Mom FORCES 17 yo daughter to share room with 12 yo sister. AITA?
When this mother doesn't know what the right parenting move is, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for forcing my 17 year old to share a room with her 12 year old sister?"
This is mostly about my oldest daughter Maya (17f) and her younger sister Chloe (12f). Maya has never had a room of her own. We had very little money through her childhood, so she slept with us as a baby/ toddler, then shared with our son (15m) from the ages of 3-9 when we started renting a larger 2-bed house.
By the time Maya was 9, it was no longer appropriate to have mixed genders sharing. We moved into a 3-bed house, we gave our son the smallest room in the house, and the girls shared the largest room. It admittedly wasn’t particularly big (definitely no space for a partition wall etc.) but had space for both their beds, drawers, books etc.
Maya was initially frustrated because, when Chloe was 4-6ish, she would throw massive tantrums and scream all night about going to bed, keeping Maya awake, but she has obviously aged out of that and the girls seemed fairly content sharing through Maya’s tween years.
We thought this was a very normal, healthy, situation, especially since my wife shared with her own younger sister until she moved out the house.
By the time Maya was 15, we were in a much better financial position and were able to purchase a house. We could potentially have afforded a larger house (to claify), however, we really liked the house we were already renting, so we bought a house which was absolutely identical around the corner (it’s an ex-council estate so lots of similar houses).
Maya was very excited about the move and had assumed we would buy a house where she could have her own bedroom, and was incredibly angry when she found out we had bought an identical house. She’s now studying for her final exams and is constantly angry and arguing about her lack of privacy/ study space and having to share a room with a “child”.
Her biggest complaints are not being able to have friends stay over, not being allowed to have the lights or her phone on or make noise in the room past her sister’s bedtime (8.30 on school nights), and Chloe going through her drawers and things (which we have absolutely warned Chloe not to do).
We do think these are valid complaints but Maya just does not seem to want to understand that her brother and sister can’t share, and we can’t conjure up a fourth bedroom. She’ll be going away for university next year and this won’t be so much of an issue anyway.
This week, Maya got so frustrated with Chloe rooting through her clothes drawer that she threw a glass of water in her face, screamed at us that she hates us and we’re terrible parents, and left the house for hours to just roam the streets.
This broke our heart, but we don’t think we’re actually doing anything wrong by denying her her own bedroom. We thought this was a common situation for siblings, but Maya claims she’s the only person in her year who has to share and it’s embarrassing. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
bobody4290 writes:
YTA. So you could have purchased a bigger home with rooms to accommodate the kids but you chose not to for some reason? I’m not surprised she’s kissed. How about you and your husband share the room with Chloe?
southnegotiaton0 writes:
ESH. “We” loved our rental and bought a house just like it means “you” loved it. Maya clearly did not, and was not involved in the decision. Past a certain age, humans need privacy and alone time. But at this point, you’ve bought the house, and it’s not likely you’ll move, so the situation is not going to change.
Maya is being a regular teenager, where anything that isn’t what she wants isn’t “fair,” and the world owes her her way. If it wasn’t the room, it’d be the fact that she can’t use your car or have her boyfriend over or buy the clothes she wants. Learning that everything won’t always go your way is a hard lesson, and she’s got to learn it.
But. You still need to show her that her feelings matter to you, and that she’s heard. Perhaps Chloe can sleep in your room once a week so Maya can have friends over. Perhaps Chloe or your son can go stay with friends from time to time and create space for Maya to be alone.
Some kind of gesture that says, “You’re not crazy for wanting a bit of privacy, and the situation is not ideal, but we’ll work with you to make it a bit better” is an important step on the road to having an adult relationship with your daughter.
ladycass9 writes:
NTA. You can't expect a 17 year old to understand that buying a larger house to accommodate her privacy is not how you are going to structure your lives. Honestly, with a 15 and 17 year old, in just a few years, 3 bedrooms will be a bit excessive.
Just highlight that you understand how she feels and emphasize that in a year or 2 she'll be going out on her own and have more control over her living situation. Your younger daughter should face consequences for going into her sister's things.