Stepdad wants to tell stepkids how hurt he was by their behavior on TGIVING. AITA?
When this stepdad feels like his stepkids snubbed him, he asks Reddit:
"WIBTA if I told my stepchildren were not "thankful" for me during Thanksgiving event?"
Hey everyone, I met my current wife in 2021 where we started dating and got married in 2022. She has two children ages 14-16 (female & male) from different fathers. I love them as if they were my own children.
Our relationship I would say is great, we spend time together, we do things together, every time I do the groceries I get them their candies or if they need anything I will try to work with my spouse to make it happen for them (they both are very good kids and get good grades, help at home, etc..)
This thanksgiving their school send them a "project" about making a turkey and on their feathers write what they are thankful of. Our oldest son didn't really understand it so our daughter (and yes, I consider them my son and my daughter) showed us very briefly her turkey.
Which was weird because she only let us have like a glimpse, after a while I checked her project and it dawned on me why she was so "sneaky" the thinks she was thankful for:
Mom, School, Friends, House, My Dad, My Dad's family...Our son while he didn't mention his father he did mention his mom, school, games, friends, money.
As you can see neither of them wrote me on their turkey project, none of them are thankful for me. This hurts, My wife makes around 26k a year while I pull 80k a year, so I am the biggest reason they have new clothes, games, tv's, going out together to events, places, restaurants, etc...
their biological parents are out of the pictures and have been out for over 8-10 years. They redid their lives, new wife and new kids, on of them sends $400.00 a month for his son (child support), the other sends $1,200.00 for his daughter (child support)
I don't spend my time or money on them to expect something in return, I do it because that is who I am, but this show of "ungratefulness" hurts. Of course I thought it must have been an oversight, but my daughter knew what she was doing when she just allowed us a second "glimpse" at her turkey. Too bad for her I saw.
So I am thinking of opening a separate bank account where I will deposit my money, (obviously will talk to my wife about this, she already knows what I am writing here but hasn't gotten back to me about this) and spend my hard earned money on me, on things I want, I have been putting my needs in a backburner so my children can be happy and have what they need.
But no more. That means this Christmas there wont be all the gifts like last year, because I wont buy them any with my hard earned money. I will do what I want to do, for me, for my well being.
So would I be the AH here? and yes, this has happened a 1-2 weeks ago and it still hurts, it still bothers me. I am 34 and don't have biological children. I love my family very much but I cannot deal with ungratefulness, I can't. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
carisa504 writes:
So.. You absolutely have a right to your feelings and you are allowed to be hurt. But they are kids. And it sounds like their dads don't really have anything to do with them so that makes them feel like they have to brown nose their fathers because that rejection is rough.
FYI when my daughter was in grade school (and i understand your stepkids are both probably in high school now), she wrote a whole Thanksgiving essay on being thankful for food and our dog. That's it.
And i know all about being on the shit end of a stick because my kid knew she was safe with me and I love her no matter what but she constantly needed that affirmation from her dad. She never got it, btw and now as an adult she's no contact with him.
So i feel NAH at this moment unless you actually go through with not helping to support them. Maybe try sitting everyone down and asking them why you aren't included on a stupid turkey.
It may be because their friends think stepparents are "uncool" or something dumb. Peer pressure in school is a hell of a thing. It may be because your daughter pretty much copied some one else's ideas.
It could be because they just want their bio father to love them and they think by leaving you off that they'll get it. They won't. You know that, i know that, their mom knows that. But i'm sure they still have that hope.
setsumae writes:
YTA. You've been in these kids life for a very short amount of time. It's really unfair to make their financial situation/extra gifts dependent on how you feel, how you feel is completely out of their control.
If they give you a really nice Christmas gift, will you turn the money back on? Turn it off if they only write one fathers day card? Turn it on if they celebrate your birthday? Turn it off if you're on next year's thankful list but after video games?
Don't make these kids live their life hyper-aware of your emotional state. They're teenagers, they're gonna be jerks sometimes and you need to love them anyway.
werehamster writes:
YTA, you met them two years ago, give them time. The worst thing you can do is put a condition in your support and love. That's how you'll lose them forever. Creating a family takes time.
You're also not the only one contributing to the kids' needs. They get child support. While 400 certainly won't cover everything, 1200 is a significant amount.
Also, you say that their bio Dads are out of the picture and have been for a while, are you sure the kids weren't talking about you and just worried you'd reject them? If their Dads are NC they've been left by a father before, so they might just be scared.