Pregnant woman doesn't want to be a SAHM; husband says 'you're an AH.'

'AITA for telling my husband I refuse to be a SAHM, even though he thought I would?'

I just want to start off by saying that I have immense respect for SAHP.

My husband and I are expecting and I am 5 months pregnant. We are over the moon and so looking forward to meeting our son! My husband owns and runs his own business, and so do I. We are both very happy with our jobs.

Recently we started talking about schools, childcare and jobs etc. Now it’s important to note that my husband and I are very safety oriented, and weary of people we don’t know.

I stated that I’d like to go back to work pretty soon after the baby is born. I am looking forward to spending time with the baby, but I am in no way interested in staying home with him full time. I’m imagining being back full time when he’s around 8/10 months.

My husband was under the impression that I’d be staying home with the baby until he goes to kindergarten (maybe even longer). I was a bit taken aback because I had no idea why he thought this. He stated he wasn’t really comfortable with leaving our child with a sitter.

(Note: Nannies are hard to come by where we live, and we both require some certain safety requirements for said nanny, which makes it hard to find someone suitable). I told him I wanted to start looking into nannies before the child was born, so that they could get to know the baby during my maternity leave. That way they would both be familiar with each other by the time I go back to work.

He started arguing a bit about what our expectations were. I understand not every mom would be comfortable with my choices, but I cannot handle being a SAHM. I know it would mentally tear me apart, and it has no appeal to me. We are both in control of our own work hours, so it’s not like we won’t spend any time with the child. We just both love our job, and also need time to be people and not just parents.

He said I was TA for not wanting to stay home until the baby starts school, and I said he was being a d*ck for expecting that of me. He is respecting my decision and he supports me, no matter what I decide. I recognize where he’s coming from, but I just cannot for the life of me be a SAHM. But I guess I do feel a little bad, because I’m wondering if I’m TA.

INFO:

His business requires a bit more of him, and requires him physically showing up for some parts of the job, which is why he cannot be the one to stay home. I have every means and access to stay home, I simply just do not want to. AITA for not staying home?

It is an accidental pregnancy due to failed birth control, but we are now very happy! We’ve also talked about it in the past, where he didn’t show any discomfort with childcare. Guess we’re all a little more overprotective when it comes to our own kids.

I'm seeing a lot of comments stating why we haven’t had this conversation before marriage, WE HAVE. My husband and I HAVE had this conversation, and we both decided we wanted to be child free. We talked about it before we got married, and have talked about it a lot since.

We've even talked about accidental pregnancy, but never thought it would become real. This is a matter of failed birth control and we just found out I was pregnant in month four, so we weren't really left with many options. Furthermore my husband changed his mind about outside childcare once we were actually in the situation. Guess parental protectiveness kicked in.

Here's what people had to say:

claireclairey writes:

NTA. OP, do not let your husband guilt-trip you into thinking you’re a bad mom (or a bad wife) if you don’t stay home. Once you start staying home, the dynamics of your relationship WILL change, no matter what your husband says.

Plus going back to work will be much, MUCH harder—now it’ll be your job, and your job alone, to make sure your child gets to school on time, has a ride home, gets meals on time, and overall, just is prepared for daily stuff.

If your husband isn’t willing to make sacrifices so he can stay home, then he should not be expecting you to stay home. Period.

HelenGonne writes:

If his heart were in the right place, he would have arranged his career to be a SAHD, since that is so crucial to him.

no-one-cares8675309 writes:

'He will support me either way.' Erm.... no... that's not support. I'm a SAHM, and she is correct. It's not for everyone. Everyone needs to figure out what is best for themselves and their family. An unsupportive spouse is not best for anyone's family.

FlahBlast writes:

Judging by how she describes his reaction, him being supportive’ sounds more like he isn’t threatening divorce or hiding her phone or giving her the silent treatment than ACTUAL support

Updates from OP momtobe00:

I appreciate all the kind words and advice! But if people could please stop private messaging me about how I am gonna change my tune and how they hope I’m gonna change my mind once the baby is born, I’d appreciate it. It’s a question of wether or not im an AH for going back to work, not if im going to change my mind. Im not. SAHM is not for me.

Luckily none of us is really taking it that bad. We laughed about the situation and decided to just find a way to make us both content and comfortable. We tied the knot because we love each other and we want to figure things out, this is just one of those things. No bad blood here, just a little miscommunication.

I just wanted to know if I was a d*ck for not wanting to give up my life for my kids, as so many other parents do.