Mom refuses to tell sons' homophobic grandparents which is theirs 'biologically.' AITA?

There's nothing quite like being plunged in between a close friend and their parents.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for not telling her son's grandparents which of her kids is biologically related to them. She wrote:

"AITA for refusing to tell my son’s grandparents which of my children is their grandson?"

I know this sounds absolutely insane, so bear with me. I (38F) have an unusual domestic situation. My best friend for my entire life has been Adam (38M). We’ve known each other since we were babies. Adam is gay. I was the first person he came out to and he was my roommate for a long time after his parents found out and things got ugly.

He married his husband John (39M) who was also a close college friend of ours, so we’ve all been tight for a long time. I’ve decided that I’m not the marrying type, but I did want to have children and Adam and John also wanted a family, so we decided to kill two birds with one stone. We have two sons (6, 8), both of which are biologically mine, and Adam and John are each the bio father of one of the boys.

It’s worked out way better than we could ever have hoped. This year we decided to go in together on a bigger house and live together. The boys are getting to the age that they could do with their own rooms and all of us adults have been roommates before so we know we live well together, plus it would simplify things a lot. The boys love us all being in the same house and it’s a good arrangement for everyone.

Adam has been talking to his parents for the last couple of years and they are trying to repair the relationship. He has been feeling positive about it. He asked and we all agreed that they could come visit the Saturday after Thanksgiving and meet the boys. Adam had already explained the living situation.

Because we always thought of the kids as all of ours and the kids call us all their parents, it didn’t really occur to me that the bio-parentage would be an issue for Adam’s parents. Things were okay and everyone was behaving until we put the kids to bed. I went to my room to give the others some space to talk. I heard Adam raise his voice a little, but decided not to get involved.

Not long after, his mom knocked on my door and asked to talk. It boiled down to she and her husband wanted to know which of the boys was their grandson. They both favor me right now more than Adam and John, so it’s not obvious. I had a suspicion that something was up so I told her that she needed to talk to Adam and John about it.

They refused to answer the question because both boys are their children, so she wanted me to. It turned into a really uncomfortable situation, Adam and his dad aren’t speaking, and I’ve gotten some messages from his mom trying to backtrack but also press for info at the same time.

A friend of mine said that while it was smart to not disclose without consulting Adam and John, we’re delving into AH territory by refusing to explain the bio relationships involved and it’s not wrong for the grandparents to want to know especially since John’s parents know.

They only know because they were very involved with helping us with the pregnancies and when the boys were tiny since my parents are passed on, however. AITA?

The internet had plenty to say.

MaIngallsisaracist wrote:

NTA. Both boys are their son's children, so both boys are their grandchildren. Do not let the grandparents be alone with either boy. They seem like the type to do a quick swab DNA test. And please, with your unusual arrangement (which sounds great), make sure ALL of your legal ducks are in order in case one or more of you dies or if Adam and John divorce.

And OP responded:

Oh, we made sure of that. John’s dad is a lawyer and helped us find a specialist who could get everything locked down as tight as possible in case the worst happens.

BriefHorror wrote:

NTA both boys are the grandkids. That friend of yours is not your friend and I would not be surprised if his parents abruptly stop "asking" (demanding) and start to favor one kid. They aren't their kids those are your children and your friends kids All three of you are the parents and the overstepping stops now or they get revoked from your lives.

Penelope_2023 wrote:

NTA. Consider them like in-laws. They are Adam’s problem not yours. Unless they hurt your boys then go lioness on them. They will no doubt favor the one child who is biologically related to them. This will hurt your kids relationship. And beware of leaving them alone with them. One quick swab and ancestry.com will tell them.

BlueGreen_1956 wrote:

NTA. Both boys are their grandchildren and if they think anything else, I would have nothing to do with them. How hard is it to love a child? If Adam's parents had not been AHs when he came out, my opinion might be different. They chose ignorance and anger. Tough cheese.

EvenSpoonier wrote:

NTA. This is a clear-cut attempt to establish which kid it's okay to abuse. Let them know that until they are ready to accept both -which includes never knowing, because they have demonstrated that they cannot be trusted with this information- they will not be seeing either grandchild, because neither one is safe around them.

OP is NTA here, she's doing the right thing by towing a line.