Mom calls son 'creepy' for rewarding disabled wife with hugs and kisses.
"AITAH for telling my wife our son’s ridiculous behavior was her fault?"
Original_Station_321
My (48M) wife Mary (50F) has always coddled our son Mickey (28M). Mickey was born premature and spent time in the NICU. Mary was very protective of him. She was a helicopter parent and constantly overextended herself for Mickey’s sake.
One thing that annoyed me was that she would constantly hug and kiss our son. That wasn’t a problem. The problem was she would be sad and moody if he didn’t give her one. She also had a payment for a kiss thing with Mickey.
I that as Mickey grew older, he wouldn’t appreciate being coddled by his mom so much. But she was convinced her precious baby boy wouldn’t be a mean nasty man who hated hugs and kisses. I guess she was right.
Mickey got married a few years ago to Diane. She’s a stand up woman with a good head on her shoulders. She’s straightforward and logical. I was a little worried about Mary because everyone knows how mothers and daughters in law don’t get along, but she loved Diane, at least until Mickey came to her with his marital problems.
In the past couple of years, he told Mary that Diane was drifting away from him. They were very close to being separated though I don’t think my son would’ve ever divorced her.
Long story short, one day Diane passed out at the wheel and got into a nasty accident. She was later told she had an autoimmune disease that has fatigue as a side effect. Diane needs a wheelchair most of the time but she’s not paralyzed. Mickey has been taking care of her and he’s doing a pretty good job. They seem to have a happy, stronger marriage.
Today, my wife was a nervous wreck. She told me Mickey and Diane visited. Our town is not wheelchair friendly so Diane needs a lot of help. Mary told me that Mickey asked Diane to pay him with hugs and kisses and he was smothering her with affection.
I asked Mary if Diane seemed afraid, upset, or annoyed. She said no. I told Mary I didn’t see a problem with an inside joke between a married couple. Mary burst out that it was wrong because of how helpless Diane was.
I told her that one, Diane wasn’t helpless, and two, our son’s ridiculous behavior was her fault. Mary modeled that hugs and kisses were required to show love and Mickey was doing what he learned. Hell, he learned the whole paying with a kiss from Mary! She stormed off and has been giving me the silent treatment. AITAH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Vaping_Viking
NTA. Overall, it seems like your wife's ridiculousness worked out. I don't think this arrangement of paying with affection would have started when Diane got sick. It probably happened earlier in their relationship. If Diane didn't like it, she would have communicated that at some point, hopefully.
Your wife is butting into your son's relationship. There could be a number of reasons for that, but ultimately, it should stop. Sit her down and tell her that Diane is ill, but she's still of sound mind and can make her own decisions. This is a relationship dynamic that doesn't have to do with her illness, and it should be between Diane and Mickey.
While it is 100% your wife's fault that Mickey does this, it's not productive to point it out to her. So you may want to avoid that. Good luck, OP!
The OP responded here:
Original_Station_321
It probably didn’t start when Diane got sick, but I know Mickey did it a lot more. I think he feels guilty and worried for Diane’s health so he’s showing his love the best way he knows how. I don’t know why my wife is so upset. I would’ve thought she would be flattered and boast that she was right.
sarcasm-o-rama
She's upset because that was her thing with Mickey and she doesn't want him doing it with anyone else. Pretending Diane is forcing it is a way of trying to put a stop to it.
bunnybunny690
I don’t think she’s concerned. I think she’s more shocked that her thing with her little boy is now part of his and his wife’s relationship.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
"(Update) I said our son’s ridiculous behavior was my wife’s fault. Reddit and I accused her of being jealous but she wasn’t."
Original_Station_321
A lot of the responses said that my wife Mary was jealous of Diane (our daughter in law) or inappropriately close with Mickey (our son). But she welcomed Diane with open arms and treated her as the daughter she never had.
We invited Diane and Mickey over for a bite. Well, Mary did. She commented a few times under her breath that Mickey was doing too much PDA and sent him to the grocery store. Then she interrogated Diane on if she felt comfortable, if anything was bothering her, and told Diane to let her know if anything ever worried her because Mary would pick her up.
No judgment. I was baffled. Diane thanked Mary but said she was fine. Mickey came back and we had a nice time though I noticed Mary kept an eye on them the entire time they were at our home.
After they were gone, I turned on Mary and asked her what the hell she was doing. She stammered that she had no idea what I was talking about. I told her she was being really weird and asked her point blank if she was jealous that Mickey was doing “their thing” with Diane.
She broke down and said she wasn’t jealous, she was downright uncomfortable. Then she told me that she hated the way Mickey used an innocent thing between mother and child for husband and wife. I asked her why it bothered her. She said that it looks bad - a man demanding affection in exchange for helping his physically disabled wife.
She emphasized that Diane was more helpless here than she could be. We live in a mountainous town that’s not wheelchair friendly. Diane can’t drive anymore. She had to rely on Mickey. Mary had to ask Diane and make sure she was really okay.
I asked her if she had so little trust in her own son to be a good person. Mary said her own father seemed like a good person to others but he was not a good father or husband.
Mary’s late mother was physically disabled and likely had anxiety and depression because of her disability and her husband’s controlling behavior. She wasn’t allowed to go out of the house and had no money. Her husband threatened to throw her in an asylum if she tried to leave, with or without the kids.
So Mary’s mother (my MIL) would reward children with kisses and hugs if they helped her out. They did chores, like washing dishes or laundry or helping her make a meal, in exchange for extra hugs and kisses since her mother didn’t have an allowance to give them. Her mother passed away when she was a teenager.
Mary had never mentioned much of her childhood before now. Mary passed that tradition down to Mickey but changed it a little bit since she liked to spoil Mickey.
Seeing it in a not parent to child context and with Diane being physically disabled was pretty disturbing to Mary and she was getting panic attacks thinking about it. Mickey does look like his grandfather. He takes after Mary’s features so I think it also made her upset.
I sat her down and said that I understood where she was coming from and we could figure it out together. I called up Mickey and told him the history behind his grandparents and Mickey said he got why it triggered his mom and he wouldn’t do it front of Mary anymore.
Mary said that she felt hurt I assumed she was jealous and insecure of Diane instead of worried for her. I deeply hurt her feelings. I apologized but she’s still hurt.
I got messages saying I was unclear on what Mickey was doing that made my wife so upset. So, Mary’s mother would give Mary a hug and a kiss for doing the dishes, for example. Mary would give her mom a hug for making dinner or sewing up her clothes, since her mom didn’t have much energy.
When Mary had Mickey, she would get him ice cream or a trip to the park and ask for a hug in exchange. Now, when Diane needed help getting in our house, Mickey would joke that he would help in exchange for a kiss. Or he would help her at meals and ask for a hug or kiss then.
Now, Mickey would never not help his wife if she didn’t give him a kiss, just like Mary wouldn’t have denied him a snack or a trip to the park as a kid if he didn’t want a hug, but it’s triggering for Mary because of her past. Mickey promised to stop making the “a kiss as payment” joke, not stop affection with Diane.
I feel bad because Mary said I assume the worst of her. Maybe it was the natural conclusion but I shouldn’t have accused her and just asked her what was going on.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
X_Vamp
This absolutely makes sense as a trauma response, but speaking as an abuse survivor myself, maybe your spouse should consider talking to a therapist to help unpack this. The first panic attacks or "irrational" (to the outside observer) responses are often just the tip of the iceberg.
And, there's a chance a lot more of these issues will start bubbling up. Your DIL's physical disabilities being similar enough to her mother's could uncover a number of triggers she may not have known about.
LinwoodKei
This is true. Mary's concerns are understandable. I am glad that OP and his wife had an honest conversation and that Micky was able to understand his mother. I feel so badly for Mary's mother.
Cotterisms
In all seriousness, that was the only logical conclusion to come to in the previous post. But I am glad everyone is now open and communicating.
Full-Arugula-2548
Your wife's story was so sad about her mom. Goes to show you never know what's really going on with someone. Your wife clearly has a lot of past trauma to work through and I'm glad there is open communication, because I assumed she was jealous too. Good luck going forward.
SorchitaFilly
NTA Unfortunately Mary is the unlucky unicorn in a sea of dysfunctional MILs on Reddit. But you were trying to protect your son and DIL from his mom’s irrational behavior. So your instincts werent off in being a good dad…so maybe you are as every bit a tiger dad, as she is a tiger mom. I hope your wife gets the help that she needs to cope better with her trauma.