I (40 female) and my husband (42) have a daughter (9). She was adopted when she was born by myself and my husband and she knows she’s adopted.
Her biological mom was a very sweet 17 year old girl who wanted to give her the best life she could. I don’t know if her father knows she was ever born. (There was no drug issues or anything like that.)
Recently, she had a school project where she was supposed to write about where she comes from. She is determined to find her biological mother and father to find out. I offered for her to write about our family instead.
My husband and I don’t want her reaching out to them. We told her this and she’s upset saying we don’t understand and that she’ll always wonder about them. She said we’re being selfish and keeping her from finding out who she is. We obviously just want what’s best for her.
Answers to questions:
The adoption was closed per my husband's and my request.
The birth mother did give us her contact information in case our daughter ever wanted to find her.
She does have a letter from her birth mother explaining why she was adopted and that it wasn’t because she didn’t love her.
I took some peoples advice and called the phone number I have. To my surprise she returned my voicemail.
So I did get her age wrong she was 18 when we adopted our daughter and is now 28. Not married and no additional children.
She did confirm the biological father does not know my daughter was born.
I let her know why I was calling but that I truly did not want them to have communication. I explained my reasoning and that we’re her parents and are only doing what we think is best. She let me know that when my daughter and I are ready she’ll be there to answer any questions.
I should also add her biological mother did offer to do an interview by sending a video answering my daughters questions or an email.
Questions, answers and comments:
Please please please reconsider this. Do some research. My little sister was adopted at birth in a similar situation, and I am a foster/adoptive parent now, and I promise if you don't let her meet her birth family when she's younger, she will create her own narrative about them. They won't be real. They will be saviors or demons and that will follow her into adulthood.
She will have questions about who she is, where her freckles came from, why she is allergic to cats. If she meets them now, much like a beloved but weird aunt, or an step-cousin who lives in the basement, or a best friend you adore but still see as human she can accept them as real people, like all of us, with great attributes and maybe serious flaws.
Even if she struggles, you have years left to process and be there for her and help her through. That is not necessarily the case if your lack of support makes her take this journey as an adult or otherwise without you.
You're coming across as insecure and possessive. Your daughter should see you as the person who raised her and gave her a childhood, and that wouldn't be diminished by the person who gave her life. Whatever you're doing to hide things from her or limit her development or dictate her life will cause resentment and alienation.
momma2myworld OP Responded:
Or maybe I just want to protect her.
From what? Everyone understands that you 'want to protect her' but from what?
momma2myworld OP responded:
What if her biological mother decided to stop contact? What if she then decides to want to know her biological father too? What if she’s rejected? What if her heart gets broken? What if it’s not what she expected? What if she can’t handle meeting them emotionally? What if she’s mentally not ready?
What if they give her too much information she’s not ready for? What if she’s disappointed? What if she resents being adopted? What if she feels abandoned after meeting her?
Your update actually makes it so much worse. You’re going to go back to your daughter and tell her that you’ve had contact with her birth mother (the one thing she wants more than anything right now) but she can’t have contact because…..reasons.
But you sent her a list of the questions she wanted to ask and she can have a video of the answers, should you decide to give it to her I guess. This poor girl’s whole life is going to be you insisting on being the go between for communication between them isn’t it?
momma2myworld OP responded:
I don’t plan to tell my daughter I made contact with her biological mother and I didn’t plan to send her biological mother the questions. She offered to answer them but without contact allowed I don’t see the point.
Since there are 1.7K comments here I don't know if this has been mentioned, but the time bomb is that the biological father doesn't know he has a child, and that the biological mother seems to know who he is. Adoptions have been reversed because of wrongful adoption.
While I agree that allowing contact is optimal. It's going to open a whole can of worms that is could also be traumatizing. Poor kid.
momma2myworld OP responded:
That’s what I’m afraid of.
OP told the bio mom about the post, which she found, and left this comment:
love_and_happiness_ bio mom says:
Thank you. I’m in no place to pass judgement. She stepped up to the plate when I needed her and has mothered her for 9 years. I am forever grateful for everything she’s done for her. For now I’ll be waiting until their family is ready and when they are I will be here to answer any questions I can.
I was adopted at birth via a closed adoption in FL. I always knew I was adopted, and was always told that I was special because of it. My adoptive parents always insisted that my birth parents were married but unable to keep me and wanted me to have a better life.
But, as I child, I internalized that there must have been something wrong with me. It doesn’t matter how many times you are told that you were wanted. There is always the specter, lurking in the background. Unwanted.
I spent most of my life searching faces of other people for similarities. The first person I ever knew who looked like me was my son.
For any adoptive mom’s reading, nothing diminishes your role in your child’s life. Just like having or adopting subsequent children doesn’t decrease the bond you have with your adopted child. The human heart has an infinite ability to love.