Mom tells husband to stop grilling son's friend when she speaks Spanish, he lashes out.
When you live with a partner and raise kids with them, there are a million small things you negotiate together. While the big topics like where you live, where your kid goes to school, and what religious or spiritual beliefs you follow might seem like they'd be the major points of contention, it's often the small petty disagreements that add up and create tension.
In many cases, the best way to get perspective is to poll people fully outside the dynamic. Oftentimes, the internet is perfect for this purpose.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for asking her husband to stop grilling their son's friend about her Spanish.
She wrote:
AITA for making a big deal about a twelve-year-old's opinion?
My youngest son made a new friend last year, and now that it's summer they've been having play dates. Her parents both work, so she usually comes over here. She's Hispanic and she sometimes says things in Spanish. Whenever she says anything in Spanish my husband will ask her what she said, even if she's in an entirely different room.
Like yesterday, I was in the living room watching them play, and my husband was in the kitchen. She said something in Spanish, and he came out of the kitchen and asked her to repeat herself and explain the translation. I felt so embarrassed. She looked confused, and it was just so awkward. She wasn't talking to him, why does it matter?
I told him today that I would like him to stop, and he looked at me like I was crazy. He said we should know what the kids are saying in our house. I said it was embarrassing, and he asked me if I was seriously worried about what a twelve-year-old thought of us? I came away from the conversation feeling really stupid.
I know it's a harmless question, and I shouldn't make such a big deal about it, but I often feel embarrassed in awkward situations, and it always feels so awkward when he does this. Am I the AH for asking him to stop just because I'm embarrassed even though he did nothing wrong?
The internet was quick to weigh in with their two cents.
Bethsmom05 wrote:
NTA. Your husband is being a bully.
Mobius_Stripping had a clarifying question:
NTA that is super weird and controlling behavior on the part of your husband toward a child that isn’t his…
Also, is your child learning Spanish? Or is the friend talking to themselves?
OP was quick to respond:
They are usually just short phrases, occasionally a sentence. I think he has figured out some of the words she uses often. She calls our dog something like paritoe tantoe (no clue how it's actually spelled) which she said means silly dog.
LavishnessJolly9193 wrote:
NTA does your kid speak Spanish? What does he think she is saying, they’re kids. It comes off a little “this is ‘Merica so speak English!”
Rohini_rambles wrote:
So to recap:
- He bullies a child for speaking her native tongue.
- He bullies her even though from context, she isn't being rude or disrespectful. She's just expressing her happy little kid feelings, and he HATES that.
- He bullies and makes YOU feel stupid and embarrassed when you dare to speak up.
So either he's one or more of the following:
Misogynist (and hates on all the females in the house), racist, a bully, gaslighting you into thinking you are misunderstanding what the child is doing.
HE has a problem with the child speaking Spanish but he turns it around to make it seem like YOU are the one who's stupid to feel embarrassed in front of a child. You are only questioning your reaction because your husband turned it around to make you the weirdo here or the bad guy.
I strongly urge you OP to start thinking of other instances where he does this to you...and you end up listening to him and thinking that you were in the wrong to think/feel/believe something.
NTA.
cb1977007 wrote:
I don’t think you actually do care what a 12-year-old thinks of you. I think you care whether a 12-year-old guest is being made to feel uncomfortable in your home. And you’re absolutely right to care about that. And the fact is that she is being made to feel that way. Your husband is rude, a bully, and probably racist. NTA.
OP is certainly NTA in this situation, but her husband is a huge one with some glaring red flags.