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Mom refuses to give estranged daughter a kidney because of their 'history.' AITA?

Mom refuses to give estranged daughter a kidney because of their 'history.' AITA?


When this mom feels pressured by her daughter, she asks Reddit:

"AITA for refusing to give my daughter a kidney because she said she doesn't care if I'm scared?"

My (38F) daughter (21F) is suffering from kidney failure. We have been estranged for 3 years, and it was due mainly to the fact that she was taking her health issues, as well as her fights with her dad (38M) and stepmom (31F) out on me.

I spent hundreds of my husband " Ethan" (49M) and I's money on making therapy for my daughter but she has remained bitter and difficult.

Ethan and I have 2 kids ( 9M and 11M). I had to give up quite a bit in terms of career prospects due to my first pregnancy. My parents also disowned me. But then Ethan helped me get a degree in accounting, and also a real estate license.

I have connections from Ethan that are helping me do nearly six figures in real estate commissions and I just joined an accounting firm that hired me based on the client connections I have from Ethan.

Now I am working 50 hour weeks but love it because I am finally earning six figures and Ethan's business is also at a place where he can work at home. My daughter at this point was mostly low contact since she turned 18 but now she's back because she needs a kidney.

I made the mistake of letting friends know about her situation and everybody I know from my mommy groups from when my daughter was born started dogpiling on me saying " You gotta do this ' mama''" and like I'd be held down to get my kidney.

Because of this pressure, despite Ethan saying no, I went to the doctor and found out I was a match. I tried to reach out to my daughter's dad to see if he's a match but her stepmom had apparently already called her screaming that her dad was the provider for her and 3 kids so how dare she ask this of a father.

My ex said that his duty was obviously to his wife and minor kids so no testing for him.

And so he and everybody else just want it to be my kidney. I tried to communicate to my daughter that I'm afraid of surgery- I was too new to take that much time from work so I'd likely be working while in pain. She replied asking " Doesn't Ethan make a lot of money?" I told her again how risky surgery was and she said, echoing my friends " I don't care- this isn't about you."

I was so furious from that conversation that when I went to see the doctor and the doctor asked if somebody was coercing me I told him that at this point I'd rather die than continue to serve my ungrateful rude daughter. I said I indeed felt coerced and if I did it, I'd probably have burning resentment towards the recipient, and the doctors if I woke up in pain.

The doctor immediately said I am therefore not a compatible donor and that I should never feel like I'm a prisoner. I told my friends and Ethan this and while Ethan just asked if I was ok and that the boys and him need me, my friends were furious and tried to shame me online with " what kind of mother posts."

They are insisting I go back and say I was lying and I've changed my mind. To sign something showing I wasn't coerced and get it notarized if it's what it takes. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought.

pugapoo writes:

YTA. Do you think she isn’t scared? 21 yo and facing a deadly disease. It’s obvious that you resent her for being born and holding you back. It is not her fault. You,unless assaulted,chose the behavior that created her.

Your parents suck,but it’s not her fault. You spent money for her therapy,what about your therapy? Sounds like nobody cares about this young woman. No wonder she is angry.

chaoticgood7 writes:

ESH not bc you don’t want to give a kidney but bc this poor girl seems to have two parents that could not give a fuck about her. You seriously blamed her for your job prospects being low instead of your own choices to be a teen parent.

Sounds like stepmommy hates your child bc she isn’t a bio kid. At 21 it’s no wonder she has issues. Poor girl. Hopefully she wakes up and finds a life away from the lot of you.

beneficialbreath6 writes:

NTA. No one should be coerced to give an organ. Same logic than abortion. Your body, your baby/surgery, your choice. Plus now the doctor has marked you as uncompatibled/coerce, I don't think you will be able to give a kidney, even if you cave in and change your mind.

Plus your daughter is also very ungrateful for the sacrifice you would be making for her, and seems very entitled to have your kidney, without giving you anything in exchange, even the bare minium of respect.

You also have 2 kids you need to provide for. Stepmom can get a job to help her husband to provide for the familly too, I suppose she also have 2 hands and 2 legs to go around and work.

Looks like the jury's out. What do YOU think?

Sources: Reddit
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