Mom calls her daughter a 'private school snob.' AITA?
When this mom feels guilty about calling her daughter out, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for calling my daughter a private school snob?"
My daughter "Ella" [26F] is a doctor. She works very hard and is very talented. She's spent most of her life with her mother but took up a position at a hospital near me, and so moved in with me.
She doesn't own a car at the moment but I've insured her to drive mine so she can use it to get to work.
Ella worked a lot of continuous 12 hour shifts, and finally got a day off today. She's pretty exhausted, but had an errand to run.
She ordered a new pair of designer trainers, but neither of us were at home when they arrived, so they were left at a delivery centre nearby for her to collect.
There is a bus stop about 5 minutes walk from my place, and the bus stops right outside the delivery centre. It's about a 20 minute journey.
Ella asked if she could borrow the car to pick up the shoes. I said no. I only use the car to get to work, if I'm carrying a lot of things. I don't use the car for anywhere that is walking distance or a short journey on public transport.
Ella got upset, and argued that she's been on her feet all day for several days and is too tired. She then said that she's "not the sort of person who uses public transport".
Her mother's and their family are extremely well off. Ella went to a very prestigious private school. Unfortunately they also have certain... attitudes towards people not as fortunate, one of which is that public transport is used by "unsuccessful" people.
When she said about not being the sort of person who uses it, I said that she needs to get that snobby private school attitude out of her head if she wants to get anywhere in life. She swore at me and stormed off, but did end up going on the bus to get the shoes.
While she was gone Ella's mother called me, shouting at me for "making our daughter's life difficult" and accusing me of "trying to hold her back" etc. She said I should "show that I care" that she's worked so hard at the hospital.
I accept that I shouldn't have said the private school comment, but Ella isn't so tired she can't brave a 5 minute walk to the bus stop. I don't want her to be reliant on the car when there are other ways to get where she needs to go. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought. Readers were extremely torn.
individualtango6 writes:
Calling 50/50 on this one because, given someone just worked a 12 hr shift at a hospital (helping others), you don't really get to dictate how tired they are and justify it off your personal metric of tiredness-enough-to-get-public-transport.
If someone said they just finished 12 hrs at a hospital I'd be more inclined to just make their life easier (for that particular day, not like every single day), whereas if someone said to me that they just finished 6 hour shift sat in an office, and said they were shattered, then yeah I'd like "really?".
But I think some of your reluctance comes from the fact that yes I'd definitely say she seems to come across as "snobby" if she thinks she's too good for public transport.
Although that is a lesson I think you and your wife need to decide if it's something you make her to do or not (and if it'd worth the arguments which are clearly going to ensue because of that) because at the end of the day the car is legally yours, you can say no at any time you see fit.
ndbogan writes:
NTA, she does kinda sound like a snob (sorry). But also she's living at your house right? So she needs to take a chill pull. To be honest, I also I would have used the car not because the alternative was a bus but it is just quicker/easier.
Cars are the biggest wasted asset people own - you drive them somewhere then leave them on the side of the road like giant pieces of metal trash. If it was me, she could have used it. Also if she is paying for fuel I mean you kind of should let her.
lacroix245601 writes:
ESH. I think it’s an incredibly weird hill to die on and a super arbitrary rule for seemingly no reason, in the end—it’s your car.
While I definitely think “I’m not the type to take public transportation” certainly smacks of elitism, I will say as a female, public transportation and even Uber type transportation gives me pause for my safety.
It’s mentally taxing to be on alert at all times, make sure I’m holding my keys so I can use them to defend myself if needed, making sure my safety alert app is working so everyone knows I’m in an Uber and will make it to my destination.
There are entire niches dedicated to protecting women from other people where i don’t think men really think about it in the same way. I’ve had times where men have acted yucky towards me on public transportation. Less so on the train, more so on buses. And it has nothing to do with class or status.
People behave badly everywhere, from every walk of life. Even walking in my neighborhood at night, I’ve had men acting badly (for example, a dude pulling up next to me and wacking off, come to find he’s done it to many women and police can’t find him) so my husband would rather he walk our dogs or at the very least insists I always carry my mace.
I would rather my child, who has been responsible with my belongings and not abusing the privilege, take my car and have less to worry about. Especially bc it wasn’t as though you were using it, you just wanted to “teach her a lesson." To each their own I guess.
midnightconclave writes:
YTA. No matter how snobbish Ellie's comment sounded, a doctor who works multiple 12h shifts, helping people, deserves some comfort on her rare day off. Public transport is uncomfortable, it takes time to walk there, to wait for it (depending on the timetable) and then do it again on the way back.
Strangers on the bus can be loud, rude, smelly, can make inappropriate comments or try to touch you. Nothing would have happened to your precious car, should you allow your daughter, a hard working medical professional, to take a short ride or her day off.