Having a newborn is tough, especially when you're trying to figure out your work schedule. When this mom to be is conflicted, she takes to the popular Reddit forum to ask:
40F having baby in March by c section with 42M- first child for both. We agreed I would continue to work and he would take time off to care for the baby.
I don’t want to go into the details but I make a lot more money than he does, by a long way and this was the reason we agreed that he would take the time off and I would continue working. I am planning to go back to work after 3 weeks.
I pay for the house, car, lifestyle because it’s easy for me to do so although he does have some of his own money as he works 2 days a week. He scheduled to see one of his long term clients on a day that I am due to be working when our baby will be 2 months old.
It’s her wedding day, she lives 2-3 hours away and he’s going to do her hair. They have not agreed a price for the hair but she will pay his travel. I think it’s crazy that he’s agreed to go without first agreeing a price. This will leave us without childcare for the day on a day I am set to work.
I set my own schedule and can decide which days I work, but practically speaking it would be difficult for me to move the day I am working because the only option is for me to move it to a day when he is also working.
His solution is to either take the baby to the wedding or ask a friend to look after the baby. His family are in a different country and I only have my mother who is 75 years old and frail.
I don’t want some random friend with mo childcare experience looking after the baby and it’s not a great plan to take the baby to the wedding at that age.
I have said I will cancel my day at work which I am frankly loath to do as it will cost me a lot of money (think 4 digits) and especially since he hasn’t even agreed a price for this client of his.
There is no way it will come anywhere close to my day at work. I’ve also said I can ask my mother to come help for the day but she lives 3 hours away and is frail.
I have suggested a professional nanny and we do have a night nanny coming in 3 nights a week whom I might ask for suggestions if all else fails but he doesn’t like to hire people to help, even though I pay for it.
He doesn’t want to cancel her as she is a long standing client and he can’t let her down on her wedding day. I said 1. You shouldn’t have agreed to do it in the first place, you knew my due date and 2. She’s got plenty of notice to find someone else (end of May).
He’s from a culture where work is very important and it’s very bad to inconvenience other people so he doesn’t want to inconvenience her, but instead he’s inconveniencing me and our 2 month old baby.
I don’t know why he said yes to her request in the first place other than a sense of obligation and desire to maintain autonomy.
This is important to him but if I hadn’t brought it up we would have got to May and I doubt he would have made arrangements himself for there to be childcare available and I would have been the one left to sort it out. This problem has become my problem due to a lack of planning. AITA?
OP is NTA. She will be TWO MONTHS postpartum. MANY moms do not want to be left alone with a new, breast feeding baby, especially when they will (sadly) be back to work. Work trip or not, it wouldn’t be shocking for a new dad to take his own “paternity leave” to help with and bond with his newborn.
But husband apparently comes from a culture where men are providers. I think he may be having some tough feelings about being the homemaker/child rearer.
YTA - the baby isn't even here yet, and you're already disagreeing on work and child care. First, you may not be ready to return to work after 3 weeks, so you should not be packing your schedule right away.
Recovery time for a C-section is considered 8 weeks in the US - that's when you're cleared for full activity. Sure, you CAN work, but you may not feel like it.
Second, if your husband has a long-term client who wants his services for her wedding, you should make every effort to accommodate the request to show that you support his career, since he clearly is supportive of yours.
If it were a new person, with a different kind of request, I could see your point. But it's a long-term client. For her wedding. Finally, you will both be dealing with a newborn. An extra day off for you will not be unappreciated. Reschedule your meeting and hang out with your baby for a day.
I don't think you are the AH for choosing work over your newborn. Actually I don't think you are the AH over any of this.
There has been a breakdown in communication and its something needs work on. He needs to inform you of decisions that affect you.
He's also putting barriers up for you to deal with this which is very unhelpful.