When this mom is annoyed with her daughter, she asks Reddit:
My daughter is in 6th grade, she turns 12 next week. She is well liked and has many friends in her class.
She’s really excited about her birthday, and she told me she wants to have a “cool” birthday this year. In the past, most of her birthday parties have just been at our house with 10-15 people - some of her class friends and also her cousins and grandparents.
She’s changed a lot this year, though. Middle school and all. So anyways, I asked if she wants her birthday party to be at a new laser tag place that opened nearby, and she was really happy.
She’s been planning the color scheme, theme, and decorations enthusiastically, and she even made invitations online that she asked me to print out. I asked her if she wants me to print one for all the girls in her class, and she said she’s inviting everyone except 2 girls.
I asked why and she said she doesn’t like those girls. She said no one really likes them. This bothered me so I pressed her, asking if they’ve ever been unkind to her. She said no, but they have no fashion sense and they’re just generally boring.
I didn’t like the way she was talking, so I said she has to invite them too, if she’s inviting literally every other girl in class. She got upset and said I was being unfair, because it’s her birthday and it’s supposed to be for her.
Thought I’d ask for a second opinion. I just wanted to add- I’ve met a few of my daughter’s “friends”, and they are weirdly competitive and judgmental.
I feel like my daughter has changed a lot since middle school began, and I don’t know how much is because she’s growing into a new phase of life, and how much is because of the other people she spends time with.
So yes, it’s valid to not like someone because you just don’t have much in common, but I don’t think this is why her class doesn’t like these kids. AITA?
YTA and this is coming from someone who was one of those "weird girls" people didn't want to invite.
I was very much into reading, listened to rock music and - which probably was worst - did not give a F about the latest trends, fashion and celebreties.
I also did not like "cool" activities (my youth was way before lasertag became a thing but think bowling and stuff) since it usually inculded a lot of team building and social interactions. I just had very little in common with most girls my age.
What I hated much more than being excluded was receiving a "teachable moment" invite. I could 100% tell if people had to invite me because their parents wanted to teach them a lesson.
And I hated it. If I declined it would cause issues (because sometimes parents would suspect their kids telling me to decline etc.) but if I went I would feel that nobody really wanted me there in the first place every minute.
Teach your daughter about being inclusive and open-minded and all that but do not simply use people as a "case study" or "punishment". It's just as bad as forcing misbehaved teens to help in a soup kitchen to teach them a lesson by using the homeless.
Those girls will feel that they are not welcome even if your daughter + friends are polite on the surface.
NTA. I don't really subscribe to the idea that at this age all kids must be invited, or all girls, or whatnot, but in this case, I think obviously leaving out just one or two is indeed unfair.
I think that if the party was scaled down, to say like 3-5 girls, it would be ok to exclude the rest, as the size and scale of the party would not be at the level of being essentially the whole class. So consider giving your daughter the choice to add those two girls or scale down the party to fewer friends.
I do appreciate this will feel like you're kind of treading on her autonomy but given her explanation for disliking those girls, it seems like she's just kind of subscribing to a group think mentality against these girls for no real reason, and is playing a BIT of a 'mean girl' role for them. This is an important lesson for her.
ESH. Your daughter sucks for excluding 2 people and being rude purely due to fashion sense. But you suck because her birthday is not the time or place to force this on her.
Talk to her about trying to be nice, trying to find things in common. Someone doesn't need to be mean to you for you not to get on, you may just have nothing in common, but calling them boring and insulting their style was rude and she should be taught that that's rude.