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'My husband feels "bombarded" by the responsibilities of new parenthood. I am so tired.' UPDATED

'My husband feels "bombarded" by the responsibilities of new parenthood. I am so tired.' UPDATED


My husband feels "bombarded"... and I am so tired.

I just need to vent to people that might hear me for once. My husband leaves for work at 7:30a and gets home at 6p. We have a 14 month old son who just started daycare. I work from home full time (and am the breadwinner), but my job is very demanding. I walk my son to daycare (.3 miles from home) each morning when my husband leaves for work, and I pick him up at 4p.

His bedtime is 6p, and he has been so tired from daycare that I have not been able to push him much past that so that my husband can spend time with him at the end of the day. It sucks, but our son's sleep is the most important.

We are all currently sick (again, just started daycare and we all immediately got a cold). Yesterday, my husband called me at 5p while I was feeding my son dinner to tell me he was coming home early, it is a 30 minute drive. I said great, see you soon. Every night, I feed my son dinner at 5p and then we go upstairs for a bath and bedtime after dinner.

My son was especially tired, and about 5:15p started getting really fussy. I took him outside to walk around with me a bit while we waited for his dad to get home. Dad gets home at 5:30p, we greet him, we are happy to see him. We go inside and I tell them I got them coats and such from Costco today, whatever. Our son is so exhausted, he bumps his nose on the floor and gets a nose bleed.

I pick him up and ask my husband "do you want to give him a bath while I start dinner?" His response is "I feel bombarded. I came home early because I do not feel good. I got light headed today at work." I say "Ok, then I will give him a bath." Honestly, rather short but direct, our son needs a bath right now so I will just do it. He then starts following me saying he will give him a bath!

But honestly, I do not want my husband caring for my son when he is in a bad mood. He has a very short temper and our son is 14 months, he tests A LOT of boundaries. I undress our son and start drawing the bath. My husband is standing in the doorway and says "I just need to chug water and I will give him a bath." I say OK.

He then apparently went and chugged water, I did not see him leave because I had our son in the bath and I was trying to get his hair washed before his father took over. (Son doesn't like getting his hair washed and I didn't want it to result in my husband being short with him after such a long day) He then says "do you want me to go start dinner....?"

I say "Sure, that would be great. If you don't mind that would be really helpful." He says "I came home early to spend time with my son so I would like to give him a bath" and I say "Ok, great. I will go start dinner then." I then start dinner, he bathes our son and calls for me to take him out and then he gets into the shower while I dry and dress our son and put him to bed.

When we go downstairs, he says "I am sorry I didn't like the jacket you got me, I appreciate your thought --" And I cut him off and say "I appreciate that, but I am not upset about that. I will return it, no big deal. I am upset you said you felt bombarded when I asked if you wanted to give our son a bath." We then argue because he says this is him expressing his feelings and me "blowing up" at him about it.

Would it kill him to just say "Hey, I am sorry I just need a minute because I had a really long day" or "I would love to give him a bath, but I just need a few minutes to unwind" or ANYTHING. Aside from telling me I am bombarding him? For asking him one question? And like what, did you think you were going to come home at 5:30 and just relax? Knowing it is bath and bedtime?

I am so exhausted. I even apologized for being passive aggressive, owned that I was upset and didn't think I could respond to him following me saying "I will give him a bath" without snapping. And all he wants to do is beat a dead horse. As though 100% of the issue that evening was me not responding after I get told I am bombarding him for asking literally ONE question

(No, he doesn't know the definition of bombarding clearly). I get "I am sorry for saying that but I don't think it's something I should have to apologize for because I was just saying how I felt." Like, that isn't an apology? Might as well just say you don't care about my feelings. Which, fun fact, he doesn't. At all. I am tired. I am so tired.

UPDATE: Wow. Thank you for all the responses. I didn't think this would get as much traction as it did. A lot of you took the time to formulate really thoughtful responses and I am taking those to heart. I have called a couple's counselor and am working on getting us into therapy.

To address a few things that were repeatedly asked/called out in the comments:

- I do not believe my husband would ever hurt me or my son. That being said, he can be short. He does say things without thinking that I do think my son will someday very soon hear and potentially internalize.

I have spoken to him about this and plan to try and address it more directly in therapy. (The example: I usually get up and grab my son when he wakes up but I was in the shower, so he did this one morning. My son was grumpy and my husband said "I get it I shouldn't have even come to get you, I ruined your whole day!"

That just doesn't sit right with me. I am overprotective about his emotional negligence because his dad is literally an evil man who emotionally abused my husband his entire life.

- My husband was a stay at home dad until 5 weeks ago. His work pays for daycare and our family's insurance. I pay for the mortgage, groceries and all bills. The reason I made the breadwinner comment and felt it was relevant is because I am currently sensitive to a situation. We got into a fight over the weekend because when he was a stay at home dad, I expected him to feed our son lunch and also clean up after it.

This was when our son took (2) two hour naps a day. Before daycare started, I had our son home for five days over two weeks completely by myself, while also working. I fed him breakfast, lunch and dinner. He bitched at me about not having dinner cleaned up when he got home. (BTW - I also had dinner cooked for us.)

I explained I feed him dinner at 5, then bathe and bedtime, he gets home at 6 and I haven't even been back downstairs yet. He said this is a double standard because when he was a stay at home dad I expected him to clean up after his lunch. I told him this is not a double standard because I am not a stay at home parent,

I am a full time, working parent who is juggling taking care of our son while working a demanding WFH job. He will DIE on this hill that this is a double standard. He says that by me saying it is apples and oranges (which it is!) that I am insulting him as a stay at home parent and saying it is easy (???).

That is not what I am saying but I am doing literally the same thing AND MORE (because I worked part time in the office, was always there for breakfast, only missed dinner (3) times in eight months) because I also have a full time job.

He is refusing to acknowledge this. I explained he should be happy to clean up dinner because it can be a way he contributes towards our son's care for the day while I care for him while he is at work. He is SO ANGRY about this he packed a bag and threatened divorce. He has still not apologized. It has put me in a place that I feel very used, unappreciated, disregarded. I can't shake it.

- I have spoken to a couple's counselor and we will go to find better ways to communicate because we are both terrible at it.

- I do not need this man. I love him so much, but I will be fine without him caring for our son. If he is unwilling to accept any responsibility towards his anger (Which he has not. Every fight he tells me I am 100% of the problem and he is none.

He tells me couple's therapy isn't fair because then he has to go even though he isn't part of the problem) then I will be divorcing him and hopefully find a way to amicably co-parent. I will not be staying in this relationship long enough for it to emotionally damage my son. NOTHING is more important to me than my son's physical and emotional safety.

Thank you again to everyone who took the time to share their experiences and advice. I feel much less alone than I did this morning. <3

Sources: Reddit
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