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Parents shock daughter's BF; 'You want to come on our free vacation? Here's your ultimatum.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

Parents shock daughter's BF; 'You want to come on our free vacation? Here's your ultimatum.' AITA? UPDATED 2X


When this mom is upset with her daughter's BF and basically threatens him, she asks Reddit:

"AITA for not allowing our daughters boyfriend to stay with her on the trip we are paying for and offering an ultimatum?"

My husband, our 16 year old son, and I are going next month to visit our daughter at her college which is a few states away. She is a freshman and has been with her boyfriend Steve for 3 years.

Steve is really a great kid, but since money is a bit tighter in his family, he is doing 2 years at junior college while working to save up for the school my daughter attends.

We have never taken him on a trip, but since he says money is right, we decided to bring him with on our visit to see our daughter.

He visited her once on his own back in the fall, but due to his finances he wouldn’t be able to afford another trip this school year. He was over the moon when we invited him.

We don’t want him to pay for a single thing. His flight, his hotel room (he will be sharing with our son, they get along really well) and his food and drink will all be paid for by us.

And really we are glad to do it. We’ve also never really had a disagreement with Steve until now.

When speaking to my daughter about plans, the hotel came up. This is when I found out that my daughters dorm roommate is out of town that weekend.

And she plans to have Steve stay in her dorm with her while we visit. I told her absolutely not. I said what they do when we aren’t there is their business, but since we are going to be there and funding this whole trip, he will be staying at the hotel.

Call my husband and I old school, or traditionalists, but we are Christians. And the idea of them staying together on our visit makes us uncomfortable. We think we are being rather generous to take him in the first place.

The word got back to Steve and he actually called me and asked why he couldn’t stay with our daughter. I explained my reasons above and he got irate.

He tried to pull the “adult” card. I said Steve, here is the deal. If you wanna stay with her, that’s fine. You will still be welcome to tag along with our family.

But there will be separate checks on every meal. And he could figure out his own way there. He said we know he can’t afford that. And I said all we ask is that you sleep at the hotel. He agreed but now my daughter is saying we embarrassed him and he’s thinking of not coming. AITA?

Then, OP provides this first update about the situation:

We aren’t dumb. We know what happens. But we aren’t going to contribute to it ourselves. Like I said, if he wants to fund his own trip, he can do whatever he wants. And he’s welcome to still join us for activities that we have planned.

But if we do pay for him, we expect certain behavior. I think this is simple. The entitlement amongst Reddit is amazing sometimes lol. That’s not how we were raised.

My husband and I had sex on our own time. We never once thought our parents owed us time for that. Its the way we were raised and it’s the way we are going to raise our kids.

Then, OP provides this second update:

Starting to think I shouldn’t have mentioned being Christians. I think that automatically turns people off on Reddit. We don’t love the idea of our daughter being sexually active but we know it happens.

But we certainly are not responsible to provide them an opportunity on what is a family trip. The trip is like a family trip so my husband, son and I can visit her at her school. We thought it would be nice to invite Steve so they could see eachother.

It’s a trip for us to spend time with our daughter, and we included Steve. Its not a trip for Steve and our daughter to do whatever they want.

We have activities planned throughout the day when we are there. My husband and I won’t be out all night. We also have our younger son to worry about. If they wanna go out or go to a party after we go home, that’s perfectly fine.

We aren’t dropping him off at the dorm and giving them 4 hours of alone time there in the middle of the day if that’s what you’re asking.

I know we were surprised he did that. Actually my husband was trying to say we shouldn’t take him anymore just for saying something like that. I pushed back on that though. I’m not an idiot I am sure they have sex, but as parents it’s not our responsibility to make sure they have that opportunity.

Let's see what readers thought:

goldenfingernails7 writes:

I think it's nice that you want to pay for the trip but, they are together and this is an opportunity for them to be together privately. Obviously, they don't get to do this often so why not just let them be?

Your being "Christians" doesn't stop them from being who they are and doesn't give you the right to butt into their business. You may not agree with it but they are adults. It's just too bad your generosity is conditional. YTA.

extendedbikprotein rites:

This is totally strange. So it's ok as long as you don't know about it? And what is the problem with Steve being at the dorm, since you're staying at the Hotel?

I don't get it. This sounds totally controlling for absolutely no reason. If they're going to have sex, they will do so regardless of whether you force this or not so it serves absolutely no purpose, other than to control and alienate your daughter.

You can of course call the shots, because it's your money, but all your daughter will take away is when her parents are doing something nice, it comes with strings attached that are controlling her life. YTA.

rohiniraBMLES writes:

Do you want your daughter to marry Steve?

They're been together for 3 years, and most likely have had sex before. Okay you don't want them to have sex on your dime.

But what is the long term plan? A Long distance relationship requires work to survive. It requires faithfulness and understanding and a LOT of patience and resisting temptations. I assume you want your daughter to marry the guy she's been investing her affections in for the past 3 years, a good guy according to you.

Couples need a cuddle, and sometimes to cry together and reassure each other. Sure you're paying and you have a right to express your preferences. But what is the bigger picture OP? Do you want them to break up? forego some intimacy and alone time (not everything is sex btw) because you're uncomfy?

You're getting the YTA because you sound uncaring about what is best for your own kid. Spending some time alone with her partner isn't a big ask. Suppose they want to just stare at each other to remind the other person of how they look, since it's been a while since they've seen each other in person?

Not everything is about sex. Maybe your morals/beliefs should let your mind be open enough to think your daughter is MORE than just a sex stared young woman.

curiousjackfruit writes:

NAH. You’re being very generous and it sounds like Steve mishandled the situation. But I would settle it within myself, if you haven’t already, what you hope to accomplish by laying down this rule.

Your daughter already knows your values and you’re not going to change her mind. I think you need to give her something more substantial than “it makes us uncomfortable.”

If their sharing a room offends you as a Christian, why only on this trip? Is your payment of her college tuition contingent on her adhering to your values? What about if she and Steve are together long term but never marry? Not criticizing or even asking you to explain yourself here. Just pointing out some potential contradictions.

wes1003 writes:

I feel like someone ready to pull the "adult" card should've probably saved up the money to visit on his own, but whatever.

YTA for the financial ultimatum part, knowing he couldn't pay for it. If you weren't aware of his finances and just offered the alternative of him paying for himself (rather than you sponsoring him to have sex with your daughter), that's fine. But you knew ahead of time, which makes it controlling.

But it's perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with sponsoring some dude as he has sex with your daughter. That part, NTA.

If they wanna have sex they, should pay for it themselves, like "adults," as Steve put it. Really not that hard to understand. That's what my girlfriend/now wife did. We saved up a paid for hotels ourselves.

discoparty7 writes:

NTA - we live in a world filled with conditions and this is situation is no different if OP is fully finding a trip then a reasonable request isn't that bad, it's only a short time and her daughter can live without sex for this short time, and so can the BF.

This isn't a crazy request. Why is the world filled with such entitlement these days, if some one had offered me this chance to see my girl for free and all I had to do was not shag he for a few days then I would jump at it, hell he's gone on long enough without it a few more days won't hurt.

differentseeker writes:

NTA. You shouldn't have to p a y for your child's boots call. If they want one, they can pay for it. The GREATEST feeling I ever had like this was allowing my boyfriend to sleep over, in my house, with me, when my parents were visiting.

We didn't fool around because we felt weird, but I didn't make him leave. Next morning, my Dad had no problem, but my Mom was scandalized and started to say something. I reminded her, in my own home, I do what I want.

Looks like the jury is OUT here. What do YOU think?

Sources: Reddit
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