Stepmom listens to husband's ex-wife's wishes; 'steps back' from 8 yo stepson. AITA?
When this stepmom feels annoyed with her husband and stepson, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for doing what my husband’s ex wants and stepping back from my stepson?"
My (29f) husband (34m) has an 8-year-old son (Luca) from a fling (Shanna). My husband and Shanna are not on good terms. She and my husband were never in a relationship but agreed to co-parent.
However, Shanna got into a relationship with another man, who did not want Luca in his home, and she decided to stop picking up Luca when he was about 1.5. I was introduced to Luca when he was 2 and we get along great.
Luca and I share a strong bond, with me taking on a sort of parental role for him, as he started calling me mommy/mom when I got pregnant.
Being financially comfortable, my husband and I tend to spoil him a lot, and his clinginess has reached a point where he checks on me in the middle of the night since I'm now pregnant; the love and indulgence extend from my in-laws to my own family.
He eagerly looks forward to Fridays at my parents' place for Grandma's cooking and treats/gifts from Grandpa.
About a year ago Shanna pretty aggressively came and tried to take custody of Luca. We were advised to give in to her demands, which turned out to be a mistake, and she has visitation every other Sunday.
Every time he has to go to Shanna, he screams and kicks. He just doesn’t want to go, and the one time we went with him, he told Shanne that he hated her.
Shanna always thought Luca clinging to me was kind of creepy, so she brought in her mystery “psychologist”’ who suggested my family and I step back, blaming us for babying him and having zero discipline at home, even though he's totally different with us.
My husband got suspicious about his conclusion, and we got our own therapist. We only had a few sessions, but she said our home situation seemed stable and loving.
I was contacted by my sister’s “friend”, who also knows Shanna. She basically said the same as the psychologist. She really went in on me and basically said it was all my fault. I just agreed with them.
I’m completely done with this situation, I just don’t have the energy for this anymore. I’m 38 weeks pregnant, the baby will be here any day. I’m just done. Usually, my husband and I do everything together for Luca.
Against my husband’s wishes, I decided to do what Shanna wanted and completely step back from Luca as a parental figure. Luca has not noticed anything and is completely fine.
However, My husband, in-laws, and family are of course not happy with me. My mom literally comes to my home every day to talk to me about it. I just want to focus on having the baby and not constantly be blamed for everything I do for Luca. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
hippopastrasuararex writes:
YTA. Your Lucas mom. At least to Luca. Regardless of whatever is going on outside of your house, you made a relationship with Luca, and suddenly decided to pull away for no reason (to Luca). How do you think that makes Luca feel? I can only imagine how hurt he is. Especially if he’s as attached to you as you say.
To further that, Luca is now going to see you doting on baby and feel like he’s been replaced, isn’t worthy, and/or both/more hurt. Jfc YTA. If you were going to give up on the kid so easily you should have NEVER let him bond with you.
As for bio mom, and her fiends that are saying stuff to you. Take your financially comfortable selves back to court, and get the custody agreement laid out in great detail. Then stick to it. If biomom is breaking it, or communicating with you (herself or through others) take it back to court. She abandoned her child and now you have too. Asshole.
satellitebeach5 writes:
YTA. Don't do this. That child sees you as his mother and you did too until Shanna reared her ugly head. Yes, she's his biological mother but that doesn't mean anything right now to an 8-year old that's had you as his mom for most of his life.
Please don't punish him for the actions of his bio mother and her flying monkey friends. Be the mom you've always been for him - he needs you.
snarkingusa writes:
I’m sorry but YTA. You are the only mother Luca knows and you don’t give up on your kids just because it gets hard. Block the “friend”, get a lawyer and a proper custody arrangement, go to family therapy or individual therapy if you need it.
I’m really sorry that you are having this stress in your life, especially while you are pregnant but it’s absolutely awful how easily you are willing to give up here. If you don’t get it together the situation is going to get worse when there are two children in the home and you clearly favor one over the other.