Mom has convo about consent with 10 yo son, Dad says, 'He's too young.' AITA?
When this woman is concerned about her what her husband perceives as "mild behavior," she asks Reddit:
"AITA for having a conversation with my 10 year old son about consent?"
I (32f) My husband (34m) have three kids, 2 teenager girls and a 10 year old boy. Last week, I spotted him on the playground putting his arm around a girl from his class and when I asked him about it he said she was his girlfriend. My husband laughed and told him “don’t break too many hearts.”
I asked my son if he had asked the girl if it was okay before he put his arm around her and he said no. I gently explained to him that he shouldn’t ever touch girls like that without getting their consent first.
He didn’t know what consent meant so I had a mini discussion with him about how it’s not nice to touch people without their permission and asking first means that you know the other person doesn’t mind.
My husband was silent during the entire conversation. My son didn’t seem to be bothered by our small talk (which only lasted a couple of minutes), replied with “okay” and then went to go play his switch.
After he left the room my husband went off on me, saying that I’m making my son sound like a predator in the making, that it’s just innocent playground fun, and that I’m blowing it way out of proportion.
I obviously don’t think my 5th grader is a predator, but I felt like it was important to teach him about the idea of consent from a young age. However, I do have a complicated history when it comes to this subject so maybe that’s clouding my judgment. So, AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
professoryaffle writes:
NTA. Teaching kids about consent early on is really importnat, I think your only mistake was telling him he shouldn't touch girls - it should be applied to anyone, and backed up by you and your husband making sure that you also practice what you preach - e.g. not touching him or his siblings (including hugs / kisses) without their consent, not telling them they have to give their grandma a hug etc.
learning good habits such as asking 'can i put my arm round you?' , 'is it OK if I hug you?' etc lay the foundations for conversations about consent in sexual situations as he gets older. Your husband is wrong to suggest that you're treating him like a predator - on the contrary, you are teaching him how *not* to grow up to be a predator.
topcoat3026 writes:
Not gonna proclaim AH either way. It's just peculiar to me that so many people want to force boys into weirdly procedural inorganic interactions with girls. He's 10 playing with a friend of who just so happens to be of the opposite se%.
Making it weirdly procedural (explicitly asking for consent before any contact of a completely benign nature) really flies in the face of treating boys and girls as equals because it puts up a barrier to the interaction.
The whole consent thing is getting kinda out of hand. Like at what point do we need a 6 page notarized release form before we play tag, or give a friendly hug.
I think we're already seeing the alienating effects on society where a lot of men don't want to interact with women at all because they have to much to loose, which has the follow on effect of isolating women. In no win situations why play at all?
I think it's important that all kids be taught what lies in the range of "normal acceptable interactions", and that if they aren't okay with something regardless of norms they need to make it known and do something about it (Actual empowerment), and that if someone expresses a dislike of something they, did they accept and respect it.
laulex25 writes:
YTA. This is real life. Not some theory. People are capable of gauging the comfort level of their own relationships. This is not so extreme he needed to ask permission. I’m sure you don’t ask your husband his consent to hold his hand. Why should he ask to put his arm around his girlfriend???
This seems more like you wanted to pat yourself in the back for being a good feminist, instead of being rational. Yes talk to him about consent. But to act like he should have ask, is making it out like he did something wrong by not asking. And he didn’t.
It’s so awkward and lame to be asked permission for the simplest things. In fact in school the only guys who would ask permission for simple things like a hug were the creeps.