When this woman feels like she needs to go behind her husband's back to make a fertility decision, she asks Reddit:
My (28f) husband (28m) grew up with a big family and has always wanted to have at least 4 kids. We currently have 3 kids 6m, 4m, and 2f and he's been dropping hints lately about wanting to try for another.
But I don't want anymore kids, 1st was a C-section due to issues dilating, 2nd was hoping for a VBAC but ended up being an emergency C-section and I almost died, 3rd was a scheduled C-section.
I was told if I have anymore kids it would have to be a vertical cut and more risky since I have already had 3 C-sections and have a lot of scar tissue. He is a stay at home dad and I work, but I still do all of the doctors appointments, the majority of the housework, the budgeting and planning, extra curriculars, ECT.
Our older 2 are both special needs and I am feeling so burnt out. I don't know if I can mentally handle having another kid. With the mental stress plus the added danger of having a 4th I've been thinking hard about having my tubes tied and just not telling him (yes my OB will do it without my husband's permission).
I have talked about it to him in the past and he has kept saying he wants another and I have talked about my concerns but it doesn't seem to have any effect on him. WIBTA if I just got it done and didn't tell him?
I was my mom's 5th kid (6th pregnancy) in 8 years. Doctor gave my dad a stern talking-to about how he was going to be a single dad of 5 if he got her pregnant again. That put him off for 4 years--he got her pregnant when I was in kindergarten to keep her home. This was in the 1960s.
Your husband is worse--he's a SAHD who wants you to have a kid every 2 years so he can justify staying home while letting you work AND do most of the chores.
You don't have to ask his permission BEFORE the procedure, but I agree with other commenters that he has a right to know afterwards. If he's anything like my father, he will try to get you pregnant immediately if you tell him you want a tubal ligation.
Look… YWBTA if you don’t tell him. Yes, you should have full autonomy over your reproductive rights, however, he should also have a say in whether he wants to stay if there isn’t a chance to have any more children.
I feel like there are more issues in the relationship tbh because as a stay at home dad he should be doing most of the housework/childcare to make this set up equitable. However?
You cannot deprive him of knowing you are done with children. You need to tell him you ARE getting your tubes tied regardless of his wishes. You cannot expect him to stay if you do want to get your tubes tied.
ESH, though I have sympathy for you. If you're already stressed and burnt out, I can see why you don't want to fight with him.
But regardless, this isn't an easy way to handle it (trying to have a major, invasive procedure secretly -to avoid firmly telling him, that you don't want another child). Indeed, the procedure can take weeks to recover from. Do you really think you can hide that from him?
Or what would happen if he thinks you are both 'trying' for a baby - but it doesn't happen? Would he insist on fertility tests, etc.? How long could you then hide the truth for? Trying for another child requires two 'yeses'. If one partner says 'no', that needs to be accepted by the other partner.
So regardless of whether he 'understands' or 'accepts' your reasons, you'd be better insisting it just isn't going to happen.
You need to just repeat how physically damaging it is to you; how you can't take any more stress currently, etc. - and firmly tell him 'no'. It's your body, your choice. He's being selfish by dismissing the impact on you. Maybe he needs to wake up to that.
And whether he knows about the procedure or not - there's obviously no question you should be able to get your tubes tied (IF you're absolutely sure you want to end your fertility permanently).
But do they require counselling, before you can have it? It's worth just checking you are definitely comfortable being permanently sterile - and it's not a choice you are rushing into, because you're feeling pressured into another child by your husband.
If you're happy to stay on birth control, you could even do that secretly (though it's far better to tell him - definitively- that you just don't want another kid. Major secrets and dishonesty are never healthy in relationships).
That might even be preferable, to putting yourself through a major procedure. If you're sure you want the procedure, go ahead. But it will be very difficult to conceal, as you'll need weeks to recover.