'AITA for refusing to change my daughter's clothes at a birthday party?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to change my daughter's clothes at a birthday party?"

I (34F) have two kids (8M & 4F). My daughter's name is Aurora. My husband (36M) and I chose that name because it was slightly similar to my late FIL's, and worked well with our last names.

It had nothing to do with the princess from Sleeping Beauty. In spite of that, we've had fun with that movie in the past, and ever since my daughter realized that she shared names with a Disney character, Princess Aurora has been her favorite.

Our family went to Disney World in July, and while there, we bought my daughter a Princess Aurora costume. She adores it, and wears it whenever she has the chance.

Two weeks ago, one of Aurora's friends from school threw a princess-themed birthday party. She encouraged her friends to wear costumes. My daughter wanted to go as her favorite character, which didn't surprise me at all.

When we got to the party, the birthday girl came to greet my daughter, and she was also dressed as Princess Aurora. I didn't know what her costume was going to be prior to the party.

I got worried for a second, but the birthday girl was actually really excited. She said that they looked like twins. It was adorable. They ran off to play and I forgot about the costumes for a while.

About 30 minutes into the party, I was at a table with some of the other moms when the birthday girl's mother came up to me. She asked if I had brought any spare clothes for Aurora. I said yes (I always bring an extra shirt and shorts for her). She then asked me to change my daughter into the spare clothes and out of her costume.

The mother explained that she'd hired a photographer to walk around taking pictures of the kids, and was also planning on getting a group photo near the end of the party.

She didn't want anyone wearing the same costume as her daughter in these pictures. She also thought her daughter might get jealous, since my kid gets to share her name with their favorite princess.

Now, if the birthday girl was the one who had a problem, I might've considered changing Aurora into her spare clothes. But no, she was genuinely excited they were dressed the same. It also didn't feel fair to force my daughter to be the only one without a costume in a party full of children in princess dresses.

I said no and explained my reasoning to the girl's mom. She insisted for a few minutes, but I held my ground. Some of the other moms started to back me up, and she eventually got up and left.

When I went to pick up my kids earlier this week, I ran into her friend's mom. She accused me of ruining her daughter's party by allowing Aurora to wear the same costume as her. She told me she doesn't think she'll ever be able to look at the pictures without being disgusted by my behavior.

I thought she was exaggerating, but I'm starting to doubt myself. Our conflict has found its way to the mom group chat we're both in, and opinions over there are divided. Some think having two girls wear the same costume is no big deal, others think I should have changed my daughter's clothes. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought.

acetrainer writes:

NTA for two reasons, 1. You didn't know about the mom not wanting anyone dressed as the same princess as the birthday girl and 2. The birthday girl was excited that they were dressed similar.

If the invite had said "please make sure you kid isn't dressed as sleeping beauty" or if the birthday girl was upset you would have been the asshole, but because neither of those things were true you were not the asshole in this situation.

iamirene writes:

Oh. You have got to be kidding. You are really NTA here. That mom...what a piece of work!! Jealous that a 4 year old is going to outshine her precious? Gross. Gross and terrible behavior on her part, she should be ashamed.'

I think it's adorable the birthday girl was so excited that another "Aurora" showed up! Good job standing your ground. NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER, lol. That mom has some issues she needs to sort out, lol. Wow.

antiquead4413 writes:

NTA, did the friend's mother really think that your daughter who shares a name with that princess would actually not come as that princess. The mom has main character issues for her daughter.

You can't tell me in a group of four year old girls there was only two girls dressed the same in a Disney princess party. There's the stock 4 or 5 that everyone picks and then some of the new ones.

It's a four year old party get over it you did not ruin it and if the mother can't look at that picture and not get upset because she didn't boss you around and you held your ground then that's her issues.

Later OP came back with this update:

Hey everyone! Thank you for assuring me that I did the right thing. This might get a little long. Since my post on Thursday (two days after the mom group started debating), three things happened:

1- On Friday, my husband went to pick up the kids. The parents of one of my son's friends (who have a younger son in my daughter's class) asked if he knew about the costume fiasco (or as my friends are calling it, "AuroraGate").

I had told him everything. He said the birthday girl's mother was being ridiculous, as I had no idea what her daughter's costume would be. The mom he was talking to asked, "Wait, she didn't know?"

She called me, and I told her my side. Turns out BG's mom told people that I had been informed about the costume (and to avoid dressing Aurora the same) weeks prior to the party. The story was warped before it even got to the group chat.

My side of the story made it to the group chat. After some pressure, BG's mom eventually confessed she'd lied about me. Most of the other moms had apologized to me by Sunday.

2- Also apologizing to us on Sunday were BG's father and maternal grandmother (she's visiting them for a few weeks).

Apparently, BG's mom had been complaining about the party almost daily.

Since they got the photos back, BG's mom has been insisting that "there isn't a single good picture of her daughter without another girl wearing the same costume" (Aurora and BG were playing together most of the party). She was especially upset about the group photo, which shows BG in the center and my daughter to her right. There are two girls between them, but she still thinks they're too close to each other.

BG's dad had been listening to these complaints since the party. He told us that unless his daughter was in the room, he couldn't look at the pictures without his wife making a comment about me, my daughter or how we "ruined BG's birthday."

It came to a head on Saturday. While talking with the grandmother after BG went to bed, the mother said she no longer wanted to make a photo album of the party. They'd gotten a photographer for both album and social media purposes.

Both BG's dad and her grandmother wanted the album. The three had a fight that lasted about 15 minutes before the grandmother told BG's mom to "stop obsessing over her daughter's friend". She said all that matters is that BG had fun, and all of the photos reflect that.

They told us all that when they called to apologize. They wanted BG's mom to apologize too. She hasn't.

3- Aurora came home from school yesterday wearing a headband with her name and a rose embroidered on it. BG had her grandmother make it for her. Me and my husband are still in contact with the birthday girl's father, and we're trying to set up a playdate for the girls next week.

Also, there are some things I want to clarify about my previous post:

• My daughter and the birthday girl aren't physically similar. Aurora has wavy brown hair, BG has straight blonde hair. We're all caucasian, but my daughter is more tan.

• Their dresses weren't the exact same. I posted the links to my daughter's costume and one that's similar to the birthday girl's dress in a comment on my last post.

• The party was held at a kids party venue, not the birthday girl's place.

• There were 19 girls and a toddler at the party. All were in costume.

• There were a few boys, but they were older (I'm guessing they were related to the birthday girl).

• I was never friends with the birthday girl's mom. Her request at the party was probably the third time we ever talked, and the first that wasn't about the weather.

• The birthday girl's mother didn't want me to change my daughter's clothes just for the group photo at the end, she wanted me to change her 30 minutes into the party for ALL the pictures.

• I mentioned in a comment that if the birthday girl had a problem with my daughter's costume, I might be willing to drive home, change Aurora into her Merida dress (her second favorite) and then return to the party.

But I want to stress I'd only do that if the birthday girl was upset when we got to the party, not if her mother was annoyed half an hour later. By then, my daughter was already playing with BG and her friends.

• To those who said I could change Aurora at the party and/or use this as a teaching moment, I'm going to assume you've never met a 4yo. My daughter is kind-hearted and would definitely do it to make her friend happy, but she'd still view this as punishment.

It's also cruel to take a child away from a party and tell them they can no longer play princess with their friends. I refuse to alienate or upset my daughter when she's done nothing wrong. I absolutely don't regret my decision.

And that's it. Once again, thank you all!