Mom sends sick daughter to live with MIL; says, 'Now she only spends time with her dad.'
'AITA for including both of my daughters?'
My husband and I have 2 daughters Jenny 14 and Tara 15. Tara was extremely sick. I won't get into details for privacy but we went through hell. For 2 years I had to be in the hospital all the time and my husband had to work 2 jobs to be able to pay for the hospital
We decided that the best thing to do for Jenny would be to send her to live with my MIL who lives in another city. She is the only close family we have. We were trying to give Jenny a normal life otherwise she would spend all her time in a hospital like us.
Now that Tara is better, things are a lot better and we asked Jenny to come back home and she was glad to do so however she only ever spends time with her dad, never with me or Tara and she never says why she doesn't want to spend time with us. Not just that she also actively bullies Tara any chance she gets.
Last night her dad managed to convince her to go out to dinner with me. Tara and I got ready and we were waiting for Jenny. She came out of her room and saw us there, turned to my husband and said she changed her mind and went back to her room. I followed her and asked what's wrong. She started screaming at me asking me if I have to include Tara in everything.
She accused me of not enjoying spending my time with her and 'bringing Tara so that I could spend time with Tara and pretend to like Jenny.' I told her that's not true and I was just trying to have a girls night with both of my daughters but she screamed at me to get out and called me an asshole and other names.
Here's what people had to say:
Expert-Aardvark7419 asks:
INFO How long was Jenny living away from the nuclear family? Did anyone visit Jenny whilst she was at your MIL’s?
ToeIndependent5129 OP responded:
We couldn't but we called regularly.
amish__ says:
Tell us the last thing half decent you did with Jenny ALONE... and no I don't mean dropping her off at her friends.
ToeIndependent5129 OP responded:
She won't do anything with me. Unless you think I should force her in a room and lock the doors to stop her from going out I don't see how I could do anything with her when she doesn't want to do anything. She won't even let me drop her at a friend's home.
Admirable-Disaster03 writes:
She wanted dinner with you. She wanted one on one time with you. You got the chance, and you blew it monumentally. Is it maybe that dad now spends one on one time with her, without including Tara in everything?
BeckyW77 writes:
But you're fine with neglecting Jenny for 2 years. YTA.
greatgatsby26 writes:
You're being disingenuous. She agreed to have dinner with you when she thought it would be just the two of you. YOU ruined that opportunity to reconnect when you insisted on including Tara.
ToeIndependent5129 OP responded:
She agreed because my husband bribed her by promising a new video game she wants. I can imagine how it would go. She would put on her headphones and be on her phone the entire time
ToeIndependent5129 OP responded:
I was the better parent. I called her more. I tried harder to be in her life. But this is how I get treated.
Alyssa_Hargreaves writes:
YTA.. You sent her AWAY. You did. You put everything into one daughter and the other was sent away without a thought.
Now you expect her to be fine with you? With Tara? In her eyes Tara is the main reason why she didn't get a family for two years. How often did you visit? Spend time with Jenny when she was sent to a TOTALLY DIFFERENT CITY. The poor girl even had to switch schools for two years.
ToeIndependent5129 writes:
You say it like it was all me. My husband did it too. But she is fine with him. I'm the only one to blame right? I mean of course she is not going to blame her dad when all he does is buy her whatever she wants and do whatever she says but whatever I do is wrong.
RndmIntrntStranger asks:
Was Jenny promised dinner with just dad and then had Tara sprung on her in this case? no. Jenny was promised dinner with just you and then had Tara sprung on her.
ToeIndependent5129 OP responded:
It was not specified. She was just promised a dinner.
JegHaderStatistik writes:
In this instance, YTA. Obviously Jenny shouldnt bully Tara, but shes 14 and she needs her mom too, and it sounds like you have had a lot of your focus on Tara. As shes 14, i bet she doesnt know how to articulate her needs, but in this case, it was quite obvious. She clearly expected it was a dinner between just the two of you so you shouldnt have included Tara.
Limerase writes:
My heart breaks for her. She hasn't had her mom, period, let alone to herself in literal years. YTA OP
Responses to comments from OP:
It's clear that none of you ever had to look after a sick child. You keep asking me why I didn't visit as if I could just leave her alone (yes, alone, because my husband was at work all the time) how could I do that? I did everything I could. I called Jenny almost every day and I tried to be involved in her life as much as possible.
Now she is trying to make sure Tara is neglected and I should just do it? Tara was sick for 2 years, she is finally starting to have a normal life and I should just neglect her like her dad? And what is the point really? Talking from experience, Jenny would be on her phone ignoring me the entire time, this way at least I had someone to talk to when Jenny was so busy ignoring me.
I love her, I know she is just a kid but I expected her to be a bit more mature than this. I'm just so tired of everything.
Minor update from OP:
I'll talk to Jenny and plan to get dinner just the 2 of us another night and see if she is willing, however I will never give in to all her demands and neglect Tara because of her which is what my husband is doing.