When this pregnant woman is upset with her spouse, she asks Reddit:
I (30sF) am currently expecting. My husband (30sM) and I have been together for a over a decade, and I chose to keep my maiden name when we got married several years ago.
He has always respected this decision. As far as future children go, I always knew our children having his surname was important to him, and I never had an issue with this.
So now I am pregnant, and after we found out I was excited. In my excitement & babbling about the future, I mentioned the idea of a hyphenated name, which I immediately said wouldn’t be practical, as it would be a too much of a mouthful. I reiterated that his last name for the baby was the plan.
He balked, disgusted at the idea of hyphenated names, and said “kids with hyphenated names get picked on, and they’re ridiculous.
The baby will have my name because that’s just the way it is.” Again, the baby having his last name I was in support of, but I was taken aback by this comment, and asked “what do you mean ‘that’s the way it is’?”
He went off saying how children automatically are given their father’s last names at birth- as if it’s some sort of automatic legal requirement- like someone comes to hospital & enforces the father’s last name on the birth certificate? Now I am even more taken aback, and questioning wtf is he talking about???
I am not liking this. He escalated further about men who has children without their last names are schmucks, pussies, etc.. I am fully stunned at this point.
He has no explanation for the statement he made about fathers names being automatically enforced by nameless, faceless entities on families at hospitals, and switched to saying “c’mon you know this has always been important to me” which I feel is contradictory to the bizarre claim of legal enforcement.
I went from having no issue with giving our child his surname, to having an issue with it, as I am upset with what I perceive to be entitlement. And even though I don’t want a hyphenated name I was still upset about him being so disgusted with the idea of my surname being included.
This conversation changed the whole tone of this for me- it went from being something I had no problem doing because I knew it was important to him, to being very turned off by his recently discovered beliefs. I have addressed it twice since this originally occurred, telling him it’s very off putting & upsetting for me.
He just blows up & demands to know what last name the baby will have. I know I am hormonal, and not quite myself lately, so I would like to know other peoples take? AITA for having such an issue with this?
** for clarity: I feel like I may be the AH because I may be overreacting and/or irrational, like I am causing unnecessary issues.
This is a problem of toxic masculinity, not your hormones. It's one thing to make a decision between the two of you (though honestly the "difficulties" of hyphenated last names are largely overblown by people who just don't want to hyphenate.)
It's another thing to be asked to sign off on patriarchal nonsense, and it's worth asking what else he's going to insist on because in his mind it's "just how things are." The fact that he's repeatedly blowing up about it rather than taking a step back to talk calmly about his views, and expects you to roll with that, is more than cause to be upset. NTA.
Not gonna tell you to leave him, Reddit-style, but do keep an eye on this stuff. If he's taking his cues from unexamined gender stereotypes, you may see some parenting behavior that is potentially problematic, even if you find him a mostly-reasonable partner.
NTA. I grew up in a more conservative area and kids with hyphenated last names were never picked on. Nobody cares. He’s enforcing a gender hierarchy that has no place in today’s world
NTA. That you are pregnant, hormonal, moods, what ever, has nothing to do with anything. It is his over reaction to a nothing remark. He went full ballistic when he should have let the whole hyphenated thing slide on by. You are now being bullied, dismissed, and gaslighted, into believing you are the problem. This is alarming.