Dad sick and tired of ex-wife's new husband undermining his parenting, 'they're not your kids.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to do anymore joint parties with my ex for our kids?"
Puzzled_Experience11
I have three kids with my ex-wife Sammie. We divorced when our youngest was still a baby. Our kids are now 11, 10 and 8. Sammie has been married to Joe for the last two years.
Sammie and I disagreed a lot on parenting which is ultimately what drove us apart. We did mediation and co-parenting classes during our divorce (recommended by the judge).
The recommendation was that we communicate about schedules and parenting conflicts on the Our Family Wizard App. But to try and work on coming together for our kids. So we did just that.
We discussed parenting via the app and tried to show we could be civil in front of our kids. We even did some joint parties together for birthdays and such.
Ever since Sammie married Joe, things have changed. He's a lot more strict than Sammie and he has undermined me in front of the kids a number of times. I've also noticed that both Sammie and Joe have become annoyed when the kids listened to me over Joe.
Examples: Our 11 year old had a family day to raise money for his (rec) football team. We went together and it was my parenting time, so the kids were home with me that week. They had lemonade there for people to drink as well as water and fruit juice.
My oldest wanted lemonade and asked me if he could get some. I said of course and Joe said after me that he could not, that he was only allowed water and knew that. I encouraged him to go ahead and told them that the kids are allowed more than water with me.
That same day my youngest wanted to join his older siblings in the bounce house. I said sure and I would go watch to make sure he was okay. Joe said it was not a good idea and he should stay with them.
Another time, at my daughter's birthday party at my house and during my parenting time, she wanted to know if I would come and let her and the other kids bounce me around on the bounce house. Joe butted in and said he didn't want her having an adult on with kids.
This kind of thing happens frequently. I have brought up my frustration with them. I have said that I do not appreciate it and I do not interfere on their parenting time. But I have been dismissed repeatedly and Joe has told me that I am not a good parent and they don't approve.
So I decided. No more joint stuff like this. We can attend the same functions, but we should not all sit together and we should stop throwing joint parties including both sides. I spoke to my kids and they said it might be better since their mom and Joe don't like when they listen to me over Joe.
I informed my ex and Joe of my decision, and they said I was an a** and was not putting the kids first. I responded by saying that disrespecting me in front of the kids does not equate to putting the kids first. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
LiesTricks
NTA, sounds like your kids get it. Joe needs to back off and mind his own business. They are not his kids to raise. He can support your ex, not decide for her or for you. He has no place in that discussion. If didn't like her parenting style he shouldn't have married her in the first place.
Heavy_Sand5228
Yeah and him undermining OP’s parenting right in front of him feels like a power play of sorts. It’s disrespectful and ultimately not in the best interest of the kids.
concernedforhumans
Consult a lawyer. You might not want to change custody right now but you need to document everything. I think your wife will be consulting a lawyer too claiming you’re the bad parent .
The OP responded here:
Puzzled_Experience11
My lawyer is already aware and documentation has been started.
TeenySod
NTA. Contradicting you in front of the children at every turn is really not acceptable behaviour and your ex should be recognising this. ESPECIALLY in your own home, let alone when the kids are on "your" time.
Sounds like Joe needs to stay in his lane, and if Sammie can't see that, then the situation has changed from the original agreement and may need to go back to mediation to resolve - including Joe this time?
The OP again responded here:
Puzzled_Experience11
Mediation didn't actually resolve anything last time. It was attempted but the reason Our Family Wizard is used is because we were not able to get to the place the judge liked.
ParsimoniousSalad
NTA. If Joe is going to disagree with you in front of the kids, he's the one making joint parenting functions unworkable. He should attend the parenting classes too so everyone is on the same page. But since that's not practical, your solution is reasonable. It's fairly normal too.