as I have not wanted to overstep and deeply value a 2 parent household, not a 2 parent household + another parent (with or without spouse) on the side.
I reach out to the mother via phone and we have a short but pleasant conversation. They are living about 45 minutes away and have been for about the last 12~ years. We agree to meet for a coffee and to catch up (again) the following day (Monday).
We talked for about 5 hours, I saw many photos, heard about the Childs upbringing, his successes, his failures, some funny stories, ALL of the things that a parent would like to hear about their child.
At the end of the meeting, I am asked if I would like to meet the child, at a restaurant somewhere close to the middle of the two of our places on Saturday (tomorrow). I agree to this and am now approx. 16 hours away from this meeting.
I am going to be completely honest...I am freaking out over here. After feeling like I had failed my first (and only) child, I chose to get a vasectomy as I never wanted to feel that level of guilt and failure ever again. There were many times that I felt like I was never EVER going to have the opportunity to meet my child and I have done a lot of work to "make peace" with that thought.
How do I even approach this situation at this point? I am over the moon excited to meet my child for the first time, however, I still have such incredible feelings of guilt and failure. I have concerns for the unknown.
Will the meeting be a positive one? Am I simply going there to get shredded by a teenager with an axe to grind or an otherwise negative disposition towards a father that was not there for him?
As mentioned above, I have never had children, I don't know HOW to parent... I recognize that is still very much not my role, but that doesn't change the fact that I have no idea what I am doing, even in this meeting tomorrow. Any thoughts and opinions are very welcome.
EDIT: It is now 2:45pm Eastern and I am just about to walk in. I have read a lot of the comments and thank all of you for the words of encouragement and advice. My stomach is in knots and I am still in a relative state of panic/stress.
Regardless, here we go! I will post again (likely tomorrow) with how everything goes. This has received so much for love than I anticipated.... Again, thank you all.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Tell him exactly what you told us about the conversations you had with his mom and your desire to see him grow up in a 2 parent home. Tell him you were afraid of overstepping boundaries and wanted him to enjoy a normal life. Thank him for wanting to meet. Tell him you would like to stay in touch as much or little as he wants. Let us know how the meeting goes.
Yeah, knowing that you do care about him and you wanted/still want the best for him will hopefully give him a good feeling. Rejecting him might hurt him. Tell him you trust his parents to take good care of him but if he ever needs you for something his parents cant provide you will see what you can do.
I “met” my father when I was 18. Things I wish he had done. If possible bring pictures of grandparents, other family members etc. express that he did love me and in your case make sure he knows this decision was something you and his mother had made in his best interest.
Accept and listen if he feels pain for this decision or was okay with it. Give him contact info so he can keep in contact if he wants but let him know it’s ok if it feels awkward or he doesn’t want to share much. Basically let him take the lead but absolutely respond if he contacts you again. Ask questions about his life and interests.
Gave my baby up to an open adoption 20 years ago when I was 23 after the father died. I wasn’t ready to be a parent on my own. I sent a gift every birthday and received a pic Xmas card every year.
Last summer she flew to my state to meet her siblings and I. It was a roller coaster experience but very healing for our hearts. Just be open to the experience and enjoy meeting your kiddo.
I met my father when I was 12. It is a very emotional process to go through. The best thing you can do is make sure that the child hears you say that you loved them the entire time.
Go at the child's pace but make sure to show interest. Being nervous is just a sign that you care. Definitely make sure you don't allow any person (significant other) in your life to impede due to jealousy. Good luck.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
First off, I once again would like to express my sincere, heartfelt thank yous to each and every one of you that sent in such incredibly kind and thoughtful comments. I did not really know what I was expecting as a response when I made the post, but what I got was (for the most part) so incredibly kind and thoughtful.
I am truly humbled by the outpouring of support from all over the globe! For the first time in the better part of a week, I managed to sleep "well" and took advantage of that to "catch up" on some rest. I apologize for the tardiness of this update.
Regardless, here we go:
We met at 3pm eastern yesterday at a "sit down" chain restaurant.
When I walked in at 2:45pm, I was standing at the front waiting to speak with the hostess when I saw my ex walking up to me. We spoke briefly and I was informed that my son was sitting at a table close. I was beyond nervous.
We walked over the to table together, it was oriented thus that his back was towards the door. I let his mother lead and she said in her typical calm and gentle voice. "(Child's Name), this is "Whynz"". We exchanged smiles and I sat down across from him. As expected, the tension and nerves were palpable. All parties involved were very much "wired for sound".
We exchanged pleasantries, similar to what anyone would do when meeting someone new for the first time. "Pleasure to meet you", "I have heard many good things about you", "How have you been?".
The "How have you been" question sparked a response that I was not necessarily expecting, but probably should have given that this gentleman across from me shares my DNA and therefore I should have known he would also carry my dry/sarcastic sense of humor.
"Like recently? or over the past 16 years?" was the response. All I could really do was smile broadly and answer with "whichever you would like to share, or both if that works for you".
We shared a meal, spoke for about 2.5 hours at the restaurant and took some first steps to "catch up". I learned about his love of books, movies, and music. His DEEPLY rooted love of video games, mythology and folk lore.
He assuredly had questions about me and my life over the past 16 years, but he was exceptionally kind and gentle in his questioning. I never felt like his intent was to attack, only to probe and to quell his curiosity about "where he came from".
Near the end of the meal, there was a pause in conversation and I felt it appropriate to very simply and frankly say "Thank you for reaching out" which was met with a very genuine smile and a "of course" as a response.
We collectively decided to leave the restaurant and walk around a shopping center that was close by (see also: in the same parking lot). We walked and talked for another hour.
Very casual conversation, like that of a couple of old friends catching up after an extended absence in each others lives. The sense of calm and relief that progressively washed over me as we had this conversation was unbelievable.
As the meeting came to a conclusion, both my ex and I reinforced that it is greatly the decision of my son if he would like to continue to foster a relationship and that both of us would support, respect, and honor whatever decision that was made. After a moment of reflection, "I think that I would really like that" was uttered.
It is not lost on me that there is a LOT of work to be done and that it is going to take a LONG time to do all that work. I am ready for it. I am honestly willing to do what I need to in order to make this right.
I know that he has a lot to unpack, my ex has a lot to unpack and I have a LOT to unpack from this past week. I am simply happy and content with the thought that things are moving in a healthy direction.
We took a picture together before we left. I have it on my phone right now. I am not about to post it for anonymity purposes of my child. But one thing that really stands out to me in the picture is that we have the same damned smile. haha...
The world works in such strange ways, but I am a firm believer that "things will unfold as they are intended to" and this is another step in my walk of life. Come what may. I am here to accept it and work my ass off to cross any hurdle that may show. Thank you all again.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
He sounded giddy in the update, like after a really good first date 😊. I hope it continues to work out for them both. Mum sounds great too in the way she has handled it.
I missed your original post but I wanted to share with you that I have a very similar experience, albeit from your son's perspective! I (30M) met my bio dad when I was 16 after seeking him out. Our conversation went similarly to the flow of yours and ended the same as well. If I may offer a bit of unsolicited advice, please take things slow.
My bio dad started the relationship slowly and then after only a month or two of knowing him decided to “be a parent” and immediately started trying to dictate how everything in my life would go. It ended up with us being estranged for about 7 years. We have a relationship again now but it's not the same as it was before.
I'm not saying you would do the same or that you haven't thought about it, just some two cents that might be similar to some thoughts your kid could have in the future. I also want to say just how awesome I think what you're doing is!
As a new father myself, to my 15-month-old daughter, it’s crazy to feel the parental responsibility now and see the story from a bit of a different perspective. I wish the best to all of you!
I was happy to read this update and it made me tear up. I love reading posts like yours. Thank you for being brave. You and your son will both be the richer for it. Good luck with everything!!
As someone who just recently had a first sit down with my 14 yr old son that had never met me, I feel every bit of this post 👍
Edit: I just read your original post and I nearly went through the EXACT same situation. It's pretty surreal finally meeting your own flesh and blood after so many years, im sure we share the same excitement about finally repairing a relationship and getting to know them and being involved in your life.
This was so wholesome. Great job from you and your ex in facilitating this meeting in such a way to make your son comfortable enough to open up. One thing I might suggest trying, since your son is open to further meetups. Choose one of his interests he told you about and make it your new mission to get up to speed on it.
For example, if Supernatural is his favorite show, start watching it over the next week. Or start playing his favorite video game, etc. It'll be nice to have something the two of you can talk about that isn't about the past and doesn't always require him to share personal info or answer probing questions, if that makes sense?
It will also give you something casual and low-stakes to text him about. If you're lucky, eventually it can be an activity the two of you do together. Plus, it shows you were listening to him and care about his interests.