Mom convinced that BF's SAHD practices will give newborn 'reactive attachment disorder.' AITA?
When this new mom who has to work to support her family is concerned with her BF's allegedly abusive parental tactics as a SAHD, she asks Reddit:
"Am I wrong for not trusting my boyfriend being a SAHD?"
My boyfriend (M26) and I am (F33).I work full time and my boyfriend is a SAHM to our 4 month year old.
I know everyone is going to suggest us switch roles but I have to work. I can’t be a SAHM and my salary is needed, I work a lucrative job and I make A LOT of money.
My boyfriend on the other hand is still finishing school online he has just a few more classes left and he stays at home with our baby because of his flexible schedule. Also, no we can’t hire a nanny.
I just don’t like how he takes care of our baby, it’s just lazy. He lets him cry way too much. If he did everything for the baby like feeding, burping, changing, gassing, etc and there is nothing else he needs then he just lets him cry until he eventually falls asleep.
He told me that I need to relax and stop creating a dependent baby because I grab and hold him immediately once he cries and my boyfriend just lets our baby cry it out because “he just cries for no reason when everything is done.” Well umm yeah that’s the only form of communication they have at that age!
I can’t focus at work because I watch him through the FURBO camera and he is just being a bad parent... on his laptop or watching movies while our baby is crying in the crib until he cries himself to sleep.
Now the thing is I can’t really find any evidence online saying what my boyfriend is doing is definitely wrong because I saw sources saying it’s not particularly unhealthy to let your baby cry it out but it just doesn’t seem right to me. That said there is some research that says otherwise.
I talked to my boyfriend how that hurts my feelings and he said “that’s because your a woman and you’re just overly emotional. You're a helicopter mom.” At this point, I am concerned that my child will have RAD (reactive attachment disorder), from my BF's neglect.
Let's see what readers thought about her BF's parenting. They were conflicted about how harmful his behavior was.
okapili writes:
NTA. Look up the situations in East Block orphanages that created RAD kids. Those babies were fed, changed, left to cry, as they were in basic maintenance/survival conditions. Many were eventually adopted and found to have long term deficits in social emotional development that could not be corrected in later years.
RAD is Reactive Attachment Disorder. This became known in the US after the dissolution of the USSR in the 80s led to widespread disorganization and poverty and Surprise Bonus!
A sudden surplus of available white, often-blond orphans up for adoption - just what American middle-class waiting lists had been looking for. Many ended up in the US.
A few years later, there were growing reports about WTH is with these kids? who would not connect with families in typically expected ways. Some were abandoned or “rehomed” and a couple widely publicized cases were sent back with no plan in place - I vaguely recall one kid being simply put on a plane to Eastern Europe.
As a teacher, I had one student who was one of these adoptees: Eastern European, beautiful child, RAD. His parents were near breaking point and starting to look for residential care. Heartbreaking.
chizkey writes:
Kind of YTA. I don't find his method particulary harming if otherwise all the baby needs are covered. But I kinda raise an eyebrown about his emotional investment here, and how he talked to you.
Is okay to let the baby cry, but he seems to act as if the kid was only another chore and not a human being to bond with. Correct me if I'm wrong because I don't have enough info but does he typically spend time with his kid in a lovely bonding way or he just does the tasks?
I assume he is the main caretaker since you work out of home so I could get, if he spends time bonding, picking them up, having skin-to-skin contact, etc, that at some point he has to let the baby go and cry by themselves, even if it sounds harsh to you. But if not, is not really a good thing for the baby that the father kinda neglects them emotionally.
But the thing that I didn't like at all was him telling you you are too emotional because you are a woman. That's some sexist bs I would personally not tolerate since it typically gets also used in any argument to make your feelings less valid just because of your gender.
If it was me I would put some boundaries (politely, is not about fighting or making a war, but about making a statement) about it and not accept that argument as valid ever again.
needsmore7 writes:
YTA - take some parenting classes and learn how to parent before judging people based on your own drawn up conclusions.
You straight up admitted that you coddle the baby at the first sign of a cry, and that baby is catching on and realizing that you are a pushover.
Your child is going to grow up and be worthless to society. Sit on their ass and do nothing but cry to mommy to get their way. 40 years old living in the basement with no work history.
Life isn't all hugs and kisses from mommy. You need to stop judging your man for not wanting to raise a little worthless coward parasite for a child.
My mom did the same sh& to my little brother and he's such a worthless loser. All he can do is stay up all night play video games all day and when he doesn't get his way, he cries and threatens suicide.
The dude is almost 30 and the most experience he has is working as a lot boy in a car wash for a year. And this was the year he got sent to live with his uncle, where it was required to have a job or be in school full time.
You should concentrate on raising a self sufficient human being and not try to shield a person from the realities of life, lest they grow up to be terrified of everything because they were never required to face any harsh realities, since mommy was always there with a boob in their mouth gaslighting them that they will always be there to take care of them, which you won't.
By the time you realize you ruined this person it will be too late and all the sudden it won't be your problem anymore because they are grown. I'M SERIOUS.
logicalmagician0 writes:
Baby needs stimulation, tummy time. Baby will be or should be hitting the next milestones very soon such as starting to sit unassisted and then starting solids, even if just for taste, texture, feel and hand and eye co ordination. These milestones need to be nurtured by giving the child the time to do these things.
If the baby is just lying in his crib for 7/8 hours in the day then he is probably crying more because he is bored or just needs comfort. We as humans are social creatures who crave the comfort of others.
You either need to have serious words with boyfriend, or tell him he needs to get a job so you can afford to have a nanny come over and meet the child's needs because at the moment, you child's basic needs might be being met, but their emotional and developmental needs are not being met in your boyfriends care.
unrulybeep writes:
NTA!!!! So your BF is abusing your baby. There is no such thing as a baby crying for no reason. Not comforting and interacting with the baby will not only affect their development, but it can cause them some serious emotional disregulation problems in the future.
There is tons of research showing that even as babies our bodies remember trauma and being neglected and we begin to carry that into our adolescence and adulthood.
Unfortunately he needs to come around on this issue quick or you’re gonna need to remove both of you from the situation to ensure your baby is raised in as healthy of an environment as is reasonable to expect.