'My husband screamed at me for being sad on Mother’s Day, he said 'you're not my mom.' UPDATED 3X

"My husband screamed at me over Mother’s Day."

I got up this morning around 8 with my husband and there was no mention of it being Mother’s Day. That’s fine, we carried on our morning exactly the same as any other weekend morning. I did the washing, made breakfast and put a roast in the oven. My husband spent some of his morning looking for a car for our son who is 17 (his broke down a few days ago and isn’t worth repairing).

At around 1pm I decided to go and dye my eyebrows but as I was getting my stuff ready, my husband tells me I should go back downstairs and help our son get some quotes for insurance. His policy is a multi car policy on my insurance so I would need to do it for him. I explained that I was busy but my husband shouted at me that I need to go downstairs and help our son.

I was so upset at this point that nobody had even mentioned Mother’s Day that I called them both dicks for being so inconsiderate. At that point my husband went mental with me and screamed that I’m not his mother so why would he do anything for me? He told me I was weird for even suggesting it and that I was a weirdo for being annoyed that he wished his own mum a Happy Mother’s Day.

He did in fact put a post on his Facebook page telling her she’s the best for everything she does for him (that did irk me because since we’ve been together it’s me that does everything for him). I wasn’t annoyed he wished her a Happy Mother’s Day, it sounds stupid but I was upset that he’d tagged her. Whenever he puts a post about us, he never tags me he just calls me the wife.

I just feel that at every opportunity his mum gets better treatment than me. Anyway, he then shouted that my son is old enough to do something for me without my him being involved (totally agree with this, I am upset with him too) and to stop making everything about me. I was so shocked to hear this that I said I wouldn’t bother about his birthday tomorrow then.

He screamed that was fine, he wasn’t expecting anything anyway because I have nothing to give him. I’ve never felt so hurt and unappreciated with his comments. So did I do something wrong here? I never expected a gift or anything of any value but it would have made me feel appreciated if there had been some effort, even just a kiss to say I’m a good mum.

I intend to show him this post because he doesn’t believe husbands should appreciate their partners on Mother’s Day so I’d like to hear others’ views. Thanks.

The internet fully had OP's back.

HatsAndTopcoats wrote:

Your husband sounds like an a**hole. Do you like being married to him?

OP responded:

I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to him lately, it feels like he hates me. I’ve told him that it’s ok to fall out of love and if that’s what’s happened he should tell me so we can make a plan to go our own way. Instead he tells me he loves me but won’t show it, in fact it’s completely the opposite with every day just getting nastier and nastier.

Personal_Regular_569 wrote:

Honey, you don't need his permission to end things. He is treating you poorly, by your account getting worse and worse. When will you draw the line? How much longer do you need to suffer?

What sort of husband do you want your son to be? Do you want him to believe it's okay to treat his partner this way because he watched you accept it? A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries with how you deserve to be treated. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy, you always have been.

Dependent-Guava-4334 wrote:

If you ask me, he's having an affair with feelings and is taking his frustration out on you cause he doesn't want to give up finances, so he sees you as an anchor he's stuck with. In short, he's a dick. You don't need him to "fall out of love" to end things and be happy.

OP responded:

Really?

xplosm wrote:

I wouldn’t dare to refer to my wife as “tHe WiFe” as many dimwits seem to refer to theirs. Mainly out of respect we mutually have for each other. Perhaps calling her “my wife” and depending on the context, for example when people don’t directly know her. But I refer to her by name most of the time.

There’s some malicious intent to call you “the wife” because he’s putting a barrier. Like whose wife? Why not name you. Also the fact that he completely under appreciates all you do for him. You do for him pretty much everything a mother does for a child.

He has issues. Deeply rooted issues. I think an ultimatum is in order with clauses to seek professional mental health aid as a couple and individually. Sorry you had to endure that. He must be a Tater thot and must be sad his “hero” is in prison for ab*se and h*man trafficking.

OP responded:

Thank you for explaining that so well about the Facebook post. It felt meaningless and impersonal sticking a post on Facebook that didn’t even name me. I think it came across I was jealous of his mum, I’m really not. I’m just hurt that everyone else around us gets more attention than me. She’s his mum, it’s more than ok for him to celebrate that I just wish I got the same amount of love from him.

sally_marie_b wrote:

Why should your husband do something for you on Mothers Day? Because you carried and birthed his child that’s why. I can’t stand men who act this way, it really pisses me off. I’ve read through all your replies and all you wanted was a “Happy Mothers Day” and an hour to do some self care on a day that’s meant to be about showing love and appreciation to Mothers.

And what he wanted was you to jump to attention and do what he wanted when he wanted it done. I would of called him a d*ck too and told him to f#$k all the way off. The insurance could wait until after you were done doing your thing. It wasn’t urgent and him being defensive and shitty was completely uncalled for.

I’ve got a nearly 17yr old son and he wouldn’t and didn’t think to get me anything off of his own back either. But my husband reminded him and took both our boys out to buy cards because, why wouldn’t he?!

Why is this small amount of effort for the mother of your kids considered so entirely uncalled for? I do it for my husband for Fathers Day because I want him to feel loved. It’s not a big ask is it? A card and a greeting.

OP responded:

Thank you for so eloquently describing what I wanted. It was never about gifts, I just wanted to feel appreciated. Happy Mother’s Day to you 💕

Not much later, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: In my original post I talked about our son who is 17. After my husband had read your comments he wanted me to let you know that he is not my son’s dad and just the step dad. My husband has been in his life since he was 10 and has always treated him like a son and has been there through many huge milestones.

I didn’t feel the need to put that he was the step dad because I don’t see him like that and I didn’t realise that’s how he seen our son. He tells everyone he’s OURS! Apparently it will make a different to your opinions. I really apologize if I misled anyone, it wasn’t my intention I just really see him as his dad.

Like I’ve said in my comments below, he has done stuff for Mother’s Day previously. This just feels like a final kick in the teeth.

The comments kept coming in.

coadyj wrote:

My wife and I used to live in UK now we live in Paris and she is from Finland. I celebrate 3 mothers day every year. I buy cards from my daughter and our dog and buy flowers and a cake or something, why because not only is she a mother but she is the mother of my child.

Your husband can say whatever he likes but he should have done something. Show him the replies to this post and show him how everyone else thinks he is in the wrong.

PrincessBella1 wrote:

Why are you with this man? He sounds cruel and ab*sive. No, you should be appreciated. Both your husband and son are wrong and yes, you shouldn't do anything for his birthday. Or your son's.

theearthwalker wrote:

Friend, it is okay to evaluate your relationship and conclude that it is not helping you attain happiness, even hindering it. Screaming has no place in a respectful and loving relationship, and the fact he thinks he can yell at you like a disobedient dog.

(Not that one should scream at their dog unless they are, once again, trying to eat racoon poop) signals that not only does he not sees you as an equal, he doesn't see you as someone with whom he wishes to continue a relationship. One doesn't scream at a person they wish to keep in their life.

From experience, I can tell you that being single after an unpleasant relationship is one of the most wonderful feeling ever. Ever. The liberty, the absence of eggshells underfoot, the sudden time to do things you want instead of being a servant to an ungrateful and ungenerous AH. You are going to feel like you are breathing with your entire lungs for the first time in years.

cinnamonduck wrote:

Happy Mother’s Day, OP. I hope that you’re able to salvage the rest of the day for yourself. You are a wonderful mother and deserve to be appreciated and loved properly. Take yourself to dinner, do some retail therapy, and get yourself flowers.

OP shared yet another update in the comments.

UPDATE: so I’ve shown him these comments which just infuriated him. He’s said I’m not a victim so I should stop acting like one. I tried to calmly tell him how I felt but he clearly didn’t care and told me I can’t be angry with him because my son doesn’t care about me. At no point did I say I was angry, more upset and I definitely don’t blame my son forgetting on my husband.

I honestly felt like I was about to have a breakdown, I can’t understand how he repeats things back that didn’t happen then tell me I’m upsetting him over these things that didn’t happen. I feel like I’m going crazy and honestly don’t know what to do in the short term.

He was spitting angry that I won’t have bought him anything for his birthday and I don’t know why. Previous birthdays have been surprise trips to Rome or Castle stays or the new XBox and it’s not his birthday until tomorrow! Apparently it’s his birthday weekend and I’ve spoilt it being a victim. I’ve drove off to get some perspective, he actually locked the door behind me.

People continued to have OP's back.

Lexocracy wrote:

That sensation of feeling like you are going crazy because he's saying things that didn't happen, he's spinning a story you don't think you experienced the same thing? Yeah that's gaslighting. He's spinning this around to make you feel off balance so that he has the upper hand. People don't suddenly learn to gaslight either.

I suspect he's been doing this your whole relationship but it's ramped up lately. I highly suggest you get yourself a therapist and you get away from this man. He has no empathy and no sense of partnership with you. He's making it a battle between the two of you and that's not a marriage.

The best mother's day gift you can give yourself is to put yourself first in this situation and then make sure that your son isn't learn all your husband's terrible traits.

Bob_Barker4ever wrote:

You need to separate at least for a while to cool off and figure out what you really want to do here. He’s showing you how little care he actually has for you. What do you want out of this one life you have? It sounds like (since you can celebrate his birthday in such big ways) that you have financial means.

Do you want this for the rest of your life? On another note, have you talked with your son about him not acknowledging Mothers Day and that his lack of care to that hurt you?

Regulatory_Junior wrote:

I'm so sorry. He sounds really unhinged. He locked you out of the house? I don't even know what to say. Is it characteristic of him to act this way? You mentioned that his attitude towards you is getting nastier and nastier. It sounds like your husband believes he's stuck in an unhappy marriage. I would think about revisiting the conversation on separation again with him once he cooled down.

Jo0306 wrote:

Sounds like he's pushing you away now OP. I know everyone is quick on these subs to suggest this and that but it is coming across like he's making you miserable to force your hand and you be the one to end things. Like you're the bad guy. Go back home and ask him to leave. Perhaps he can go stay with the mum who does everything for him that he's ever so grateful for!

Two days later, OP jumped on with another update.

Firstly, thank you all so so much for the kind words, advice and love you sent me on Sunday. I was overwhelmed with the response I received so couldn’t reply to all comments. I thought you all deserved an update around what happened afterwards. Unfortunately things got a bit worse on Sunday evening with some pretty nasty stuff been thrown my way.

My husband told me the reason he was so resentful towards me was because he helped me financially for a few months after several things happened at once. We moved house, I changed jobs which meant a change in pay date for me and also a few weeks without a salary (which he knew about, it was planned for and he told me he’d cover) then my car had a major break down which he paid to have fixed.

This is the first time that he’s helped me financially, we’ve always split everything 50/50. Basically he’s annoyed that he lost money that he’ll never get back. In our early days I helped him when he didn’t have much. I helped him set up his business which is doing really well now and I look after all of his accounts, wages, invoices, VAT returns etc without a wage.

So him telling me he resented me for helping me, really really hurt because I’m his wife and I’ve lost count how many hours I’ve also put into his business. When we talked about it yesterday I told him his behaviour towards me is unacceptable and I won’t tolerate it anymore. I told him he can’t resent me for helping me, it’s his bloody job just like it’s mine to help him when I can.

I told him he needs to get some professional help because his behaviour isn’t acceptable. I’ve wondered for a long time if there’s some undiagnosed condition. He agreed that he knows he needs some help and acknowledged he knows what he’s done and said is wrong. So I’ve given him 1 week to find someone and book an appointment.

If he does this I’ll support him to work through his past (he was emotionally abused by his step dad) and hopefully we’ll have a stronger marriage. Or he’ll conveniently forget about what he’s promised and continue being horrible to me. If he chooses this option what he won’t realise is that I won’t argue with him about it or cry, I’ll simply be making a plan to leave.

I’ll give him a chance because I love him but I won’t waste my life on someone who doesn’t want or respect me. As for his mother, her response to our fight was that it’s my behaviour that’s a problem and he should go and stay with her. That relationship for me is now dead, I’ll be polite but that’s it. Thanks again for all your support. It’s really made me realise I have options.

People had a lot to say in response.

anotherace wrote:

Once again I am sorry he treated you that way. I truly hope he can change for the better! Honestly from how you just said his mother reacted I'm not surprised he is the way he is. Instead of seeing fault in himself he defaulted to seeing fault in you which was bull. I hope you the best and that whatever ends up happening is the best for you!

pearlsbeforedogs wrote:

If you don't already, start tracking all the unpaid work you do for the business. List out the tasks you perform and track the time/dates that you worked on it. Even if the relationship works out perfectly, if at some point he needs to hire someone to fulfill that role, it will be good information to have, so you have a perfectly innocent reason for doing it.

If it doesn't work out, then it will prove even more why you deserve half of that successful business. He'd better get his butt in gear because he's going to really hate having to hire someone right after losing half his ownership in it.

MonkeyPawWishes wrote:

The husband really wanted everyone to know he isn't this kid's real dad. That's not an opinion that just springs up overnight. Between the kid and hating spending a dime of "his" money on his wife the husband's resentment of the wife has clearly been building for years.

Sounds like he's having a midlife crisis, thinks he's too good for this relationship, and that she and the kid are holding him back from his "best life". Total bulls**t of course.

InvisibleStu wrote:

I always find it so strange when married couples behave like they aren’t a team. Just 2 single people living together that raises their kids from a single house. Keep score of who owes who what, who has scored more ‘points’ in the relationship. Why even get married?

sailorxsaturn wrote:

It's honestly really weird to me when married couples view helping each other financially as a transaction. I get splitting expenses sometimes if it's a way to not argue about money but when you view it like a loan to someone rather than helping your f##king spouse why are you married anyway.