"AITA for insisting my son cook dinner once a week?"
I (43F) have 2 sons, Adam (17) and James (15). Adam showed an interest in cooking from a young age and is very talented. He makes dinner for the family 2-3x a week because he enjoys it and it gives him an opportunity to try new recipes. I generally cook the rest of the time, unless it’s summer and my husband insists on grilling every day.
James was not particularly interested in learning to cook. I did try to teach him the kitchen basics and he can make himself a sandwich and simple things but he’d rather grab an apple than make himself a meal. A few months back, James began asking Adam in the afternoons to make him a snack (something homemade) and sometimes he’ll do it if he’s in the mood.
But more often than not, he’s bothered by the daily requests.I asked James why he can’t make a sandwich or have a snack (we always have things like hummus, yogurt, pita, sliced veggies, salsa and chips, I make baked goods often…a good array of decent snacks). He could make a smoothie, there’s always frozen fruit. But he said Adam is just better at it and he doesn’t know how to make it as good.
I felt this was a sign I had dropped the ball so I decided that James would take over making the family dinner once a week. It didn’t have to be fancy but it had to be at least somewhat balanced and filling (for example - yesterday, he made grilled cheese sandwiches, a salad, and tomato soup, with a side of cut strawberries. A very simple but good meal.
Packaged soups and things are fine as long as that’s not all. I help him with the meal planning and then I would work at the dining room table nearby in case he needed help. He hasn’t enjoyed this but I’ve still kept on it because it’s a really important life skill. Feeding yourself isn’t optional.
He’s been complaining to my mother (his grandma) and she’s been calling me to tell me I’ve let a “punishment” go on too long. But it’s not meant to be that, it’s life skill training and I was very clear with James that this was a permanent change, not a temporary punishment. But she made me feel like an absolutely terrible mother forcing “unpleasant chores“ on my children.
I tried to point out that my own brother is a grown man who lives on takeout because she never taught him to cook and I didn’t want that to be James one day. She hung up on me. My husband is in full support of our new routine but still, nothing takes you down a peg like being yelled at by your mother so I’m looking for some other opinions. Is it really that bad?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA but your son clearly missed some lessons about contributing to the household. When was the last time your husband made dinner consistently?
itsjustonemeal OP responded:
3-4x a week in the summer, sometimes more. almost never in the winter. He gets home between 6:30-7pm and it’s one thing when it’s hot out - he preps the protein before leaving in the for work and then it’s just a matter of tossing it on the grill with veggies and I make a pasta salad or baked potatoes. He usually makes another salad. It’s still light outside, starting to cool off and no one minds eating a bit later.
But it doesn’t work out that well during the rest of the year. We’re all ready to eat as soon as he walks in the door during the colder months so I usually take care of dinner unless Adam has a plan. He’s the weekend brunch guy year round though so he does get turns.
ThisIsTheCaptain wrote:
NTA. This is an important life skill not enough people have and knowing how to do these things will allow him to put together cheap, healthy meals when he's living on his own instead of wasting his little money on DoorDash. If he wants to see it as a "chore," that's fine.
Teaching kids how to pick up after themselves, do yard work, sew their own clothes (as in patch them... hole, repair zippers, etc - though hell, the full enchilada isn't a bad idea, either!), and half a billion other "chores" are ALL valuable things to know how to do in life.
Unless he's planning on living with you or Adam for the rest of his life, these are things he SHOULD know how to do and you're reinforcing that. I think what you're doing is great!
Subject_Dish_873 wrote:
NTA. You're helping James develop an important life skill and teaching him that weaponized incompetence is not acceptable. When he grows up and has a partner, they'll be very glad that you taught him this lesson.
karenrn64 wrote:
NTA- she yelled at you as a defense mechanism because SHE dropped the ball by not teaching your brother to cook. I taught my kids as teens to do laundry and when he got to college, my son thanked me because he was the only one in his dorm who knew how to do it.
HeddyL2627 wrote:
NTA. You’re teaching him an invaluable life skill. Does he prefer savory snacks? Or sweets? Or breakfast? Now that he has some experience, I’d branch out into something he prefers, like making pancakes or eggs on Sunday morning. Or teach him to make pizza or brownies.