'AITA For cancelling my stepdaughter's credit card and wanting to report her car stolen?'
"AITA For cancelling my stepdaughter's credit card and wanting to report her car as stolen?"
My wife (38F) and I (40M) have been married for 10-years. We have 2 kids together (8 & 5) and she has a 19-year-old daughter (Jen) from a previous relationship. Obviously, I have been in my stepdaughter's life for a long time and I view her and love her as my own daughter.
Her bio dad is still active in her life, but throughout high school she lived primarily with us because we live in a better school district. She graduated this past spring and was supposed to start college this fall.
I say "supposed to" because she never went. Her BF of 3 years broke up with her this summer because they were attending different colleges and he didn't think it would work out. He ended things 2 weeks before Jen was supposed to leave. Jen was heartbroken and pretty much didn't leave her room for a week.
Both my wife and I tried to talk with her and encourage her to see this as an opportunity for personal growth while at college. But all Jen did was dwell on the negative and sulk.
Then, Jen started saying that she didn't want to go to college because she was depressed. We had numerous talks with her about this and encouraged her to go and to view it as an opportunity and a springboard to a new life. However, none of our encouragement got through to her.
Without our knowledge, she contacted the school to cancel her enrollment and left to her dad's. Before she left, she sent my wife a text telling her that our lack of support during this time proved to her that we don't have her best interests in mind and that she will be blocking us and told us not to try and contact her.
Of course, this left my wife heartbroken because she didn't know what we did wrong. This all came as a shock. For me though, I was pissed. We had already taken out parent plus loans to help Jen financially and are on the hook for that money. I also got Jen a newer car and a credit card (both in my name) this summer for her to use at college. She is also still on our family cell phone plan.
After Jen had been gone a couple days, I decided to check the credit card statement, she was using it and had racked up almost $1,000. I immediately cancelled the card.
I then talked with my wife and told her that if Jen wants nothing to do with us, then I don't feel comfortable continuing to pay for things for her, like the car and cell phone. My wife agreed and we contacted Jen's bio dad to talk with him.
He said Jen only stayed with him a few nights before leaving one day and not coming back. She texted him that she's staying with friends and was safe. I told my wife I am considering reporting the car stolen because it's registered in my name and I'm the one making payments for it.
But my wife thinks that would be an AH move and she already thinks me cancelling the credit card was a bad idea. I told her that Jen is trying to have things both ways. She wants nothing to do with us, but also has no problem taking full advantage of the things we provided for her. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
naidhe writes:
NTA. Damn what a hard situation to be in, and what a dumb move on your stepdaughter's part... If she refuses to keep contact with you, you obviously can't enable her life by providing money. I mean, you don't even know where she is! Cancelling the card is the right step to take, for sure.
With regards to the car, I'd take an extra step before going nuclear. A crime like this could stick to her record for life, and make things much much harder in the future. So, no matter how dumb she's being, it's normal that your wife is hesitant.
I would contact her dad (since he seems to have contact with her) and tell him to let her know she has X days to get the car back to your place, since it's in your name and paid by your own money. And that if she doesn't do it, you'll be forced to contact the police.
Then the ball is in her field. If she continues to make terrible choices, you need to take drastic measures. Being out there with access to a car and unlimited money is not good for her mental health anyway, and she'll eventually run into trouble.
mildfailure writes:
ESH. She's not acting rationally. She told you she was depressed and you just kept pushing her to leave. From your perspective you were supporting her for the future, but she needed your support now. She is not okay and all you wanted to do was push her to solve a future problem.
dstarpro writes:
YTA. First of all, this old barely happened a week ago, you didn't even give Jenna chance to settle. Second of all, punishing a child for being depressed makes no sense to me. Why are you not trying to get her some help instead?
Third of all, how are you on the hook for loans that never went to any schools, just give the money back? And finally, yes reporting her car stolen would be a dick move. If you wanted to pay for it herself, then fine do a transfer of title.
Finally, you should not be trying to get in between your wife and her daughter. You should be encouraging her to support her daughter, to hear her out, and to heal their relationship.