When this woman who can't have children regrets choosing her SIL as the surrogate, she takes to the popular Reddit forum to ask:
When I was 19, I was diagnosed with cancer. Right before treatment, I froze some of my eggs on the advice of my oncologist. I eventually needed a full hysterectomy. I got better and returned to normal life and college.
That's where I met my husband. We both knew we wanted children down the road. Years later, we started exploring both surrogacy and adoption. My sister-in-law Bethany (married to my husband's brother), learned that we were exploring both options, and had all of the sudden volunteered to carry the baby for us.
She has 3 kids of her own and all of her pregnancies were smooth-sailing. She went out of her way to convince my husband and I that she'd be the best choice. My in-laws were thrilled. Eventually it seemed like I couldn't say no because everyone was so excited. I was taken aback by the generosity.
While Bethany was preparing for the implantation, and she was undergoing injections, which are typically well tolerated but, Bethany was complaining of multiple symptoms & seemed to need a lot of rest.
She wanted to persist and the whole family stepped in to help with her own kids, which included driving them to school and taking them in for sleepovers to help her rest. She became pregnant soon after.
Bethany quickly started experiencing nausea and severe morning sickness. Every pregnancy is different but it seemed odd. Again, the whole family rallied behind her and prepared meals for her, took care of my nieces and nephew, paid for a cleaning service, and went above and beyond to dote on her.
As soon as the morning sickness had subsided by month 4, she started having severe back pain. Again, a new pregnancy symptom for her. She started doing things that made me feel uncomfortable. She did a maternity photo shoot & included the rest of our extended family in the pictures.
She posted the photos on facebook, as well as multiple updates on her pregnancy. She posted ultrasound pictures online for 'her little nugget'. She posted a long facebook post on mother's day detailing her pregnancy and how surrogate moms should be celebrated on mother's day.
Now she is insisting on having a joint baby shower. I explained that as the new mom, I felt that I, for once, should be the center of attention and celebrated as the mom. She already had her baby showers for her own kids. It doesn't feel like it is acknowledged that it is MY child.
I told my husband and he thinks I am the asshole and that she's done this wonderful thing for us. It feels odd to me now that she has this control over the family and I am worried that she will continue to interject into my family well after the birth.
I am already sensitive about not being able to carry my child, and watching her take this over the top has hurt me. Am I the asshole for feeling hurt and wanting my own baby shower? AITA?
NTA - Honestly, I was with SIL until 'her little nugget'. That is fucked up. The pregnancy symptoms are completely understandable considering this baby is completely different from hers, but this isn't her baby.
I would absolutely put your foot down. No joint baby shower. No more 'her baby'. This is your child. Don't let her take that from you.
But what's up with your apparent disbelief of her pregnancy symptoms? She is pregnant. And yes, that can come with nasty symptoms, and yeah, they can change.
'She wants our mother-in-law to be in the room when the baby is born, and while I am grateful that she has allowed me to be in the delivery room as well, I feel that it is strange'
She's the one who's giving birth. She's the one who gets to decide who's with her in this extremely painful and vulnerable moment.
Honestly, this sort of thing is part of why I'm uncomfortable with surrogacy in general. Honestly, it's hard for me to imagine being the person carrying the baby in your body and not feeling like a mother.
NTA. Being a mother who couldn’t carry your child is so hard, and it’s 100% reasonable that you are going to want to have your own “mom stuff” this includes a baby shower, nesting and even a post birth baby photo shoot that completely excludes the surrogate.
You’re the mom, not her, and she’s (hopefully unknowingly) being a dick by taking this away from you and going so over the top about being pregnant.