Tending to and healing your childhood trauma is not a simple task. Many people never attempt it because simply facing the truth about how they were raised is too painful to bear. Even the most loving parents are bound to make mistakes, and people who are unwilling to own their actions and grow and learn are even more likely to scar their kids.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her parents she wouldn't leave her child alone with them. She wrote:
I (28F) and my husband (36M) got married last year, and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. Not everyone knows yet, because I have PCOS and I’ve been worried about being able to carry to term. Needless to say, we are very excited. Now onto the issue. My husband and I had VERY different upbringings as children.
His parents could not be nicer if they tried, and treated me like their daughter before we were even engaged. But my family? Not so much. My father was authoritarian, emotionally abusive (I didn’t realize at the time, but every friend or specialist I’ve talked to has described him as such), and neglected to spend time with us. My mom was by all accounts a wonderful SAH mom, and a caring woman.
Her only flaw is that she NEVER stood up for us when my dad was being a jerk. She would tell us in private that she agreed with us, but it “wasn’t her place” to question him. My dad has gotten better since they became empty nesters, but he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong with the way he raised us (maybe one or two things).
If we bring it up, he says that children always complain about their parents, and it won’t make a difference to apologize now. And I completely disagree. Being loved by my wonderful husband, being around his family, and having this life growing inside me made me realize how horrible my upbringing really was. My biggest goal in life is to be nothing like my parents when it comes to my kids.
That being said, my parents were overjoyed to hear about their first grandbaby. They talked about how I could always leave my kid with them if my husband and I ever needed a babysitter, and I immediately felt cold. I had flashbacks of all the yelling, all the times I felt neglected and unloved, their strict rules and punishments.
And it must have showed on my face, because my dad asked if something was wrong. I tried to brush it off, saying my husband's family was closer so we would probably use them, but he didn’t buy it. He asked if we had a problem leaving our child with them. Hormones got the better of me, and I answered. I said I didn’t trust them to leave my child alone with them.
I didn’t believe they would treat my child better than how they treated me, and I didn’t want my child to ever feel like I felt. They were surprised. My mom got misty-eyed, and my dad was shocked, asking why I would say something like that. I once again, reminded him of all the stuff he did as a dad. He said “that’s all in the past, I don’t understand why it matters now.”
At this, I slammed my hands of the table and yelled “THIS is why it matters!! You don’t listen, you’ve NEVER listened! Why the f#$k would I trust you to listen to my feelings/boundaries when it comes to MY child when you can’t even pretend to care about my feelings when I was YOUR child!?” And then he told me it wasn’t nice to swear. Literally, in one ear and out the other. So Reddit, AITA?
NTA! Congratulations on your bundle of joy, and congratulations on standing up to your parents, especially your father!
"It wasn’t nice to swear." F$%k him and the horse he rode in on.
NTA. Good job for protecting your child and standing up for yourself.
NTA, crap parent always make for crap grand parent. The fact your father doesn't think he did anything wrong, is a clear sign that he doesn't feel sorry anything he has done in the past, nor has he actually changed for the better. Also, if your mom could not stand up to him, what makes you think she will do so for her own grand child? Keep your child safe, OP.
NTA. I’ve said the same thing about my parents and I haven’t even have a child yet. One time my mother open mouth screamed at my niece for forgetting to pray before eating. Like was scr*aming at her so hard, she was spitting! I would never leave my kids with her.
NTA, congratulations from one PCOS momma to another. Please ask your dr and looked in to how PCOS affect post partum and breastfeeding if you decide to. When you are ready to look. It is different for us unfortunately.
OP is clearly NTA here, she's standing her ground as she should.