When this mom is hurt when her grown kids take their father's side, she asks Reddit:
I’ll start at the beginning, my ex husband was a good father but a terrible husband. I divorced him when my oldest was 14 and youngest was 10. Well he ended up spiraling and the kids were exposed to that. I was blamed for ruining dad.
He got better after a few years but ending up doing it again when he learned I was dating. So the kids kept trying to get me not to date since it will affect their dad. It was an awful time since to the kids I was still responsible for what he did and reacted to things.
In the end I just kept my dating on the low end which wasn’t hard since it wasn’t introducing the kids to the men anyways. All I had to change was not posting on social media. Also yes I sent the kids to therapy. They all stopped when they hit 18 or my middle child refused to talk so I pulled him.
The oldest is now 25 and youngest is 21 and I got proposed too. I sat them down and told them, they were not happy and were pissed I was doing this to dad. Lots of talked later and I thought it was good. The wedding is in two weeks.
I got a text from all the kids saying they will not be at my wedding, that they need to support dad during this time. I had enough and texted them that if they do not go to my wedding it will damage our relationship and I will not be attending there own weddings when they get married.
They were pissed and it started an argument and all of them think I am huge jerk. I truly hate that I can’t do anything that makes me happy since it will affect my ex. Sorry for errors on phone and not native speaker.
NTA. They are adults now and should realize that you are under no obligation to stay single to appease your ex. They are not the only people who have had parents divorce and yet it seems like they can’t get over it.
And if after all this time your ex is still emotionally impacted by your personal life, then he needs to get on with his life and get help because it is not healthy. Also assuming that they want you to go to their weddings in the future are they expecting you to go solo and not bring your husband?
Your kids are absolutely ridiculous from the divorce and up to now. Your relationship with your ex-husband is exactly that, your relationship. The kids have no business getting involved in adult situations. And now that they are grown, they are continuing with that selfish behavior.
I guess they expect you to be single for the rest of your life, and continue to be manipulated by their father, and now them that they are adults. I would have given them an ultimatum a long time ago, telling them to grow the hell up or move along. if you continue to bow to them now, you will be doing it for the rest of your life and I guarantee you it will ruin the marriage You are about to enter. NTA.
ESH to some degree. Agree with others that you giving them an ultimatum sucks, and was not a good way to handle the situation. You say that you haven't told them the reason for your divorce?
Your kids are in their twenties now, they are definitely old enough to hear the truth and, as Carl Sagan said, "If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be," -- with "it" in this circumstance being their image of their father. If there are good reasons they shouldn't be taking his side, now is the time to be honest with them.
The kids suck for taking his side consistently over yours. It's been 10 years; they're grown adults who should be able to look at the situation more maturely and it's not normal for them to expect you to NEVER move on or date or be happy, or to think they need to continue to baby their father this long after the divorce.
The dad DEFINITELY sucks. Even if he was upset by the divorce or by you dating, it is totally messed up of him to let the kids see him react so dramatically instead of getting therapy and/or moving on like an adult. This sounds like straight up manipulation, and it had clearly worked for a very long time.
Update: I realized I am okay letting them go, I can’t do it anymore. I sent a texts it is up to them if they go or not. If they do go I have hope to fix this relationship if not I’m just done. I can’t keep playing this game. It’s for everything, anytime I have something good his feelings have to come first.
I can’t do that anymore it hurts to much. I could tell them everything he has done but I don’t feel like blowing up their image of him.
Update2: someone private messaging me convinced me to lay it all out for them, so I did. Well I got my response, they called me a liar. Even with showing old screenshot that were in our divorce case. I think it is over. Thanks for everyone that tried to help. I known this was a no win situation.